《告别消极的内心对话—做非凡的自我》（第二章）翻译项目报告

'－‘？．—？、？—－皆八体＠旅犬＃．Ｊ鐵＇Ｉ’哉Ｉ一■巧译专业学化硕女论文讀＊１．．《告？！满教１６々Ｗ耐話——》化雅足１６６我ｒ第二章＾翻々巧《報告谢玲丽＇，Ｉ＇＇．；带．馨、。＇．＇＂■－．．＇？－■．＂；－－－Ｌ．ｙ；．Ｉ＼巧导教师：唐巧巧巧巧■＊＂＂＊＂＇＂＇＂＊＊＇＊＊＊＂＊＊ｗ＊＊＊？＊＂？ｗ？＇＊＊ｅ？？＾ｅ＊＂＊Ｗ？ｅｗｉ＂＊ｅ？ｅ＊ｅ？ｉ＊＊ｅｅ？＊？＊、？ｍ■＂？■ｒ－专化名務Ｉ？巧巧±；‘馬：硏巧方阳！巧巧笔巧，．．．ＪｒＴ．．．１，巧时阁＊２０１６年４月嘉论文巧＂＂１，，．６：１‘ｆ论义巧巧时巧２０年５月论义编々：２０１６４１０＊？？．＇．片，．－ｆ１＇＇．；墓 SichuanInternationalStudiesUniversityATranslationProjectReportoftheHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinary(Chapter2)byXieLingliAthesissubmittedtotheGraduateSchoolinpartialfulfillmentoftherequirementsforthedegreeofMasterofTranslationandInterpretingunderthesupervisionofAssociateprofessorTangFangChongqing,P.R.ChinaMay2016 i 《告别消极的内心对话——做非凡的自我》（第二章）翻译项目报告摘要本文是一篇翻译项目报告。翻译项目的原文为艾米丽·费罗拉莫(EmilyFilloramo)编著的《告别消极的内心对话——做非凡的自我》(HowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinary)中的第二章“今天的你还困扰于过去的绝望之中(GhostofthePastHauntYouinthePresent)”。原章节的主要内容是通过案例来深度挖掘内心消极情绪的根源，并用实例展示艾米丽是如何帮助千万患者走出困境，实现自我价值。本报告的主要内容分四部分：第一、翻译项目介绍，包括项目的目标、意义、结构等。第二、原作背景介绍，包括作者简介、主要内容介绍、原作分析等。第三、理论依据、翻译难点与翻译方法：本报告以功能主义理论为基础，针对本章的翻译过程中频频出现的隐喻、对话、长难句等翻译难点，分别采用不同的翻译策略和方法：归化、口语化、分译和重组法。第四、总结翻译过程以及所得到的启发、教训。关键词：翻译项目报告；《告别消极的内心对话——做非凡的自我》；归化；口语化ii ATranslationProjectReportoftheHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinary(Chapter2)AbstractThisisatranslationprojectreportofHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinarybyEmilyFilloramo,ofwhichChapter2isentitledin“GhostofthePastHauntYouinthePresent”.Thesourcetextpenetratinglyrevealsthesourceofwhatisholdingyoubackfromthelifeyoutrulydeserveandhelpmanypeopleoutoftheirdifficulties.Itnotonlyfocusesonerasingnegativeself-talk,butgiveswaysforself-love,self-careandhelpstounderstandtheemotionalandspiritualbenefitofimplementingwhattheauthorsharesinherbook.Themaincontentsofthisreportaredividedintofourparts:PartOneisthetranslationprojectdescription,includingtheobjectives,significanceandthestructureoftheproject.PartTwoisthebackgroundofthesourcetext,includingtheauthorintroduction,maincontentsofthesourcetextandanalysisofthesourcetext.PartThreeisabouttheoreticalbasis,translationdifficultiesandsolutions.Thistranslationprojectbasedonfunctionaltheories.Duringthetranslationprocess,incopingwiththedifficultiesoftranslatingthemetaphor,thequoteddialoguesandthelongcomplicatedsentences,severalmethodswereadopted:domestication,useofcolloquialstyle,splittingandrecasting.PartFourconcludesthetranslationexperienceandlessonsgainedinthetranslationproject.Keywords:translationprojectreport;HowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinary;domestication;colloquialstyleiii AcknowledgementsInthistranslationproject,alotofpeoplehavehelpedme.Whoevertheyare,Ibearinmymindtheirgenerousassistance.Firstandforemost,I’dliketoexpressmyheartfeltgratitudetomysupervisor,AssociateProfessorTangFang,bothforherintellectualguidanceandforherwarmandconstantencouragementduringtheprocessofcompletingthisproject.Withpatienceandprudence,shelaboredthroughdraftsofthisreportandpointedoutdefectstherein.Therefore,Ioweallthemeritsinthisreporttoher,thoughIamfullyawarethattheremightstillbesomemistakes,forwhichIbearalltheresponsibility.Mycordialandsincerethanksgotomycolleaguesandfriends.Thankstotheirhelpinanalyzingandtranslatingthedifficultsentences,Ifinallycompletedthedraftofthisproject.Thenundertheircarefulandmicroscopicproofreadingofthemanuscript,manyinadequacieswerefullyeliminated.Lastbutnotleast,bigthanksgotomyfamilywhohavesharedwithmemyworries,frustrations,andhopefullymyultimatehappinessineventuallyfinishingthisreport.iv CONTENTS摘要.........................................................................................................................iiAbstract....................................................................................................................iiiAcknowledgments....................................................................................................ivChapterOneIntroduction..........................................................................................11.1DescriptionoftheProject.............................................................................11.2ObjectivesoftheProject..............................................................................11.3SignificanceoftheProject...........................................................................2ChapterTwoAnIntroductiontotheSourceText......................................................52.1AnIntroductiontotheAuthor......................................................................52.2MainContentoftheSourceText.................................................................52.3AnalysisoftheSourceText..........................................................................6ChapterThreeTheoreticalBasis,TranslationDifficultiesandSolutions.................83.1FunctionalTheory........................................................................................83.2TranslationDifficulties.................................................................................93.3TranslationStrategiesandMethods...........................................................113.3.1Domestication..................................................................................113.3.2UseofColloquialStyle....................................................................133.3.3Splitting............................................................................................153.3.4Recasting..........................................................................................173.4Summary....................................................................................................18ChapterFourConclusion........................................................................................204.1TranslationExperience...............................................................................204.2LessonsGained..........................................................................................21References...............................................................................................................23AppendixISourcetext............................................................................................25AppendixIITargetText..........................................................................................47v ChapterOneIntroduction1.1DescriptionoftheProjectAsthesourcetextofthistranslationproject,HowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinaryisabookwrittenbyEmilyFilloramo,atransformationalexecutivecoachatBeMoreExtraordinaryAcademy.ThisbookwaspublishedbyNewChapterPressonMay4,2015,andthereisnoChineseversionsofar.Ithelpspeoplewhobearsemotionalburdenswithtoomuchshopping,drinkingandeatingorarechallengedwithsadness,anxietyandhealthproblemstolearnhowtoidentifyandeliminatethecriticalvoicesandself-doubtthatkeepthemstuckfromgoals.Thebookconsistsofelevenchapters,ineachofwhichtheauthordiscussesonepartofnegativeself-talkandofferswaystogetoutofthoseunhealthyemotions.Intheselectedchapterforthisproject,manypeoplewerestrugglingwiththeirwoundedpastandthenegativeemotions,thusstackedfrommovingforward.Theauthorexpoundswhatisholdingpeoplebackfromthelifetheytrulydeserveandhelpthemoutoftheirdifficulties.Itiswonderfultoseeexamplesofhowpeople’slivesturnedarounddramaticallyaftertheywereabletodotheinnerworkwiththemselves.Ittookabouttwomonthstocompletetheprojectfrompreparation,translatingtoproofreading.Thesourcetextisinformative,thusthetranslationprovidedinthisprojectwouldbeasfluentandreadableaspossible.1.2ObjectivesoftheProjectLivinginthissocietywithever-increasingpressureofworkandlives,most1 ofususuallyfeelhelpless.HowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelfTalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinarywrittenbyEmilyFilloramo,thesourcetextofthistranslationproject,introducesthecommonproblemsnearlyeveryoneisfacedwithandgivesadviceonhowtoeliminatethiskindofnegativeemotion.However,thesourcetextisonlywritteninEnglish,andtherearemanyspokenlanguages,metaphorsandlongcomplicatedsentencesinthisbook,sofewChinesecanfullyunderstanditsessence.IntranslatingthisbookintoChinese,thefollowingobjectivesshouldbeputintothefirstplace.First,throughthetranslator’sintegrationofallaccessibleresourcesandeffortoftranslatingitintoChinese,thequality,thereadability,theintegrityandtheprecisenessofthetargettextmustbeensured.Thoughitwouldbequitedifficult,theloyaltytothesourcetextandtheauthorshouldbethetranslator’sprimaryconcern.Second,intranslatinganoperativesourcetext,thetranslatorshouldnotonlypayattentiontohisorherlanguageskills,butalsotheknowledgeandunderstandingofrelevantfieldsaswellasthiskindofmaterial.Thetranslator’scapabilitytosearchforrelevantinformationandtheabilityofundertakingabiggertaskwouldbeintensified.Third,indoingatranslationproject,theoriesandpracticeshallneverbeseparated.Thetranslatorshouldapplytherelevanttheoriesheorshehaslearntintopractice,furtherconsolidatingthetranslator’stranslationability.1.3SignificanceoftheProjectInanincreasinglycompetitivesociety,theever-increasingburdenoflifenearlyputmanyofusintodesperation.Thoughtherehavebeenmany2 traditionalself-helpbookshelpingpeopletogetthroughtheirdifficulties,focusingonhowtobeabetterself,thisbookismuchmoreeffective.HowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelfTalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinaryoffersasapsychotherapy,eliminatingtheself-imposedobstaclesthatholdyoubackfromfearlessself-expression.Furthermore,Emilydivesindeeptorevealthesourceofwhatisholdingyoubackfromthelifeyoutrulydeserveandhelpmanypeopleoutoftheirdifficulties.Itnotonlyfocusesonerasingnegativeself-talk,butgiveswaysforself-love,self-careandhelpstounderstandtheemotionalandspiritualbenefitofimplementingwhattheauthorsharesinherbook.Itiswonderfultoseeexamplesofhowpeople"sliveswereturnedarounddramaticallyaftertheywereabletodotheinnerworkwiththemselves.Chapterbychapterasyoureadthisbookyouwillfindthecouragetotaketheneededactiontoaddressthoseissuesinyourlifethathavebeenpreventingyoufromaccomplishingyourgreatness.Itismorethanaself-helpbookreaderscanhaveasaresourceguide.Thisisamustreadforanyonelookingtoreinventortransformtheirlifeorsituation.However,thereisnosuchaneffectivebookinChina,thustheChineseversionofthebookwillbeanassettomanypeoplewhoendeavoredtohelppeopleoutofpsychologicalproblems,aswellasthosepeopletroubledwithnegativeemotions.1.3StructureoftheReportThemaincontentsofthisreportaredividedintofourparts.Partoneisthegeneralintroductiontothistranslationproject,includingtheobjectives,significanceandstructureofthereport.Parttwoisthebackgroundofthesourcetext,includingtheauthorintroduction,maincontentsofthesourcetextandanalysisofthesourcetext.3 PartThreeisabouttheoreticalbasis,translationdifficultiesandsolutions.Thistranslationprojectbasedonfunctionaltheories.Duringthetranslationprocess,incopingwiththedifficultiesoftranslatingthemetaphor,thequoteddialoguesandthelongcomplicatedsentences,severalmethodswereadopted:domestication,useofcolloquialstyle,splittingandrecasting.Partfourconcludestranslationexperienceandlessonsgainedintheproject.4 ChapterTwoAnIntroductiontotheSourceText2.1AnIntroductiontotheAuthorEmilyFilloramo,authorofHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinary,isthefounderandchiefmagicianofBeMoreExtraordinaryAcademy.ShewastrainedinInternalFamilySystem"s(IFS)modalityofpsycho-spiritualhealingandself-leadership.EmilyFilloramograduatedfromCornellUniversityandwasacertifiedholistichealthcoach.OncesheworkedasaseniorsalesrepresentativeinPfizer,Inc.andthenasthePsychiatry/NeurologySeniorPharmaceuticalRepresentativeinPfizer,Inc.Sheisgoodatnutritionalcounseling,publicspeaking,wellnesscoaching,lifestylecoachingandsoon.2.2MainContentoftheSourceTextPublishedonMay4,2015byNewChapterPress,HowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelfTalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinaryisakindofbooksimilartoChickenSoupfortheSoulforallthepeoplelivinginthemodernworld.Thisbookmainlytalksaboutthewaytoerasenegativeself-talk,adoptedMatt’scasetoillustratethefeasibilityandreliabilityofthesuggestions.Thisbookcontainselevenchapters,eachchapterfocusingononeaspectofpeople’snegativeemotion,suchasshame,thefeelingofbeingunloved,pressurefromoutsideandsoon.MattisaclientofEmily.Incuringhisnegativesentiment,Emilyintroducesheruniquewayinthisbook,calledInternalFamilySystem’s(IFS)protocolforhealingandself-leadership.Inthisbook,thetranslatorhaschosechaptertwoGhostofthePastHaunt5 YouinthePresentasthetranslationtask.Thischaptermainlytalksaboutthenegativeemotionsandtherelatedhealthandinterpersonalproblemsresultingfromthewoundedpast.TheauthortookthecaseofMattasanexampletoshowushowthewoundedpasthuntedbothourphysicalandpsychologicalhealth.Shegaveusanin-depthanalysisandshowedushowshehelpedherclientsovercomethesesorrowsandmoveforward.2.3AnalysisoftheSourceTextHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelfTalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinaryisaself-helpbooktohelpreadersunderstandthemainmethodsoferasingnegativeselftalksoastorestoreconfidenceandrenewthemselves.AccordingtoKatharinaReiss’sdivisionoffourtexttypes─informative,expressive,operativeandaudiomediatexts,thisbookbelongstotheoperativetext.“Theaimoftheoperativetextistoappealtoorpersuadethereaderor“receiver”ofthetexttoactinacertainway”(Jeremy,2010,p.72).ThebookHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelfTalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinaryservesasachickensoup,aimingatpersuadingpeopleindifficultiestofollowitssuggestions.Sinceitshouldbefullyunderstoodbyallthetargetreaders,thetranslatedversionofthisbookshouldbereadableandintelligible.“Inoperativetext,theformoflanguageisdialogic,andthefocusisappellative.”(Jeremy,2010,p.74).Inthisbook,avarietyofdialoguesarequoted:thedialoguesbetweentheauthorandherclientMatt,betweenMattandhisfamilymembersandsoon.Allthesequotedlanguagesareemployedtounfoldtheauthenticityoftheauthor’ssuggestionanditssatisfactoryresults.Intranslatingthisbook,thetranslatorshouldreproducethecolloquialstyleofthesourcetext,thusitneedsthetranslatortouseChinesespokenlanguageorevendialects.Meanwhile,6 manymetaphorswithuniqueculturalconnotationarealsousuallyusedinthiskindoftext,whichmakesitmoredifficulttounderstand.Inthiscase,backgroundinformationisindispensableforthetranslator.Inaddition,despitetheplainandsimplelanguagefeatures,therearestillquitemanylongcomplicatedsentences.Tovividlytranslatethisoperativetextintoaneasy-to-understandtext,thetranslatorhastomakemoreeffortsinpolishingandrefiningthetranslatedversion.7 ChapterThreeTheoreticalBasis,TranslationDifficultiesandSolutions3.1FunctionalTheoryFunctionaltheoriesareadoptedinthistranslationprojecttoattaintheobjectives.AdvancedinGermanyinthe1970sand1980s,Functionalistandcommunicativetranslationtheoriesmovedtranslationfromastaticlinguisticphenomenontobeingconsideredanactofinterculturalcommunication.KatharinaReissisoneoftherepresentativefiguresofFunctionalism.Sheviews“thetext,ratherthanthewordorsentence,asthelevelatwhichcommunicationisachievedandatwhichequivalencemustbesought”(Jeremy,2010,p.74).AccordingtoReiss,eachtexttypecanbedividedintofourtypes,namelyinformative,expressive,operativeandaudiomediatexts.Asforinformativetexttype,thelanguagedimensionusedtotransmittheinformationislogicalorreferential,thecontentor“topic”isthemainfocusofthecommunication.Intheexpressivetext,theauthorusestheaestheticdimensionoflanguage.Theauthoror“sender”isfore-grounded,aswellastheformofthemessage.Theaimoftheoperativetextistoappealtoorpersuadethereaderor“receiver”ofthetexttoactinacertainway.Theformoflanguageisdialogic,thefocusisappellative.Audiomediatexts,suchasfilmsandvisualandspokenadvertisementswhichsupplementtheotherthreefunctionswithvisualimages,music,etc.(Jeremy,2010,p.72)8 ThepurposeoftranslatingHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelfTalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinaryistohelpreaderstounderstandthemainmethodsoferasingnegativeselftalksoastomoveforwardandbeabetterself.Inthisaspect,thebookisanoperativetext.Toachievethepurposeofthistranslationproject,correspondingtranslationstrategiesandmethodsshouldbeadopted.AccordingtoReiss,“theTTofanoperativetextshouldproducethedesiredresponseintheTTreceiver.Thetranslationshouldemploythe‘adaptive’method,creatinganequivalenteffectamongTTreaders”(Jeremy,2010,p.74).Asaresult,inthistranslationproject,duetothegreatnumberofmetaphors,domesticationisappliedheretomakethetargetreadersgetthesamefeelingasthatofthesourcetextreaders.Theuseofquotedlanguagesisverypopularinthisbook.Sinceitmainlytalksabouttheauthor’sexperienceofgettingpeopleoutofdarkness,alargenumberofdialoguesarerecountedtoexpoundtheprocessofhersuccessfulhelp.Thusintranslatingthisbook,thetargettextshouldmaintainthecolloquialstyleofthesourcetext,whilebeingadaptedtotheChineselanguagestyle.Moreover,tomakeitmucheasierfortargetreaderstounderstandandputtheusefulsuggestionsintopractice,splittingandrecastingarealsomaneuveredtodealwithlongcomplicatedsentences.3.2TranslationDifficultiesTobesure,itisreallyhardforatranslatortogenerateaperfecttargettext.Asisstatedabove,thesourcetextisakindofchickensoup.Intranslatingthisbook,thetranslatorhasencounteredmanyproblems.Firstofall,therearemanymetaphorsusedinthisbook.Tomakethisbook9 muchmorevivid,theauthorhasadoptedsomerhetoricaldevices,ofwhichmetaphorisapredominatefigureofspeech,suchas“bubble”,“closeddoors”,“ghosts”and“thebus”.Languageisthecarrierofculture.Metaphorsshowclearlytheuniqueculturalconnotationofacertainlanguage.Sointranslatingthisbook,domesticationisusedtohelptargetreaderstobetterunderstandtheideaofthesourcetext.Secondly,therearemanyquoteddialogues.Inthisbook,theauthorquotesmanydialogues,suchas“Matt,stopit.Stopbeingsuchapaininthebuttandmakingallthatnoiseandallthatmess!Whycan’tyoubepeacefulandquietlikeyoursister?”,and“Nowgotoyourroomforatimeout.Idon’twanttohaveyouspankyousomemore.I’mnotgettingyouthattoybecauseyouarebeingsobad”.QuoteddialoguesarecommonlyusedinEnglishworks.However,itisdifficultforthetranslatortotransfertheoriginalmeaningandconnotationofthesourcetexttotargetlanguageunlesscontextofthesedialoguesisaccuratelyinterpreted.Finally,therearemanylongcomplexsentences.Longcomplexsentencesrefertothesentenceswithtoomanywordsandembeddedgrammaticalstructure,which,ifnotproperlyrendered,willmakereadersdifficulttograspthemainideaofthesourcetext.Forexample,“Momentarythrillscannolongerstaveoffthosedeep-seatedfeelingsofinadequacythatkeepyoufromsuccess”;“Angerisawayforchildhoodpartsanddepressiontoexpressitself,especiallyinmen,sincemeninoursocietyarenotsupposedtofeelmanyemotions,althoughangerandnumbnessaredeemedacceptableformentoexpress”andsoon.ThebiggestdifficultyintranslatinglongcomplicatedsentencesistomakethetranslatedversionconformtoChineseexpression.Therefore,afterfiguringoutthemainstructureandthemainideaofthesesentences,thetranslatorattemptstousebothsplittingandrecastingtoresolveproblemswhichmightariseinunderstanding.10 3.3TranslationStrategiesandMethodsSentencestructureandculturalbackgroundsaredifferentbetweenEnglishandChinese,itisinevitabletocopewithmanydifficultiesindoingEnglish-Chinesetranslation.Thepurposeoftranslatingthisbookistohelpthosepeoplewithnegativeemotionstodispeltheirwoundedpartsandtoliveapositiveandhappylife.Thusthetranslatedversionshouldadapttothetargetreaders’understandingandexpressivecustomsofChineselanguage.TheprerequisitesforthecorrecthandlingofthesedifficultiesinEnglish-Chinesetranslationlieinthetranslator’spropercomprehensionoftheoriginaltextandtheculturalbackground,andinthecapabilityofadequaterepresentationoftheauthor"sthoughtsintargetlanguage.3.3.1DomesticationMetaphorsarequiteuniversallyusedinbothEnglishandChinese.Ametaphorisafigureofspeechinwhichanimpliedcomparisonismadebetweentwodifferentthingsthatactuallyhavesomethingimportantincommon.Thewordmetaphoritselfisametaphor,comingfromaGreekwordmeaningto"transfer"or"carryacross."Metaphors"carry"meaningfromoneword,image,orideatoanother.OwingtothedifferenceofculturalbackgroundsbetweenEnglishandChinese,thetranslatorshouldfirstlycomprehendtheimplicitmeaningofthesemetaphors.Intransferringthesemessages,thetranslatorshouldtakethetargetcultureintoconsideration.Domesticationreferstothetarget-culture-orientedtranslation.Itmeansto11 transformtheuniqueexpressionsinthesourcetextintosomefamiliaronessoastomakethetranslatedtextintelligibleandeasyforthetargetreaders.Itismainlyintendedtomainlyadjustthesourcelanguageculturetothetargetlanguagecultureinthecourseoftranslation,asisstatedthat“Thetranslatorleavesthereaderinpeace,asmuchaspossible,andmovestheauthortowardshim”.(ZhouFangzhu&LuZhihong,2008,p.15).Domesticationisastrategyprevailingintranslationpractice,forexample,"itfindsitsstrongestandmostinfluentialadvocatesintheFrenchandEnglishtranslationtraditions,particularlyinAnglo-Americanculture,sometimesforculturalconsideration,sometimesforeconomicconsiderationorsometimesforreligion”(ZhouFangzhu&LuZhihong,2008,p.15).Example1ST:Sotheseghostsofthepastshowupinthepresent.TT:所以过去的这些幽灵般的困扰便时时出现在脑海。Inthisexample,“ghost”means“apparitionorspiritofthedeadperson”.Butinthisbook,itmainlytalksaboutthefactthatsufferersstruggleagainsttheirunhappypast,butnodeadpersonisinvolvedhere.Meanwhile,inChinese,“ghost”issomethingominousorhorrific,thustheword“ghost”istranslatedinto“幽灵般的困扰”toemphasizethesufferers"endeavorinfightagainsttheirhurtpast.Example2ST:TheywillnowbehavenicelyaspassengersoftheRealYoutodrivethebus,nolongerstuckandhijackedbytheoldwoundedparts(whoapplythebrakesthatkeepyoustuckandnotmovingforwardonthebus).TT:如今他们会扮演搭乘你真实生活列车的乘客，不会再受过去的伤痛12 所羁绊。（他们会像踩刹车那样及时阻拦那些让你的人生列车停滞不前的事情）Theword“brake”isarestraintusedtosloworstopavehicle(刹车).InChinese,peopleoftencomparehumanlifetoamovingbus,whileonourlifepaththerewouldbemanydifficultiesorunhappypastthatwouldstopusfrommovingforward.Inthisbook,“bake”referstothewoundedpartsthatstopyou.“Bus”isnottherealbus,buthumanlife.Thusintranslatingthissentence,thetwowords“brake”and“bus”aretranslatedinto“刹车”and“人生列车”tomaketargetreadersclarifytheimpliedmessage.3.3.2UseofColloquialStyleInalotofworks,particularlytheworksofmodernliteratureandnovel,quoteddialoguesemergefrequentlyforthesakeofreenactingthescene.Thetranslationofdialoguesisarelativelyprominentissueinnumeroustranslationpractices,sohowtoexpressthemrelevantly,vividlyandaccuratelytothetargetreadersisoneaspectthattranslatorshavetocontemplateseriously.Inthisbook,quotedconversationsvividlyreflectthedisharmonybetweentheclientMattandhisfamilymembers.Example3ST:“Matt,stopit.Stopbeingsuchapaininthebuttandmakingallthatnoiseandallthatmess!Whycan’tyoubepeacefulandquietlikeyoursister?”TT:“马特，住手。不要到那儿讨厌，又吵又闹，把家里弄得乱七八糟！你怎么就不能像你妹妹那样安静一会儿呢？”Thissentenceishisparent’scriticismofhim.Mattwasanaughtyboyinhis13 childhoodandhewasunabletostopmoving,andthushegaverisetocountlesstroubles.HisparentwasalwaysdisturbedbyMattandscoldedhim.Here“paininthebutt”isaslang,whichreferstothepeoplewhocannotstopmakingtroublesandannoyingothers.ItindicatesthatMattismisbehaved.InChina,naughtyboysaretrouble-makers.Thusitistranslatedas“惹麻烦”tocomplywithChinesespeakinghabits.Theword“mess”inEnglishreferstoadirtyoruntidystate,hereitistranslatedinto“乱七八糟”soastoappropriatelyreflecthisparent’sboredomtowardsMatt.Example4ST:“Nowgotoyourroomforatimeout.Idon’twanttohaveyouspankyousomemore.I’mnotgettingyouthattoybecauseyouarebeingsobad.”TT:“回房间去消停消停，要不然我打你屁股。你真是太烦人了，别玩那个玩具。”ThisisthereprimandofMatt’sparentsanditscolloquialfeatureisquiteobviousinthissentence.“Nowgotoyourroomforatimeout”indicatesthatMatt’sparentsweresickofhisbehaviorandaskedhimtogobacktohisroom.Hereitisrenderedinto“回房间去消停消停”.Theword“timeout”originallymeansanoccasionwhenaprocessorprogramisautomaticallystoppedafteracertainamountoftimebecauseithasnotworkedsuccessfully(超时；自动暂停)inththeOxfordAdvancedLearner’sEnglish-ChineseDictionary(7edition).Butinthisbook,thetranslatoradjuststheexpressiontoChineselanguagestyle,inwhich“消停消停”justindicateshisparent’sblameonthechildbecauseofhismisbehavior.14 Example5ST:·“You’reaworthlessbitch.”·“You’resostupid.”·“You’refat.”·“Youcan’tdoanythingright!”·“Imakethemoneyinthehouse,you’renevergonnaamounttoanything.”·“Yourjobistotakecareofthekids,notgoafteryourdreams.”TT:·“你个婊子。”·“你太蠢了。”·“你真肥得像头猪。”·“你怎么什么事都做不好。”·“这个家里是我在挣钱，你啥也别想拿走。”·“你的任务是照顾孩子，别做梦了想了。”Thewords“bitch”,“stupid”and“fat”arecommonlyusedinourdailylife,andcontainatouchofironytosomeextent.Thusinthecourseoftranslatingthesesentences,thetargetreaders’responsetotheseimpoliteremarksshouldbetakenintoconsideration.Toreproducethestyleofthesourcetext,theword“bitch”istranslatedinto“婊子”,“stupid”istranslatedas“蠢”and“fat”istranslatedas“肥得像头猪”.ItnotonlyrepresentsthecolloquialstyleofChinese,butalsoepitomizesMatt’sfather’sevildeedstowardshiswife.3.3.3SplittingDuetothedifferencesofsentencestructurebetweenEnglishandChinese,15 itisinevitabletodealwiththelongsentencesinthesourcetext,whichisperhapsthemostdifficultofallintheprocessofEnglish-Chinesetranslation.Thetranslator’spropercomprehensionoftheoriginalandproperexpressioninthelanguagetobetranslatedintoistheprerequisitesinordertoachievethecorrecthandlingoflongcomplexsentences.Therefore,thefirstandforemoststepistogetthecorrectunderstandingofthesourcetext.Thetranslatorshouldtryhisbesttoachievethedialecticalunityoffaithfulnessandsmoothness,whichmeansthatthetranslatorshouldanalyzethelongcomplexsentencescarefullyinthelightofcontextinordertomakeaclearunderstandingofthem.Thetranslatorshouldidentify:“first,whattheauthorisdrivingat;second,whathisargumentsorviewsare,andwhat‘longsequence’thereisintheoriginal;last,whatgrammaticalrelationsthereareamongthe‘modifiers’inthelongsentencetobetranslated.”(Xu,Jianping,2013,p.243)Sometimes,EnglishmodifiersaretoolongtobeplacedbeforethewordbeingmodifiedintheChineseversion.Inthiscase,splittingisusedtoensureasmoothtargettext.ItreferstodividethelongEnglishsentenceintoseveralpartsandrearrangethepartsinaccordancewithsensegroups,andthentranslatethemseparatelyintoChinese.Example6ST:Momentarythrillscannolongerstaveoffthosedeep-seatedfeelingsofinadequacythatkeepyoufromsuccess.TT:短暂的喜悦无法赶走那些根深蒂固的自卑感，缺乏自信会阻碍你通往成功。Example716 ST:Asaconsequence,Matt’sinjuredyoungerpartsarenowruininghislife:Thepartthatdidn’tfeellovedasakid,especiallythepartthatfeelhumiliatedfrombeingcalled“bucko”becauseofhisbuckteeth,thepartthatfeltshamefromstandingintimeoutinthehallwayastheotherkidsteasedhimontheirwaytorecess.TT:结果是，马特童年时的遭遇正在毁掉他的生活：孩童时代没有得到关爱，特别是因为他的龅牙而被人叫做“龅牙男”时，他感到遭受了侮辱；课间休息期间他在走廊罚站，其他小孩就会取笑他，他也会感到羞耻。Thesentencesofthesourcetextaresolongthatitisquitedifficultfortargetreaderstodigesttheinformation.Therefore,thesetwosentencesaresplittomakethemclearerinmeaningandcorrespondwiththeChineseexpressionhabits.3.3.4RecastingRecastingreferstoadjustingthesequenceofagivensentencesoastomakeitconformtoChineseusage.Itneedsthetranslatortohaveageneralunderstandingofthesourcetext,andthenrearrangeitinordertomakeiteasierforthetargetreaderstoreadandunderstand.Bythismeans,asentenceelementofthewholetextmaytakeanend-position,andontheotherhand,anend-positionelementmaybeplacedatitsbeginning.Theexamplesbelowcanbeverydemonstrative.Example817 ST:Angerisawayforchildhoodpartsanddepressiontoexpressitself,especiallyinmen,sincemeninoursocietyarenotsupposedtofeelmanyemotions,althoughangerandnumbnessaredeemedacceptableformentoexpress.TT:暴怒是童年遭遇以及抑郁的一种发泄方式，尤其对于男性而言，尽管社会认可男性选择愤怒和麻木来表达内心感受，但就整个社会来说，男性不应当有太丰富的情感。Example9ST:Mattisfeelingtheconsequencesofhispastashetriestodothehardworkofattachingclients,whichhecan’tseemtodobecauseheisafraid.TT:马特在努力工作吸引客户，这对他来说似乎是不可能做到的，因为他害怕去做这件事，同时，他也在经受着过往经历带给自己的折磨。InExample8,theclause“although...”isputbefore“since...”,andinExample9,“Mattisfeelingtheconsequencesofhispastashetriestodothehardworkofattachingclients,whichhecan’tseemtodobecauseheisafraid”iscutintothreesentences,and“hetriestodothehardworkofattachingclients”isputatthefront,then“whichhecan’tseemtodobecauseheisafraid”andthemainclause“Mattisfeelingtheconsequencesofhispast”isputattheend.ThissentenceorderismorelogicandacceptabletotheChinesereaders.3.4SummaryInaccomplishingthistranslationproject,alotoftranslationstrategiesand18 methodswereused.Amongthemthemostfrequentlyusedandimportantonesaredomestication,useofcolloquialstyle,splittingandrecasting.Withthehelpofdomestication,thetranslatorcanfullyunderstandtheuniqueexpressionsofthesourcetextandthustranslatethemaccordingtotheChineseones.Theuseofcolloquialstylecouldhelptomaintainthespecifictoneofthedialoguesinthesourcetext.Meanwhile,splittingandrecastinghelpedthetranslatorinanalyzingthesentencestructureandrearrangethesentencesothatitcanconformtotheChinesewaysofexpressingthesamething.19 ChapterFourConclusion4.1TranslationExperienceIndoingthistranslationproject,thetranslatorhassummarizedvaluableexperienceandlessonsasfollows.Firstly,agreatamountofpreparationshouldbemadebeforetranslation,suchasconsultingbackgroundinformationoftheauthorandtheoriginaltext;analyzingthelayoutandlinguisticfeaturesoftheoriginaltext;readinglargeamountsofparalleltextsforreferenceandetc.Secondly,duringthetranslationprocess,thetranslatorshouldtakethefunctionortheobjectiveofthetargettextintoconsiderationandchoosetheappropriateguidingtheories.Meanwhile,sincethetranslatorisnotveryfamiliarwiththesourcetextcultureandlanguagefeatures,Internetandreferencebooksshouldbetakenfulladvantageoftoovercometheobstaclesandthushelptocompletethistranslationproject.Atlast,whenfinishingthetranslationtask,itisofgreatimportancetoreviewandrevisethetranslatedworkagainandagaintomakeitconformtothetargetlanguagefeaturesandeasierforreaderstoread.Therefore,constructivesuggestionsthatcomefromthetranslator’sclassmatesorteacherscanbebeneficialtoenhancethequalityofthetranslationwork.Thoughthetranslatorhasundergonecautiousanalysisoftheoriginaltextandcarefulproofreading,somepartsofthetranslatedtextstillneedfurtherimprovement.20 4.2LessonsGainedThetranslationprojectofHowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinaryhasenrichedthetranslator’sexperienceandimprovedthecapabilityintranslatingoperativetext.Thetranslationinspirationsarelistedhere.Firstly,thereisurgencyforthetranslatortoimprovetheEnglishproficiency.AsFuLei,arenownedexpertintranslationinChina,oncesaid,“Whenitcomestotranslation,Ithinkthemostdifficultonetodealwithistheshortestsentencewithsimplestmeaning”,itreallyappliestous.Thesourcetextisanoperativetextthatneedstobeunderstoodbymostofthepeople,thusthelanguageismostlysimple.However,mostoftheshortsentenceswithcommonly-usedwordsposedifficultiesforthetranslatortotranslatethemvividly.Afterfinishingthistranslationproject,thetranslatorhasrealizedthenecessityofimprovingthelanguageability.Secondly,itisimportantforthetranslatortoenrichthebackgroundinformationofbothEnglishandChinese.Indoingthistranslation,thetranslatorhasbeenconfusedbythemetaphorsthatcontaintheculturalconnotationduetothelackofbackgroundknowledge.Thusmuchtimewasspentinconsultingrelevantinformationontheinternetorinthereferencebooks.Inordertomakethetranslatedtextmoreaccurateandimpressive,thetranslatorshouldreadmorebooksandenrichscopeofknowledge.Thirdly,abasicknowledgeoftranslationtheoriesandskillsisveryimportantforhandlingtheproject.Throughoutthetranslationprocess,thetranslatorhas21 realizedthatlackoftranslationtheorieswouldresultinanunclearthoughtandconfusionabouttranslationpurposesanddesiredresults.AsaMTIstudent,mostofusarerequiredtoengageinagreatamountoftranslatingpractices,thuswehaveneglectedtheinterpretationoftranslationtheories.Duringthetranslationprocess,thetranslatorisoftenbewilderedbythetranslationpurposeaswellasthestrategiestobeadopted.Thenwiththehelpofin-depthanalysisoftexttypeandtherelatedtranslationtheories,thetranslatorgraduallyhaveaclearideaabouthowtosuccessfullytransferthemessagesofthesourcetext.22 ReferencesBassnett,Susan.(2010).TranslationStudies(thirdedition).Shanghai:ShanghaiForeignLanguageEducationPress.Filloramo,Emily.(2015).HowtoPermanentlyEraseNegativeSelf-TalkSoYouCanBeExtraordinary.U.S.:NewChapterPress.Jenny,William&Chesterman,Andrew.(2004).TheMap:ABeginner’sGuidetoDoingResearchinTranslationStudies.Shanghai:ShanghaiForeignLanguagesEducationPress.MarkShuttleworth&MoiraCowie.(2004).DictionaryofTranslationStudies.Shanghai:ShanghaiForeignLanguageEducationPress.Munday,Jeremy.(2010).IntroductionTranslationStudies:TheoriesandApplications.Shanghai:ShanghaiForeignLanguageEducationPress.Newmark,Peter.(2004).ApproachestoTranslation.Shanghai:ShanghaiForeignLanguageEducationPress.Newmark,Peter.(2001).ATextbookofTranslation.Shanghai:ShanghaiForeignLanguageEducationPress.Nida,A.E.(2001).LanguageandCulture:ContextinTranslating.Shanghai:ShanghaiForeignLanguageEducationPress.ZhouFangzhu&LuZhihong.(2008).PrinciplesofTranslationbetweenEnglishandChinese.Anhui:AnhuiUniversityPress.23 曹明伦.(2013).英汉翻译二十讲.北京:商务印书馆.陈德鸿,张南峰.（2000).西方翻译理论精选.香港:香港城市大学出版社.何刚强.(2012).笔译理论与技巧.北京:外语教学与研究出版社.李长栓.(2012).非文学翻译理论与实践.北京:中国对外翻译出版公司.连淑能.(2010).英汉对比研究(增订本).北京:高等教育出版社.许建平.(2013).英汉互译实践与技巧(第四版).北京：清华大学出版社.24 AppendixISourcetextGhostofthePastHauntYouinthePresentAsImentionedintheintroductiontherearesomanyofuswhoaretryingsohardtopushourselvestothenextlevel,constantlysearchingforthenextthingthatisgoingtomakeusfeelbetteraboutourselves.Manyofusreachapointwherewe“hitawall”andcan’tgoanyfurtherbecausewe’reoutofenergyandthenourmotivationhaswaned.WemayevenbepushingsothatwecanliveuptoMadisonAvenue’simagesofthegoodlife.It’shumannaturetowanttodothis,andcontinuetoactlikewe’restillinhighschool,comparingourselvestoothers—exceptthatthestakeshavegoneup—insteadofthetrendiestclothes,nowit’sthebighousesandtheluxurycarswepurchasetoimpressotherpeople,toshowthemthatwe’rearrivedandthatwe’regoodenough.Afterall,feelingwe’regoodenoughisthemajorhiddenmotivatorformanypeople.You’llseehowthisplaysoutinthestoriesI’mgoingtosharewithyou.Someofusjustseemso“perfect”fromtheoutsidebutdeepdownwefeellikeafrauds,justwaitingforthedaythebubbleburstsandsomeonefindsouttherealtruthaboutwhatourlivesarelikebehindcloseddoors.Youarenotalone,manyofusdofeelstuck,lonelyanddisconnected,playingitsafe,unabletomakedecisionsandspinningaroundincircles.Itfeelslikenothinggoodhappenstouswhileeveryoneelseseemstobehavingabettertime.Ifyou’vebeendrivenbythethoughtthathappinessisalwaysonemoregoalaway,that“OnceImakemoremoney/buymydreamhome/findapartner/losethelast10pounds...Iwillfeelbetter,”(onlytobedisappointedwheneach“thrillof25 victory”leadsto“theagonyofdefeat”)thenit’stimetotakestockofyourlife.Momentarythrillscannolongerstaveoffthosedeep-seatedfeelingsofinadequacythatkeepyoufromsuccess.Formany,thedemonsoftheirpastaredrivingthemandthey’renotevenawareofit.Youmayfindthatcertainpeoplepushyourbuttonsorpartofyoulashesoutspontaneouslyandyouwonder,“wheredidthatcomefrom?”Oryoubeginanewloveorbusinessrelationshipwithjoyandhighhopes,onlytofindyourselfrepeatingoldpatternsbecausethe“oldyou”andthe“oldenergy”tookoverandattractedthewrongtypeofromanticpartnerandbusinessopportunityagain.Ifanyofthesesoundfamiliar,you’llgetsomeinsightsfromthestoryofMatt,aclientwhowentallthewaydowntherabbitholebecausehiswoundedpartswerescreamingtobeheard.(Matt’s,andotherclients’definingdetailshavebeenchangedtoprotecttheiridentities.)***Mattisagood-looking,47yearoldwithsaltandpepperhairthatremindsyouofGeorgeClooney,onlyhe’scarryingaroundanextra20pondsofbeerbelly.Helooksoutwardlysuccessful,butdeepdown,he’smiserable.Lifeisjusttoostressful.Matthasabeautiful,kindwife,andtwosons,ages8and10,andhelivesinalovelyColonialhouseinawell-to-dosuburbwiththeproverbial“picketfence.”MattwenttoStanfordforundergradandWharton(UniversityofPennsylvania)forhisMBA,afterwhichhewashiredbyacompanythatcreatessoftwareforinvestmentbanks.Heworkedhiswayupforover20yearsandbecameoneoftheVPsofthiscompany,makingmultiplesixfigures.Althoughhehasallthetrappingsofsuccess—nicecars,nicehouseandtheabilitytotakeluxury26 vacations,Matthasalwaysbeenconscientiousaboutsaving20%ofhistake-homepay(unlikehispeerswhobleweverypennytheymade),andthiscushionallowedhimtofollowhisdreamsandgotothenextlevelofhiscareer.Mattwasrealgoodathisjobbuthatedthegrindofmanagingpeopleandtheofficepolitics.After20yearswiththiscompany,hecouldn’ttakeitanymoreandquittostarthisownfirmdoingthesamething.Heknowshecanserviceclientsbetterthanthecompanyheonceworkedfor.It’sbeentwoyearssincehestartedhiscompanyandhehasveryfewclients.Histwoclientsaresmallbanks,notenoughtoreplacethesalaryhewasmakingworkingforsomeoneelse.(Hecurrentlybringsin$60K.)Nooneknowsthis,butfortunatelyhehasenoughsavingstopayhislivingexpenseswhilehetriestomakehimselfasuccess.Mattattendsmanyhigh-levelnetworkingeventsandisoftenaskedhowhisnewbusinessisgoing.Hisusualresponse?“It’sgreat!”ButsecretlyMattpraysthatnoonefindsoutheonlyhasonlytwoclients.Atthesemeetings,Matthasahardtimeconfidentlyexpressingthemissionofhiscompanyandaskingforintroductionstootherswhocouldleadhimtohisnextclient.He’safraidofsoundinglikeapompousjerkordesperatelylookingforbusiness.Becausehehasnoconfidencetalkingaboutthemeritsofhisnewfirm,heisalwayseagertohelpotherswiththeirbusinessestodeflecthowheisreallyfeeling.Mattisveryafraidoffailingatthisventure.Hehasgotteninhisownwaybecauseheneverbelievedthathewas“asgreatandassmart”ashispeershavealwaystoldhim.Negativityishismiddlename.Afailurelikethiswillreinforcehisrealbeliefsabouthimself,thatI’maloser,I’mafraudandI’mnotworthyofsuccess.Mattissmartandhe’saware.Hehasspentyearsinpsychotherapyandhas27 readcountlessself-helpbooks----andstillhe’snotreallythathappy.Whenhethinksaboutit,hedidn’tenjoyrelivingtheoldmemoriesduringtherapy.Heoftenfeltworseleavingatherapysessionthanwhenhewentin.Deepdown,hefelthewasgoingincircles.Realistically,headmitstherapymadehimfeelmentallystablebutnotauthenticallyhappy.Theantidepressantshewasprescribedtooktheedgeoffbuttheydidn’tsolvehisproblems.Neitherdidattendingself-helpseminars.Mattgotpumpedupwhilehewastherebutwentbacktohisoldstateprettyquickly.Hewasdisappointedanddiscouragedthathenevercouldimplementthelastingchangeshewashopingfor.NowMatthasanewgoalthatwill“save”him.Hekeepsthinking,ifIjustmademillionsfrommyownbusiness,Iwouldbehappy.LetmegiveyouapeekinsideofwhatisreallygoingonwithWattthathashimstuck.Mattisonlyat5outof10onthehappinessscale.ThisisaquestionIaskmyclientstoratethemselveswhoIgetquicksnapshotofwheretheystandemotionally.“One”meansyou’rereadytojumpoffabridge,“10”meansyou"rejumpingforjoy.Mattwouldliketobehappierbuthehasnoideawhatthatfeelslikeandhedoesn’tknowifit’sevenpossibleforhim.Hisself-loathingandlowself-esteemshowupinthewayhetreatshisbody.Heeatsjunkfood,toomanyfriedandgreasythingsanddrinksbeertosoothehisanxiety.Heangerseasily,carries20extrapoundsandhashighbloodpressure.(Andapornaddictionhiswifedoesn’tknowabout.)Heknowsheshouldbetakingcareofhimselfbuthedoesn’tfeellikeit.Besides,thepillswilltakecareofthebloodpressure.Hethinksabouteatingbetterbuthereasonsthathecouldn"teatsaladsinfrontofhisfriendsonWallStreet.28 They’lljustmakefunofhimforeatinglikea“sissy.”Andthosesteakandwinedinnerssuretastegood,especiallyendingitwithhisfavorite—cheesecake.Histhoughtprocessis,Screwthediet,eatingsaladisjustgoingtomakememoremiserable.Besides,everyoneelseiscarryingaroundabeerbellytoo,I’mnotalone!Idon’tlookthatbad.WhenMatt’sathome,hehasatendencytosnapatthekidsandhiswife,noteveryday,butoftenenoughthattheywalkoneggshells,onguard,waitingforthenextoutburst.Whenhedoesgetangry,afterwardsheasksforforgivenessandhateshimselfwhenthisuglypartofhimcomesoutandmakeshimlosehistemper.Whenweexaminedhispast,itwasapparentthathisangryoutburstswerejustareflectionoftheangerhe’sholdinginsidefromoldtoxicexperiences.Angerisawayforchildhoodpartsanddepressiontoexpressitself,especiallyinmen,sincemeninoursocietyarenotsupposedtofeelmanyemotions,althoughangerandnumbnessaredeemedacceptableformentoexpress.Matt’schildhoodwasn’tideal.Hisparentsdidn’tgetalongandfoughtallthetime.Theydivorcedwhenhewasfive.Mattneverfeltlovedorworthy—hefeltabandonedandrejected.Mattunderstandswhyhefeelsthiswayfromyearsoftherapy.He’semotionallystablebuthe’snot“cured”ofhisself-loathing.Hedosesaypositiveaffirmationseverydayandisgratefulforallthathehas.However,thefeelingsofnegativityandthe“innervoices”neverquit—theyhaunthimlikeghostslurkinginthebackground.Heaskshimselfafterallthoseyearsoftherapy.Nowwhat?Ican’tchangethehistoryofmypast.HowtheheckdoIusewhatIlearnedaboutmyselfintherapytotakemylifetothenextlevel?I’mjustlefthanging.Nothingwaseverresolved.IknowI’mcapableofsomuchmorebutthesevoicesgetintheway.29 Sotheseghostsofthepastshowupinthepresent.Hissuitcaseisoverloadedwiththedirtylaundryofoldemotionalbaggage.Heneedstoemptyoutthesuitcasebeforeanythinggoodcanhappentohim.Whentheheavyburdenofdirtylaundryistakenoutofthesuitcase,therewillfinallyberoomforgoodthingstohappen.Thereisnobandwidthtotakeinopportunitieswhenit’stakenupwithenergiesofthepast.That’sjustthewaytheUniverseworks.Theburdenofthesuitcasehashimgoingthroughthemotionsofhislife.Mattdreadsgettingoutofbedinthemorning.He’stired.He’scrankyandoftenhungoverfromtoomanybeersthenightbefore.HiskidsknownottoengagetoomuchwithDadinthemorning—hejustseemssostressedandoverwhelmed.Theywanttosharethingsthataregoingonintheirlivesbutareafraidhemightbecomecriticalinsteadofjustbeingadadwholistenstothemandunderstands.Heexpectsexcellence,andifthat’snotpresent,he’llpushthemtobebetterbycriticizingthem.SoiftheboysbringB’shomefromschool,he’llsay,“Howcomeit’snotanA?You’llnevergetintoatopcollegeifyoudon’tgetA’s!”He’srepeatingthesamethingsheheardfromhisdad.Theboysfeelliketheyjustgotstungbyabeeandtheyretreattotheirroomstosulk.SinceMatt’salwayssotired,hisdailyroutineinvolvesdowningseveralcoffees,thengrabbingabagelwithcreamcheesefromthelocaldelibeforetakingtheshort10-minutedrivetothesmallofficeherents.WhenMattgetstotheoffice,thereissooomuchworkthathe’sfrozenandcan’tdecidewhattodonext—it’sjusttoooverwhelming.It’seasiertofilepapersandsurftheInternetthantomakethephonecallstohisnetworktoconnectwiththepeoplewhocangrowhisclient.Soinsteadofdoinghardwork,Mattfindsexcusestohelpothers.Ittakeshismindoffhisowninadequacies.That’swhyhelovesgoingtohisnetworkinggroups.It’sanantidotetothemiseryofholinghimselfupinhisoffice.He30 connectswithothersandhelpsthemout,andtheytakehimtolunchtothankhim.Thesocializingisawelcomereprieve,butwhenitcomestohisbusiness,he’safraidtoaskforhelp.“Whatwilltheythinkofme?Ishouldknowhowtodothis.IwenttoWharton!”MattoftenmeetsverysuccessfulentrepreneursintheWhartonalumninetworkinggroups.Theyconstantlyboastabouthowlucrativetheirlastdealwasandhowmuchtheircompaniesareworth.It’sobviousthesepeoplearemultimillionairesbythecompanytheykeepandbythemoneytheyspendonalavishlifestyle.Duringtheseinteractions,Mattfeelsveryintimidated.He’sthinking:·Whothef***doIthinkIam?·Ifeelsosmallcomparedtomyclassmates.·I’mnevergonnagetwheretheyare.·I’matotalloser!Ionlyhavetwoclients.·HowdoIgetmysh*ttogethertoproduceresults?·HowthehelldoIgetoutofthisstate?·I’mjustnotmeantforsomethingbigger.·Ineedtogetoutofmyownway.Mattisinconflictwithhimself.Apartofhimdesperatelywantssuccessandanotherpartistellinghimselfhe’satotalloser.Whenhegetshomelateatnightfromthesenetworkingmeetings,hedrinksbeer,watchespornonthecomputerandmasturbatestorelievethestress.Yes,hemakeslovetohiswife,butit’snotthatoften;onceeverytwoweeks.Hejustdoesn’tfeellikeit.Thepornisabetterescape.Nowthathe’stryingtomakeitonhisown,Mattcan’tgetoutofhisownwaytomanifestsuccess.Alltheemotionalbaggagefromthepastiscomingtothe31 surfacetoholdhimback.Mattisfeelingtheconsequencesofhispastashetriestodothehardworkofattachingclients,whichhecan’tseemtodobecauseheisafraid.WhatMattdoesn’tknow(andwhatmostpeoplearen’tawareof)isthattherearehiddenpartsinsideofeachandeveryoneofusthataresilentlysabotagingus,evenifwehad“perfectlylovingparents.”Ifwearenotashappyaswewanttobeandfeelheldback,it’smorethanlikelytheresultofnegativeexperiencesathomeand/oratschoolthathaveusbelievingwearenotgoodenough,smartenoughorworthyenough.(Andsometimesthethingsthathappenedatschoolcanbeevenmorenegativeanddamagingthanthingsthathappenedathome.)IfyouarerelatingtoMattinsomeaspectofyourownlife,IwillbewalkingyouthroughhowMattfinallygotridoftheseconflictingvoicesinthischapterandthenext.So,there’stheconsciouspartofMattwantssuccessbutthestrongermessageoftheotherpartsdon’tbelieveheisworthyofit.Thosenegativepartsareholdingthebeliefsof:·Iamnotworthy·Iamnotenough·Iamabadpersonwhodoesn’tdeservesuccess.Matttookonthesebeliefsasaresultofnegativeexperiencesfromhisparents,teachersandpeers.ListentosomeofthevoicesfromhischildhooddaysthatstillechoinMatt’searstoday:“Matt,stopit.Stopbeingsuchapaininthebuttandmakingallthatnoiseandallthatmess!Whycan’tyoubepeacefulandquietlikeyoursister?”“Nowgotoyourroomforatimeout.Idon’twanttohaveyouspankyousomemore.I’mnotgettingyouthattoybecauseyouarebeingsobad”“You’resuchadisappointment.You’renevergoingtoamounttoanything.32 You’rejustnotspecialenough.”“LookatMatt,he’sgotsneakersfromtheSalvationArmy.Eewww!!”IsthereanydoubtwhyMattbelievedandfelthewasbadandnotworthyofhisparents’orhispeers’love?Hetookonthebeliefsthat“Imustbebad.Whyelsewouldmom,dadandmyclassmatestreatmethisway?”Butthere’sascientificexplanationtowhyMatt’smindsoakedupthenegativityliterallylikeasponge.Beforetheageofseven,thebraintakesineverythingthatistoldtousandthathappenstousliterally.Whichmeansevenwitnessingoreavesdroppingonyourparents’fightshasyoutakeonthebelief“Imustbebad,whyelsewouldtheybefighting?”Therewasn’tanotherlovingandcompassionateadultthereforyoutoexplainthatit’snotyouthatiscausingthefights,it’stheirownissues.(It’ssadthatthere’snosuchthingasrequiredParenting101Classesbeforepeoplebecomeparents.)You’veseenhowhypnotizedpeoplecanbelieveandbeledtodostrangethings?Well,wewereallina“hypnotictrance”indeltaandthetabrainwavesbeforetheageofseven.Asaresult,webelieveeverypositiveandnegativeword,glanceorfeelingwegotfromauthorityfiguresandpeers.Thisisthe“programmable”state—theseincidencesarelikeprogrammingacomputertobetheoperatingsystemtorunyouradultlife.Thisiswhyouryoungpartsgetfrozenintimewhennegativeeventshappen(positiveeventsgetfrozentoo).Whenwegetolderourbrainsmatureandareabletobetterdistinguishtruthfromfiction,butthenegativeeventsinadultlifetriggerthechildhoodfeelingsofinadequacy.NotonlywasMattpunishedoften,hisparentsfoughtalot,andtheydivorcedwhenMattwasfiveyearsold.Mattwouldoftenhearhisfatherphysicallyandverballyabusinghismother.·“You’reaworthlessbitch.”33 ·“You’resostupid.”·“You’refat.”·“Youcan’tdoanythingright!”·“Imakethemoneyinthehouse,you’renevergonnaamounttoanything.”·“Yourjobistotakecareofthekids,notgoafteryourdreams.”Mattwouldoftencryhimselftosleepafterwitnessingthisabuse.Thetensioninthehousewasunbearable.WhywasDadbeatinguponMom?Becausetheirrespectivewoundedpartswerefightingwitheachother.Loveandcompassioncomefromourhighestspiritualselves.Matt’smomanddad’slovingandcompassionateselveswereburiedunderneaththeirwounds.Asaresult,Mattbecameanothervictimofneglect.It’sanotherviciouscycleof“victimscreatingmorevictims.”Weallknowthatkidsarenotstupid.Theypickuponeverything.Evenifthewordsaresayingsomethingelse,childrenstillfeeltherealemotionsbehindthewords.AsaresultofMatt’shomeenvironment,hedidn’tfeelgoodabouthimselfandgrewintoanadultwhowassilentlyfulloffearandself-doubt.Atschool,Mattactedoutandwasputintimeoutsinthehallwayquiteabit.Mattwasalsoaneasytargetforbullies.Inorderforkidstogrowintohealthyadultstheyhavetofeelandbelievethattheyaredecenthumanbeings.Asaconsequence,Matt’sinjuredyoungerpartsarenowruininghislife:Thepartthatdidn’tfeellovedasakid,especiallythepartthatfeelhumiliatedfrombeingcalled“bucko”becauseofhisbuckteeth,thepartthatfeltshamefromstandingintimeoutinthehallwayastheotherkidsteasedhimontheirwaytorecess.That’swhyhe’safraidofsteppinguptodotheworkforhisbusiness.Matthastriedtherapytohealhispast.Hewasclinicallydepressedfortwo34 yearsmanyyearsago.Essentiallywhatcausedthedepressionweretheoldpartsovertakinghispsyche.Hecouldn’teventhinkstraight.Thetherapistpatchedhimupthebestheknewhow,andaftertwoyearsofmedsandtherapy,gothimbackto“normal”.EventhoughMattisintellectuallyoverhiswounds,heisstillemotionallystrangledbytheassociatednegativebeliefsandfeelings.Andit’sshowingupbigtimeinhowunhappyhefeelsandhowafraidheisofhisowngreatness.ThisisalsowhyMatthasahardtimebeingpresentforhisfamily,andwhyhiswifeandkidsfeelliketheyarewalkingoneggshells.ThesearethesamewoundedpartsmakeMatteatcrap,drinktoomuchandpleasurehimselfwithporn.Sonow,eventhoughMattismentallyhealthyandstable,theseoldpartsarerearingtheiruglyheadsandholdinghimbackfromhisfullpotentialandhappiness.Underneathhisconfidentexteriorarefalsebeliefs,fearsandanxietiesthatneedlesslymakehimaprisonerofhisownmind.Mattisafraidandfullofdoubtmorethanheisdepressed.Hishighestspiritual,centeredSelfhasthepowertodrivethebusofhislifewithoutfear,butthishighestSelfisburiedunderneathhiswoundedparts.Thesolution:Thesepartsmustbeupdatedwithnewprogramming,bydeletingthe“virus”oftheoldprogrammingandinstallinganewoperatingsystemthattellsMattheislovable,worthyandenough.Matt’strueSelfhasthesuper-ninjapowertohealthepartsofhimthatareholdinghimback.ButfirstMattneedstore-framehisviewpointonhappiness.Hethinksmakingatleastahalfamilliondollarsinhisnewbusinesswillbringhimthathappiness.Wrong!Happinessisnotadestination.TheLawofParadoxicalIntentsays:“Youmusthavegoalsbutyourhappinesscannotbetiedtothosegoals.You35 mustbehappyfirstbeforeyoureachyourgoals.”Mattwillbehappyafterheenergeticallyunloadsthesuitcasefullofbaggagefromthepast,notwhenhishappinessisbasedonthe“destinations”ofmoney,praiseormore“stuff.”***PsychologistAbrahamMaslow’sHierarchyofNeedssaysthatyoucan’tmoveupfromonerungtothenextuntilyouhavesatisfiedyourlowerneeds.Soyouwillnotbeabletounleashyourfullpotentialuntilyourbasicbiologicandemotionalneedsaremeet.Mostofuswanttolivealifeofsignificanceandmakeacontributionofsomekind.Thosegoalsarecenteredonunleashingourfullpotentialofself-actualizing.Maslowsaid,“Ifyoudeliberatelyplanonbeinglessthanyouarecapableofbeing,thenIwarnyouthatyou’llbeunhappyfortherestofyourlife.”That’swhyitisimportanttodoeverythingyoucanlivefullyandgobig.Peoplewhopursueself-growthdon’twanttodiewithregrets.There’sanepidemicofdepressionandself-loathingnow,andmuchofthisisduetopeoplenotlivinguptotheirfullpotential.Someofusarestillidentifyingwith,stillinandlimitedbythestoriesforthewoundedpartsofourselvesthatlackself-esteemandconfidence.Asaresult,thecouragetotakeourdreamsoutofthedarkdrawerandintothelightofdayisalmostnon-existent.AndasMaslowsays,you’llbeunhappyfortherestofyourlifebecauseyouknowyouarecapableofmorebutyouarenotdoinganythingaboutit.Or,there’sanotherscenario...Someofusdogetthecouragetodosomethingtomakeadifference,butinthatjourneytoself-actualizationwegetinourownway;wegetstuckandwecan’t36 understandwhy.That’sbecausewearetryingtogofromthe“love/belonging”stagetothe“self-actualization”stagewithoutgoingthroughthe“self-esteem”stage.(SeeMaslow’svisual.)ThisiswhyMattisstuck,afraidandunhappy.Mattistryingtoself-actualizethroughthelaunchingofhisbusinessbutheisstuckatthe“esteem”stage.Hedoesn’tunconditionallylovehimselfyet.Eventhoughhe“looks”successful,thetruthishelacksself-esteemandconfidence.AndbecauseMatt’swoundedpartslackconfidenceandself-esteem,theyhaveovertakenhispsycheandaresabotaginghimbecausetheyarestuckinthehurtsofthepast.Insteadofundergoingmoretherapy,Mattneedstoidentifythewoundedpartsthatcausedhisnegativecorebeliefsinthefirstplace.(I’llshowyouexactlyhowIguidedhimtohealthesepartsanddiscardtheassociatednegativefeelingsandbeliefsforgoodinthenextchapter.)WhenMattisabletounconditionallyloveallofthepartsofhimself,hewillgaintheself-esteemandconfidencetodothescarythingsandtakethenecessaryriskstolivetohisfullpotential.Hewillenduphappynow,notsomedaywhenhebecomesrich.Happinessinthepresentwillactuallybringhimtohisriches!AstheLawofParadoxicalIntentsays,happinessisnotadestination,happinessoccursinthepresentmoment,youhavetobehappyfirstbeforeyoureachyourgoalsofwealth,health,fame,etc.HappinessnowwillraiseMatt’svibrationsandenergyandallowhimtomagnetizethepeopleandtheopportunitiesheneedsforhissuccess.***Everythingisenergy,includingyourthoughtsandfeelings.Ifyouare37 consumeddayinanddayoutwiththoughtsof,I’mfat,thatismorethanlikelywhatyouwillget.Whatyouthinkaboutyouwillmorethanlikelyget.It’stheconceptof“Whereyourthoughtsgo,yourenergyfollows.”Beliefsturnsinto->Thoughts,whichturnintoyour->Feeling,whichdetermineyour->Actions,andthatwillshowupinyour->Results(orlackthereof).InMatt’scase,hebelievesheisworthless.Hethinks,I’llneverbeabletodothis.Mattfeelssmallandincompetent.Therefore,Hisresults----verylittlebusiness,weightproblem,relationshipconflicts——arejustareflectionofhisworthlessnessandothernegativebeliefs.Mattactslikeawimpatnetworkingmeetings,withnocouragetoconfidentlytellotherswhatagreatserviceheprovides,andaskhowtheycanhelphimgrowhisbusiness.Here’sanotherexample.Let’spretendyouorsomeoneyouknowbelievestheyare“fat”andthatthey’rea“loser.”Mostofthetimetheyarethinkingabouthowdisgustedtheyarewiththeirbody,sotheyfeelhorribleandanxious.Andthentheyactonthathorriblefeelingbyeatingmorejunk,likeicecreamorpotatochips.Theresultsarethattheyarebustingoutoftheirclothes,whichinturnreinforcestheoriginalbeliefthattheyare“afatloser.”It’saself-fulfillingprophecy.Buteveryonecanstopthisviciouscyclebybelievingthattheyarefitandthentheywillactaccordingly.Changingthenegativebeliefsintopositiveinvolvesgoingbacktothememoriesoftheoriginaldevaluingexperiencesthatcreatedtheminthefirstplace.Sobeforeanyonebelievesthattheydeservetobefit,theyhavetofigureoutwhichwoundedpartsareholdingthembackfrombelievingtheyareworthyofbeingfitandhealthy.Anotherconsequenceofnotbelievinginyourselfisthatyouvibratefroma38 lowerenergy.Justthinkaboutatimeyoumetsomeoneandthought,“Iloveherenergy.”Or,thinkaboutatimewhenyoufeltthatsomeonehadadarkcloudfollowingthemaround.Youfeelliketheysuckthelifeoutofyouandyoujustwanttoavoidthemliketheplague.Thisislowenergy.Ourpositiveandnegativethoughtsshowupintheenergywevibratefrom.Thinkofsomeoneyouknowwhospeakstimidly.Youcanfeeltheirlackofconfidence.Theirlowvibrationsoflackofconfidenceand/orhappinessaremanifestinginthepowerenergyoflackofconfidenceintheirvoices.Inknowofafewadultwomenintheir30’sand40’swhosoundliketentative20-year-olds.Unfortunately,it’shardtohideyourthoughtsandfeelings.Youcanfakeitforawhilebuteventuallyyourrealmoodwillshowup.Youcanbesayingonethingbutyourenergyis“saying”or“vibrating”theexactopposite.InMatt’scasehislackofself-confidencehashim“vibrating”atlowerenergy.Peoplepickuponit...it’ssubtle,buttheycanfeelit.Andthat’swhytheymaynotbeinclinedtodobusinesswithhim.Itjustdoesn’tfeelright.***Soyoumaybewondering:howdidMattbecomeaVPathisoldjobwhenhelackedconfidenceandself-esteem?Well,it’spossibleto“fake”yourconfidenceandpushyourselfupthecorporateladderwiththebeachballofthewoundsofthepastheldunderwaterinyour20’sand30’s.Butyoucanonlyhidethepainsofyourchildhoodforsolong—keepingthatbeachballimmersedunderwaterwithforce—beforeyouremotionalandphysicalhealthtakeabeating.Mattfakeditandmadeittotheexecutivesuiteofhislastcompanybutnowhecannolongerkeepfakingitinhisentrepreneurialjourney.AlthoughMattwasagoodsaveranddidn’tsquanderallofhismoneythewaysomeofhisassociatesdid,still,hisjourneytofindhappinessdidinclude39 acquiringsociety’sdefinitionofsuccess:attractivewife,bighouse,statuscarslikeLexusandBMWs,andexoticvacations.Bystayingbusykeepingupwith“theJonese,”hewastoobusytothinkabouthispast.Afterall,he’d“gottenoverit,”butinreality,ithadonlybeensweptundertherug.SoMattisgoingthroughthemotionsoflife.Andheis,likesomanyofus,notconsciousofhowwereallyfeelorwhatisreallydrivingus.Until...·Thesh*thitsthefanwhenwecannolongertakethegrindofthejob.Itliterallymakesussick·Thesh*thitsthefanwhenwetrytoliveuptoourpotentialandwecan’tgetoutofourownway·Thesh*thitsthefanwhenwerealizethatkeepingupwiththeJoneses,livingbeyondourmeans,climbingtheladderofsuccessandbuyingmore“stuff”justtoproveourworthtoothersdoesn’tmakeushappy.ThekeyforMatttoovercomehisdesperatestateistogettoknowthepartsofhimselfwiththeundesirablebehaviorsandunderstandandappreciatedtherolestheyplayedinkeepinghimsafe.Thesepartswithnegativebehaviorstookonextremerolestoshieldhimfromthetoxicexperiencesofhischildhood.OncethesepartswithundesirablefeelingsandbehaviorsfeelheardandappreciatedbyMatt’shighesttrueSelf,theywillallowhimtoopenthedoorstothedungeonandaccesstheshamed,rejectedandhumiliatedyoungexiledpartsofhimthatarefrozenintime.Matt’strueSelfwillbeabletogobacktothesceneofthoseoriginaldevaluingexperiencesandgivethosepartsofhimtheloveandreassurancestheyneededthattheynevergotfromtrustedandlovingadults.WhentheseexiledyoungpartsthatexperiencedtraumaarebroughtintothepresentandfeelsafewithMatt(andgettoseewhathislifeislikenow),thenthe40 badbehaviorsandfeelingsbroughtonbytheprotectiveparts(drinking,porn,anger,irritability,numbness,etc.)willnolongerplayout.Thesepartswillnolongerneedtocontinuetheirundesirablebehaviorsandfeelingsandtheywillbefreetotakeonnewandmorepositiverolestomovehislifeforward.Thesepartsareessentiallyundergoing“Chapter11BankruptcyReorganization”andtheywillallbegettingnewjobdescriptions.Whenyouexperience“PartsWork”throughtheInternalFamilySystemsmethodology,thenyougettotellthemwhattheirnewrolesaresotheybecomepartofyourdreamteamtomoveyouforward.TheywillnowbehavenicelyaspassengersoftheRealYoutodrivethebus,nolongerstuckanhijackedbytheoldwoundedparts(whoapplythebrakesthatkeepyoustuckandnotmovingforwardonthebus).Justbereassuredthathavingthesepartsdoesnotmeanyouhavemultiplepersonalitydisorder.Weallhaveparts.Theyareafamily.Sometimespartsgetintofightsbecauseoftheopposingrolestheytookonasaresultofthewoundedexperiences.Onepartwantstoeathealthyandtheotherpartcouldn’tgiveacrapabouteatingvegetablesanddrinkinggreenjuices.Whenthese“familymembers”haveconflictingroles,wegetstuckandcan’tmoveforward.Thesefamilymembershavetobeheard,learntoco-exist,worktowardthesamegoalsandallowyourSelftoemergeandbetheleaderofyourpartssoyoucandrivethebusofyourlifeforward.That’swhythismodalityofpartsworkiscalledInternalFamilySystem.Weareworkingwiththefamilyofyourparts.AsforMattandtherestofus,weallhavethepowertounleashourgreatness.Nooneelsecandoitforus.YourrealtrueSelfmayhavegottenpusheddownbyauthorityfiguresandpeersthroughyourdevaluingexperiencesbuttheSelfcanriseagainafteryouunburdenthefaultybeliefsofyourwoundedparts.Youmayalreadyhavemomentsofbrilliancewhereyoufeelliketherealyouisdrivingthe41 bus.Butifthosemomentsofbrilliancedon’tlast,thatmeansyourpartshavehijackedyouagainandpreventyoufromgoingforward.HowcanyoutellwhenyourtrueSelfisincharge?Whenyouarenotafraidtobeyou.Self-leadershipisthekeytohealth,wealthandhappiness.TherealSelfisjoyful,peaceful,empathetic,courageous,curious,loving,fearless,honest,openaccepting,confident,compassionate,beautiful,spacious,trusting,creativeandconnected.TheSelf-ledpersonishappyandfullofpossibilities.ThisiswhatwearetryingtounleashinMatt,therealtrueSelf.Let’smoveintohowIactuallyhelphimaccomplishthis.AswetrackhowMattovercomeshischallengesinthischapterandbecomesamorelovingandjoyfulversionofhimself,you’llgetanoverviewofhowItakemyclientsfromstucktounstoppable.IamalsousingtoolsfrommycoachingtoolboxinadditiontoInternalFamilySystemstohelpMattgetunstuck.Havingajuicyloveaffairwithyourselfandbelievinginyourselfisoneofthefundamentalkeystomovingforwardandlivingyourlifehappilyeverafter.SinceMatthasalotofissueswiththeywayhisdad,David,treatedhim,heneedstostepintohisdad’sshoessohecanunderstandwhyheisthewayheissothathecanforgivehim.And,Matt’sfrozenpartsneedtobethawedoutofthepastandbroughtintothepresent,tobeseen,heardandvalidatedbyhistrueSelf.Emily:Matt,wecan’tchangethepast,butIcanhelpyouunderstandandforgiveyourfather.I’dlikeyoutoimaginethreepointsofatriangle.Onepointisyou,thesecondisyourfatherandthethirdpointisaneutralobserversuchOprah.Stepintoyourself.AsMatthew,pleasetellyourfatherDavidhowyoufeelandwhatisimportanttoyou.Tellhimwhatitwaslikelivingwithhim.(Forthesakeofbrevity,theseconversationshavebeenabbreviatedtorevealthe42 coreessence.)Matthew:IfeellikeIwasnevergoodenough.Ididn’tfeelyoulovedmeforME.IfeltashamedandrejectedwhenIcouldn’tmakeyouproudduringmysoccergames.Ifeltlikeyoureallydidn’twantme,thatIwasanaccidentandnowyou’restuckwithme.Ifeltsicktomystomachwhenyouyelledatandhitmom.ThetoxicityfromthephysicalabusemademefeellikeIwasthecauseofyourfighting.Ihatedbeingshuffledbetweenyourhouseandmom’shouseafterthedivorce.Ihateditwhenyouguystalkedbadlyabouteachother.Ididn’twanttotakesides.WhenIshapedupwithmygrades,youdidn’ttellmeyouwereproudofme.IgotintoStanfordonascholarshipprobablybecausetheysawthatyouandmomdidn’tgotocollegeandtheywantedtogivemeachance,eventhoughIdidn’thavetopgradeslikemyricherclassmates.Allyousaidwas,That’snice...We’llseeifyoucankeepupwiththeworkload.Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifyoudropout.Ouch!What’supwiththat?Didn’tyouhaveanyfaithwithme?I’vebeeninadarkplaceforalongtimebecauseofyou.E:TellDadwhatyouwantedfromhimthatyounevergot.M:Ijustwantedyoutotellmethatyouareproudofmeandthatyoulovedme.(Matt’sabitemotionalwithhisvoicequivering.)E:Pleasestepintothesecondpointofthetriangle.NowyouareDavid,yourfather.AsDavid,whatareyoufeeling?WhatdoyouwantyoursonMatttoknow?M:(speakingashisfather)Matt,IdidthebestIcouldasafather.Iwanted43 thebestforyou.That’swhyIwasalwayscriticizingyouandtellingyouhowtodothingsbetter.Iwantedyoutodowellsoyoucouldgetintoagoodcollege.Ididn’twantyoutoendupinablue-collarjoblikeme.IknowthatplumbersareveryimportanttosocietybutIwasashamedofmyoccupation.It’smyidentityissue.There’snothingwrongwithbeingaplumberbutIjustknewIwascapableofmore.Ididn’tapplymyself.That’swhatI’mupsetabout.Justsettling—notbeingmorethanIcouldbe.MytemperwasaresultofhowmiserableIwasbecauseofmycriticalmother.IneverfeltIwasgoodenough.I’msorryifIabusedyourmotherthewayIdid.I’mashamedbutIcouldn’thelpmyself.It’sthatpartofmethatjustwantedtolashoutbecauseIwasangryandmiserable.Iloveyou,Iwantthebestforyou.Iaminmyownmisery,Idon’tknowhowtogetoutofit.I’msorryforallthethingsIhavedonetoyou.(Mattisemotionallyrawafter“feeling”hisfather.Heneversawitfromhisperspective.)E:Stepbackintotheshoesofyourself.Whatdoyouwanttotellyourdadnowthatyou’veheardhisperspective?M:OhmyGod!Ineverknewyouwereinsomuchpain.Iloveyou!(MattsobsandfeelsthepainofhisDadinhisheart.)rdE:Now,stepintothe3pointofthetriangleasaneutralobserversuchasOprah.Fromthe20,000footview,whatisgoingonwithMattandDave?M:Matthasbeensohurtfromhispast.Heblameshisfatherforhislowself-esteemandlackofconfidence.Davidisinjustasmuchpainfromhispastandthat’swhyhetookitoutonMatt’smotherverballyandphysically.Matt44 absorbedthenegativeenergyofthehouseandconcludedthathewasbadandthathewasaburden,andthat’swhytheyfought.E:Now,stepintothemiddleofthetriangle.FromthathighestplaceofSpirit,whatneedstohappenbetweenMattandDavidinorderforthemtohaveabetterrelationship?M:(speakingfromaplaceofSpirit):MattandDavidneedtoforgiveoneanother.Davidwasinsomuchpainfromhispastthathedidn’tknowhowtoshowupasalovingfather.He’sjustrepeatingthepatternofhowhewastreatedasakid,withemotionalabuse.Thereisalotoflovebetweenthem...theyjustneedtoforgiveeachother.Mattneedstoletgoandhavecompassionforhisfather.Hisfatherwon’tchangebutMattcanchangethefilterthroughwhichheseeshisfather’semotionsandbehaviors.Heneedstofeelsorryforhisdadandallthathe’sgonethrough.Matt’shomeworkafterthesessionwastowriteaforgivenesslettertohisdad,whichheisnotgoingtomail.Hecanburnitinthefireplaceifitfeelsrightorjusttearitup.Theletterwillreleaseresidualnegativefeelings.NowthatMatthascompassionforhisdad,thenexttimeheseeshim,heshouldnotbetriggered.Thelessoninallofthisisthatmanyofusare“victimsofvictims.”Whenweempathizewithwhatourparents(oranyoneelsewhohashurtus)musthavegonethrough,thefilterthroughwhichweseethemchanges.Forgivenessleadstocompassion,whichinturnleadstopersonalgrowth.Ifyouholdontothemiseryandthehate,youareonlyhurtingyourself,nottheotherperson.Everysituationandexperienceisneutraluntilyouattachapositiveornegativemeaningaroundit.Sonowyoucanneutralizewhathappenedtoyouwhenyouseeitfromtheperspectiveoftheotherperson—thereasonwhytheydidwhattheydid.Andthiswillallowyoufrombeingchainedtothem.45 Atthenextsession,wecontinue.E:Matt,lasttimewewentthroughthetriangleexercisesyouwereabletoempathizeandforgiveyourdad.Whenyouthinkabouthimnow?Whatcomesupforyou?M:I’mtotallygoodwithmydad.Fromallmyyearsintherapy,Iknowwhattheissuesare.IovercamethedepressionbutIneverhadthechancetoreleasethebottled-uptoxicenergy.Nowthe“Ugh!”feelingisgone.46 AppendixIITargetText今天的你还困扰于过去的绝望之中正如我在引入部分提及的那样，我们很多人都在努力提升自己，不断地追求下一个能够让自己感到满足的目标。其中许多人“撞了南墙”而无法继续前行，因为自己早已精疲力竭，追求高标准生活的动力也消失殆尽。为了达到麦迪逊大道富人的高标准生活，我们也许会继续前行。人性的本质原本就这样，不断追求更好的生活，仍像高中时期一样处处跟人比较，只是赌注不断加大——现在所攀比的不再是最时髦的衣着，而是为吸引眼球、炫耀自己已经实现奋斗目标且足够优秀而购置的豪宅、名车。归根结底，对许多人来说，自我感觉良好才是最主要的驱动因素。我将与你分享下面几个故事，以此解释。我们中有些人从外表看来如此“完美无暇”，但在心底我们却感觉自己像个骗子，只是静候幻想破裂的那天，最后有人终会发现背地里我们生活的真实状况。并不是你一个人有这种感觉，我们许多人都会有不知所措的时候，会感觉孤单、寂寞，会行事谨慎，也会难以抉择，在原地打转，感觉自己倒霉透顶，而别人却事事顺心。如果你认为幸福来源于追求一个又一个的目标，或是认为“一旦我有了更多的钱/买到我梦想中的房子/找一个伴侣/花掉身上最后的10英镑（约人民币100元）……我会更加快乐”，（但结果却是每一次“成功的喜悦”都会带来“失败的痛苦”，此时你便会失望透顶）那么你就应该对自己的生活进行一下反思了。短暂的喜悦无法赶走那些根深蒂固的自卑感，缺乏自信会阻碍你通往成功。47 对许多人来说，他们正被过去的魔鬼所驱使却毫无察觉。你可能发现某些人会将你的人生按下“暂停”键，或者你会突然间感觉到力不从心，你便会疑问，“这是从哪冒出来的？”或者当你满怀喜悦和极大的希望开始一段新的恋情或建立新的业务关系时，结果只发现自己在重蹈覆辙，因为“过去的你”和“过去的能量”占上风，会再次招来不合适的恋爱对象和商机。如果你的处境恰好与上述情形相似，那么从马特的故事中你定能有所领悟。马特是我的一名客户，他的事业每况愈下，就是因为他一直困扰于曾受过的伤害。（为保护当事人隐私，马特及其他客户均使用化名。）***马特47岁，相貌英俊，头发却已花白，令人联想到乔治克鲁尼（美国著名演员），只是马特多了一个约莫20磅的啤酒肚。他表面光鲜，实则颇为不易，压力巨大。马特有一个漂亮的贤妻和两个可爱的儿子，一个8岁一个10岁，他住在一个有钱人居住的郊区，有一栋漂亮的殖民地时期的房屋，这里以“尖桩篱栅”而著称。马特去斯坦福和沃顿（宾州大学）攻读了他的工商管理学硕士（MBA），毕业后被一家专为投资银行开发软件的公司录用。20多年来他努力工作，终于成为公司副总裁之一，虽然成功者的所有标志他都拥有了——豪车，别墅，有能力去享受豪华的假期，但（与那些每一分钱都花得一干二净的同行不同）马特一直特别注重存下他实得工资的20%，这一习惯也使得他能够追求自己的梦想，将自己的事业提升一个层次。马特工作确实出色，但他讨厌领导别人，讨厌办公室政治。在此公司工作了20年之后，他不再能继续忍受这样的工作氛围，便毅然辞掉这份工作并创立了自己的公司，但还是同样的为投资银行开发软件。他知道自己比之前的公司能更好地为客户服务。自创办2年来，他公司的客户极少。仅有的两家客户都是小银行，其薪水远比不上当初在别家公司上班的薪水。（他目前的薪水是60,000美元。）48 没有人知道这些，但幸运的是在他努力走向成功的路上，自己早已存了足够的钱来供生活开支。马特会参加许多高级的社交活动，经常会被问道他的公司运营得如何。他通常的反应是什么呢？“还不错！”私下里马特却会祈祷，希望自己只有两家客户的事不要被人发现。在这些聚会上，马特总是佯装自信，艰难地向别人描述自己公司的主要业务，并不断寻求潜在客户。他害怕自己听起来像是一个傲慢自大的家伙，也怕被别人发现自己在拼命地寻找业务，因为他根本就没有自信去吹捧自己公司的业绩有多好。他常常希望能帮助其他企业以此来隐藏自己这一真实感受。创办公司存在很大风险，马特非常害怕自己会失败。他有他自己的方法，因为他从来就不相信自己像同事口中所说得那样“伟大聪明”。消极是他的突出个性。这种失败会加重他内心的真实感受：我是个失败者，我是个冒牌货，我不配取得成功。马特很聪明也很有自知。他花了多年时间进行心理治疗，也读了不少的自助书目，但他仍然不能发自内心的感到快乐。只要一想到这点，治疗时他就不愿回味旧日。一个疗程之后他经常会感到比之前更糟。内心深处，他觉得自己在兜圈子。实际上，他坦言治疗让他感觉精神稳定，但不是真正的快乐。医生开的抗抑郁药减弱了自己的消极情绪，但并没有彻底解决问题。参加自助研讨会也没起到什么作用。在这些会议上马特打足了气，但很快又会泄气。他感到无比失望和沮丧，觉得自己无法实现所期望的持久改变。现在马特有一个可以“拯救”自己的新目标。他一直在想：如果我的公司能够赚取百万美元的利润，那我该高兴死了。让我来给你分析一下马特这种心理状况的内在因素。就幸福等级而言，如果以10分计算，马特只能得5分。这是我向我的客户提出的一个问题，让他们自己评价自己以便我能了解他们的内心感受。“一”意味着你已经濒临崩溃的边缘，“十”意味着你是发自内心的快乐。49 马特想要得到快乐，但他不知道那是一种什么样的感受，也不知道这对他来说有没有可能。他憎恨自己，又感到自卑，对自己的身体也毫不在乎。他选择吃垃圾食品，吃很多的油炸和油腻食品来减轻自己的焦虑。他暴躁易怒，体重超标20磅，还患有高血压。（还沉迷色情，而他的妻子全然不知。）他知道自己应该好好爱惜自己的身体，但他不想那样做。另外，药片可以缓解他的高血压。他告诉自己要吃好点，但他的理由却是不能在华尔街当着朋友们的面吃沙拉，因为他们会开玩笑说他吃东西像个“娘们儿”。那些牛排和葡萄酒晚宴肯定味道不错，尤其是最后再吃上一点他最喜欢的芝士蛋糕。而他的真实想法却是，管它需不需要减肥呢，吃沙拉只会让我更加沮丧，更何况周围的人都挺着个啤酒肚呢，又不是我一个人！我看起来也没有那么糟糕。马特在家时，他有虐童和虐妻的倾向，不是每天都这样，但往往使得妻儿胆战心惊，时时警惕他的再一次爆发。一阵怒气过后他又去寻求原谅，也恨自己这丑陋的一面使得自己丧失理智。我们打听了他的过去，很显然他的暴怒恰是他愤怒于过去不幸遭遇的一个结果。暴怒是童年遭遇以及抑郁的一种发泄方式，尤其对于男性而言，因为尽管社会认可男性选择愤怒和麻木来表达内心感受，但就整个社会来说，男性不应当有太丰富的情感。马特的童年生活并不愉快。他的父母相处得并不融洽，还总是互相殴打。马特5岁的时候他父母便离异了，马特从来没有感受到爱，也觉得自己没什么存在价值——他感到自己被遗弃被排斥了。多年的治疗中马特明白了自己为什么会有这种感受。现在他情绪稳定，但他仍然很厌恶自己。他每天都积极地鼓励自己，也感谢自己所拥有的一切。然而，消极的情绪和“内心厌恶自己的声音”从没停过，就像潜伏的恶魔一样困扰着他。经过多年的治疗后他问自己。现在该怎么办？我改变不了我的过去。我50 到底要怎样才能在治疗中充分认识自己，把自己的生活提高一个层次？我的问题悬而未决。永远都解决不了。我知道自己的能力不止于此，但这些声音始终阻碍着我前进。所以过去的这些幽灵般的困扰便时时出现在脑海。他的意识里充斥着肮脏的过去的思想包袱。他需要清空自己的思想包袱才能改变现有的状况。一旦那些肮脏的思想包袱被清除掉，便能腾出空间来装下一些更加积极的思想。倘若过去的能量占据了所有的空间，就再没有空间去接纳良机。这就跟整个宇宙运行的方式一样。他的生命里充斥着曾经的那些思想包袱。马特害怕早晨起床。他太累了。他脾气暴躁，前一天晚上还喝了很多啤酒。他的孩子们都知道早上不要去招惹老爸——他看起来太疲惫太让人害怕了。他们想跟他分享生活中的点点滴滴，但他们又十分害怕他会严肃的批评他们，而不是当一个懂得聆听自己的父亲。他期望他的孩子们都很优秀，如果他们没有做到，他就会严肃批评逼着他们做的更好。所以，如果孩子们从学校拿回的成绩是B，他就会说：“怎么不是A呢？如果你拿不到A你将永远都不可能考上大学！”他是在重复当初他父亲对他说的话。孩子们心像是被蜜蜂蜇了一般得疼，却只能回到房间生闷气。因为马特总是那么累，他的日常生活中就少不了喝上几杯咖啡，再去当地的熟食店买上几块奶油干酪面包，然后再开上10来分钟的车到自己租下的一间小型办公室。一到这里，马特发现自己有很多工作要做，他一下子懵了，不知道该从何下手——事情真的太多了。最后他选择整理文件和上网，因为这看起来好像要比连线潜在客户来的容易得多。因此，马特选择以帮助他人为理由来逃避那些麻烦的工作。他不去思考自己有哪些不足之处。那也是他为什么喜欢去参加各类社交活动的原因，因为正好不用把自己关在办公室里辛苦工作。他频繁地跟他人打交道，帮助他们摆脱困境，事成之后他们会请他去吃一顿以表感谢。社交对他来说是一剂51 良药，但一说到自己的生意，他却怯于开口寻求帮助。“他们会怎么想我呢？我应该知道怎么处理这件事，我去沃顿商学院进修过！”在沃顿校友群里，马特经常会遇到那些成功的企业家。他们不停地在吹嘘自己的上一笔交易利润多么丰厚，或者自己的公司市价多高。很显然，从他们的公司价值及其奢华的生活可以看出，他们个个都是千万富翁。在与他们的交谈中，马特感到非常自卑。他一直在想：·我他妈的以为我是谁啊？·跟同学们比我简直弱爆了。·我永远达不到他们那个高度。·我只有两家客户，真是个彻头彻尾的失败者。·到底要怎样才能有所成就呢？·到底要怎样才能走出这阴霾呢？·注定我干不出宏图大业。·我只想要活出自己的精彩。马特内心十分矛盾。一边渴望取得成功，一边又说自己是个彻头彻尾的失败者。深更半夜从这些社交聚会回到家后，他会喝上几瓶啤酒，在电脑上看一部色情片，以及自慰来缓解压力。当然，他会跟妻子做爱，但并不经常做，两周才一次。他只是不喜欢那样，色情片能更好地让自己释放精神压力。既然马特自己做了决定，但他还是做不到靠自己走出困境。过往的所有精神包袱都跑出来将他拉回过去。马特在努力工作吸引客户，这对他来说似乎是不可能做到的，因为他害怕去做这件事，同时，他也在经受着过往经历带给自己的折磨。马特不知道（大多数人也都没有意识到）的是，即便我们有“非常慈爱的父母”，在我们内心深处都还隐藏着某个东西会悄无声息的伤害我们。如果我们不如自己希望的那样快乐，并且感觉自己在踌躇不前，这很可能是由52 于我们遭受的不幸经历带来的结果，比如在家庭生活及/或学校生活中我们认为自己不够好、不够聪明也没有价值（有时候学校发生的事可能会比家庭生活中的遭遇更能伤害到我们。）如果你在生活中也有很多跟马特相似的状况，我将会在本章及下一章节向你介绍马特是如何摆脱这些恼人的内心感受的。在此我们可以看出，马特一边清醒的知道自己想要取得成功，一边又频繁地提醒自己没有获取成功的那个资格。他的消极情绪包括：·我不值得取得成功·我没有能力取得成果·我是个坏人，不配取得成功。马特的这些想法源于他的父母、老师及同事带给他的负面经历。我们来听听至今还在他脑袋回响的那些他孩童时代常听到的声音吧：“马特，住手。不要到那儿讨厌，又吵又闹，把家里弄得乱七八糟！你怎么就不能像你妹妹那样安静一会儿呢？”“回房间去消停消停，要不然我打你屁股。你真是太讨厌了，别玩那个玩具。”“你太让人失望了，永远都不会有出息。你的一生注定碌碌无为。”“看马特，他从二手店搞到了一双运动鞋。哼~”对于马特为什么会相信也感觉自己很糟糕且不配得到父母或同伴的关爱还有什么疑问吗？他坚信“我肯定糟糕透了吧，要不然爸爸、妈妈还有同学们怎么这样对我呢？”但是有科学根据可以解释马特为什么会像海绵一样的吸收负能量并受消极情绪影响。7岁前，大脑会直观地记忆他人告诉我们以及周围所发生的一切。这意味着即使是目睹或偷听到父母的打架都会使我们产生这样的想法：“我一定是太糟糕了，否则为什么他们会打架呢？”而身边有没有一个慈祥53 和蔼的大人告诉我们那不是我们的错，错在于他们自己。（很遗憾，没有一条规定要求准父母们参加育儿班学习这些育儿常识。）现在你明白神情恍惚的人会轻信别人去做一些奇怪的事的原因了吧？7岁以前，我们都处于δ和θ脑电波之间的一种“催眠状态”。其结果是我们会相信正面抑或负面的所有语言，感觉自己被上司或同事所孤立。这就是“可编程”状态——这些影响因素就像编程一台电脑的操作系统，待你成年后便能控制你的生活。这就是为什么年轻人在面对消极事件时会止步不前（当然好事也就不可能发生在他们身上了）。随着我们渐渐成长，大脑也越趋成熟，能够更好地辨别事实与虚幻，但成年生活中的负面事件仍然会触发童年时的消极感受。不仅马特经常被罚，他的父母也经常打架，最后在马特5岁的时候他们就离婚了。马特还经常听到父亲对母亲的殴打和辱骂。·“你个没用的婊子。”·“你太蠢了。”·“你真肥得像头猪。”·“你怎么什么事都做不好。”·“这个家里是我在挣钱，你啥也别想拿走。”·“你的任务是照顾孩子，别做梦了想了。”在目睹这些打骂后，马特经常一个人痛哭，哭着哭着就睡着了。家里的这种紧张氛围太让人受不了了。爸爸为什么要打妈妈呢？因为他们在拿各自所受的伤痛去伤害对方。爱和慈悲来自于我们精神上的自我意识，而马特爸爸妈妈的爱与慈悲已被他们所受的伤痛所掩埋。因此，马特就成为另一个被忽视的受害者，这也就产生了一个恶性循环，“一个受害者会使得更多人成为受害者”。我们都知道孩子并不笨。他们会记住所有事情。即使是在说着不相关的事情，他们也仍然能感受到这句话背后的情感态度。由于马特家庭环境的影54 响，他对自己并没有自信，长大后也活在恐惧和自我怀疑当中。在学校，马特非常调皮，经常被拉到走廊罚站。他也是一个老被欺负的对象。为了孩子们的健康成长，他们必须要感觉到并相信自己是有尊严的人。结果是，马特童年时的遭遇正在毁掉他的生活：孩童时代没有得到关爱，特别是因为他的龅牙而被人叫做“龅牙男”时，他感到遭受了侮辱；课间休息期间他在走廊罚站，其他小孩就会取笑他，他也会感到羞耻。那就是为什么他害怕努力工作。马特曾尝试治愈过去带来的阴影。多年前他患了2年的抑郁症。从本质上说，造成他患抑郁症的原因就是过去的遭遇影响了他的心理状况。他连想都不敢想。治疗师尽了他最大的努力来治疗他，可2年的药物和心理治疗之后，他仍不见起色。这便能看出他的内心有多么的不快乐、他有多么的害怕自己过去的遭遇。这也是为什么马特跟家人相处不好、妻儿都感觉如履薄冰的原因。也是这些经历使得马特狂吃滥饮，沉迷于色情。因此，现在即便马特的精神状态保持良好，这些经历也会阻碍马特充分发挥自己的潜能并得到快乐。在他自信的外表下面是消极的信念，恐惧和焦虑，让他成为自己心灵的阶下囚。马特的恐惧和困惑远超出了自己的抑郁。他内心高度的自我意识，以自我为中心的态度能够让他的生活再无恐惧，但高度的自我意识却被他过去的伤痛所掩埋。解决办法：这些伤痛必须要用新的程序来更新，去删除旧程序的“病毒”，安装上新的操作系统来提醒马特自己还是值得被爱、值得获得成功并有能力取得成功。马特的自我意识就像超级忍者一样，能够治愈那些阻碍他前行的伤痛。但马特首先需要重构自己对于快乐的定义。他以为快乐就是在新业务中至少赚取50万美元的利润。55 错！快乐绝不是目的。悖论意图法提到：“你必须有目标，但你的幸福不能与这些目标联系在一起。在你实现目标之前，你必须先要快乐。”在完全卸下过去的思想包袱之后马特将会得到快乐，而不是建立在获取金钱、荣誉或者其他东西的目的上。***心理学家亚伯拉罕·马斯洛的需求层次理论说，除非你的低层次需求已得到满足，否则你是不可能有下一个层次的需求的。因此，除非你的生理和情感需求得到满足，否则你不可能施展你的全部才华。我们大多数都想过有意义的生活，为社会做出贡献。要实现这些目标就需要我们释放潜能，实现自我价值。马斯洛说过，“如果你故意不去做你力所能及的事，那么我警告你，你将来的生活将永不快乐。”这就是为什么要尽你所能地去生活，去有所成就的重要的原因。追求自我成长的人不想带着遗憾死去。如今抑郁症和自我厌恶盛行，这大多由于人们都没有尽其所能。很多人还纠缠于曾经所遭受的伤害之中，作茧自缚，缺乏自尊和自信。结果，他们根本就没有勇气帮助自己把希望从黑暗的深渊里带向光明。正如马斯洛所说，你的余生将会永无快乐，因为你知道自己本可以做得更好，但你却没有尽你所能。或者，还有另外一种情况...有些人勇于改变，但在这过程中，我们会以自己的方式去实现自我；有时会遭受阻碍，我们也无法理解到底是什么原因。那是因为我们在试图从“爱/归属感”这一阶段直接跳到“自我实现”这一阶段，而中间并没有经历“自我认同”阶段。（见马斯洛的需求层次理论。）这就是为什么马特会遭受阻碍，感到恐惧和不快乐的原因。马特想要通56 过创立一家公司来实现自我，但他被卡在了“自我认同”这一阶段。他并没有无条件地爱自己。即使他看似成功，但事实上他缺乏自我认同感和自信。因为马特过去缺乏自信和自我认同，他们已经超越了他的心理承受能力，对马特造成了伤害，因为他一直停留在过去的伤痛之中。首先马特需要找出自己的消极情绪是哪些不幸的经历造成的，而不是继续接受更多的心理治疗。（我将在下一章告诉你我是如何引导他治愈这些伤痛，并消除负面情绪和信仰的。）当马特能够无条件地接受和爱自己的一切时，他便能够得到自我认同，也有自信去做一些本以为不可能完成的事情，更有可能发挥出自己的潜能。他的生活从今开始将会充满快乐，而不是等到将来变得富裕的那天。眼前的快乐实际上可以引领他走向富裕。正如悖论意图法所提到的，快乐不是目的，快乐只在当下，你只有先快乐才能实现自己的目标：财富、健康、名誉等。现在的快乐会激发马特的激情和能量，让他吸引能帮助自己成功的人并得到机会。***每件事都有它无限的能量，包括你的思想和感觉。如果你把有限的光阴都消耗在我很胖这样的想法上，那么你肯定就会越长越胖了。你想什么，自己就会成为什么。这就是“力随心动”的概念。信念转化为->思想，再转化为->感觉，它能决定你的->行动，这将会体现在你的->成就（或不足之处）。就马特这个案子而言，他一直相信自己不值得取得成功。他认为，我将永远不可能做好这件事。马特感觉自己既渺小又无能。因此，他的所有顾虑——那家小型公司，体重超标以及人际关系问题——都是他自己无能和消极思想的结果。马特在各种社交场所里表现得就像是一个懦夫，没有勇气自信地告诉别人自己能为他人提供多大帮助，也不敢问别人能为自己的公司出多大的力。57 这里有另外一个例子。让我们假设你或你认识的某个人认为自己“很胖”、自己是个“失败者”。大多数时候，他们都在想自己的身体有多么令人讨厌，所以他们会感到恐惧和焦虑。然后他们就会付诸行动，吃越来越多的垃圾食品，比如冰激凌或者薯片。结果他们越来越胖，又反过来更加肯定了之前认为自己是个“肥胖的失败者”这一想法。这是一种本身会成为事实的预言。但是，每个人都可以通过相信自己的健康来遏止这种恶性循环，然后去采取相应的行动。要把消极的信念转化为积极的信念就需要回到曾经带给自己不幸经历的原点。因此，在他们相信自己值得拥有健康的体魄前，他们必须找出是什么伤痛的经历导致他们不相信自己也能拥有健康。不自信的另外一个后果是做事毫无激情。想一下你曾经遇到的某个人，你会想，“我喜欢她的激情”。或者，想想曾经某个时候你感觉某个人周围笼罩着一团乌云。你感觉他们像是要把你的生命夺走，你选择逃避他们，就像躲避瘟疫一样。这就是低能量。我们的积极或消极的想法都体现在我们能量中。想想某个你认识的说话胆怯的人，你能感觉到他们的不自信。他们不自信和/或不快乐的低能量在他们不自信的话语中显化出来。要知道30到40岁左右的女性中，能有几个的声音如同怯声怯气的20岁女孩呢。不幸的是，你很难隐藏住你的想法和感觉。即便你能掩饰一阵子，但终究你的真实情感会流露出来。你在说着这件事情，但你所散发出的能量却在“诉说”或“体现”完全相反的事实。就马特这一例子而言，他缺乏自信从而办事效率低。别人会发现到这一点⋯虽然这不明显，但他们能感受得到。那就是他们不愿跟马特合作的原因。只是不合拍。***你也许会疑问：既然马特如此缺乏自信和自我认同感，那么他在原来的公司里面是怎么成为副总裁的呢？其实，一个人在他20到30岁时是可以将58 自己的不自信和过去的伤痛掩藏起来，逼着自己向上攀爬。但在你受到身心伤害之前，你只能隐藏你童年所经历的痛苦——用力将那“沙滩球”按在水中。马特将他的伤痛掩藏得很好并且还当上了前公司的行政领导，但现在他再不能在自己的事业生涯中掩藏好他的弱点了。尽管马特是一个很好的伪装者，也没有像其他同事那样花掉他所有的钱，并且，寻找幸福的旅程中还获知社会是如何定义成功的：漂亮的老婆，大房子，像雷克萨斯和宝马那样的豪车，还能享受充满异国情调的假期。他忙于追求“跟自己同等地位人”的生活水平，因此更没有时间去想过去发生的事。毕竟，他已经熬过来了，但在现实中，曾经的伤痛只是被掩藏于心底。马特正在经历生命中的起起伏伏。他也跟我很多人一样，不清楚自己到底是什么感觉或者到底是什么在驱动自己前行。直到⋯⋯·当我们不再能接受这项工作时情况会变得更糟，它确实让我们很难受·当我们拼尽全力，却无法施展全部才华时，情况才变得糟糕·当我们意识到即便与人攀比，入不敷出，追逐名利，买更多的奢侈品来显示自己的财富并不能让自己感到快乐时，事情会变得更糟马特克服自己绝望状态的关键是要充分了解自己有意或无意的行为，理解并欣赏那些行为对于保障自己安全的作用。这些消极行为在保护他不受童年不幸经历伤害方面发挥着极其重要的作用。一旦马特自我意识到这些不良感觉或行为，他们便会打开他内心深处邪恶之门，回忆起随时间而淡忘的那些掩藏的羞愧、被排挤以及被羞辱的伤痛。马特的自我意识将会回到最初不幸的经历中去，带给他绝不可能从信任而慈爱的父母那儿得到的爱和宽容。当这些被掩藏的受过创伤的经历被马特感知到（去看看他现在的生活过得怎么样），那么那些保护措施（酗酒，色情，愤怒，烦躁，麻木，等）带来的不良行为和情感将不再出现。这些经历将不会带给他不良行为或情绪，并且将会在他未来的生活扮演积极的角色，推动他继续前行。59 这些不幸遭遇实际上正在经历“第11章破产重整”，在治疗过程中它们会发挥不同的作用。当你通过内部结构系统治愈方法来体验“角色扮演”时，你会告诉他们他们的新的角色是什么，所以他们会成为你想要他们成为的样子。如今他们会扮演搭乘你真实生活列车的乘客，不会再受过去的伤痛所羁绊。（他们会像踩刹车那样及时阻拦那些让你的人生列车停滞不前的事情）。请放心，有这些经历并不意味着你有多重人格障碍。我们都有。这些经历是一个整体。由于不幸的经历有时候不同的角色之间也会发生冲突。一方面想要吃得健康，而另一方面有不能给出一个吃蔬菜喝健康饮料的理由。当这些“家庭成员”发生冲突时，我们便会停留不前。这些家庭成员必须相互包容，学会共存，向着同一个目标努力，让你实现自我，引领你前行，这样你就可以驾驶你的生命列车前行。这就是为什么这种方式的角色扮演被称为内部结构系统。我们的工作是让你的那些不幸遭遇不再对你造成伤害。对马特和我们来说，我们都有能力去释放自己的潜能。没有人可以代替我们来做这件事。上司或是同行利用你不幸的经历，把你真实的自我击倒，但是在你战胜自己的伤痛带给自己的弱点之后，你的自我能够再次站起来。你可能已经有了短暂的辉煌，你觉得好像自己在驾驶你的生命列车。但是如果那些瞬间不能够长久下去，那就意味着你受伤的过去已经再次绑架了你，阻碍了你前行。你怎么说得清你的真实自我什么时候在掌控你呢？当你不再害怕自己的时候。自我引导是获得健康、财富和快乐的关键。真实的自我是快乐的、平静的、善解人意的、勇敢的、无畏的、充满好奇的、可爱的、诚实的、开放包容的、自信的、富有同情心的、美丽的、宽敞的、值得信任的、富有创造性且相互联系的。自我引导的人是快乐的，他的人生充满可能。这就是我们试图让马特释放天性，找回真正的自己所做的。我们一起来看看我是如何帮助他做到这点的。60 本章我们在追踪马特如何战胜困难变成可爱且快乐的自己时，你将能看到我是如何帮助我的客户从泥沼走向顺境的大概。为了帮助马特走出阴霾，除了使用内部家庭系统治愈疗法外，我还使用了我教练生涯里的其他方式。跟自己谈一场惊天动地的恋爱并相信自己才是能让自己快乐前行的关键。由于马特经历的伤痛跟他的父亲——戴维待他的方式有着千丝万缕的联系，他需要站在他父亲的立场上因此才能理解为什么父亲会那样，他也才能原谅父亲。并且，马特内心里冻结的东西需要从过去中解冻出来，带回到现实，由他自己所看见，所听见，所证实。艾米丽：马特，我们改变不了过去，但是我能够帮助你理解和原谅你的父亲。我需要你想象一下三角形的三个顶点。第一个顶点是你，第二个顶点是你的父亲，第三个顶点是一个像欧普拉那样的中间观察者。走进自己。像马修那样，请告诉你的父亲戴维你的感觉，告诉他对你来说重要的是什么。告诉他跟他生活在一起你是什么感觉。（为简洁起见，这些谈话都被缩减为核心部分。）马修：我从来没觉得自己很好。我从来没感受到你对我的爱。我在足球比赛中没能让你为我感到自豪，为此我感到羞愧。我觉得你从来没有真的想要过我，我只是个意外，可现在你摆脱不了我。当你吼叫打骂妈妈时我会觉得胃特别不舒服。你对妈妈的毒打谩骂让我觉得是我导致了你们之间的不和谐。你们离婚后我非常讨厌夹在你们之间。我非常讨厌你们恶言相向。我不想帮你们任何一个。我取得好成绩时，你从没说过为我感到自豪。我考入斯坦福大学并获得了奖学金，可能就是因为他们看到你和妈妈都没有上过大学所以想要给我一个机会吧，即便我并不像我那些家世显赫的同班同学那样考了高分。你的回答却是，“很好⋯我们等着看你能不能完成那些繁重的学习任61 务。即便你辍学了我们也不会惊讶的。”哎哟！那是怎么回事呀？难道你们对我就没有一点信心吗？因为你们我已经过了太久的黑暗日子了。艾米丽:告诉父亲你他从来没有给过你什么，你想要什么？马修:我只想要你告诉我你为我感到骄傲，你是爱我的。（马特的情绪有点激动，他的声音在颤抖。）艾米丽:请站上三角形的第二个顶点。现在你是你的父亲戴维。现在你有何感触？你想让你的儿子马特明白什么？马修(以父亲的口吻)：马特，我做了作为父亲我能做的一切。我想给你最好的一切。我批评你是因为想让你做的更好。我想你做的更好才能考入一个好大学。我不想你跟我一样成为蓝领工人。我知道水管工这个工作对社会非常重要，但我为此感到惭愧。这关乎我的社会地位。做一名水管工没什么不对，但是我知道自己本可以做更体面的工作的。我只是没有尽力。那就是我失望的原因。只是安于现状——并没有尽我所能。很不幸的是，我母亲老爱批评我，所以我脾气暴躁。在她面前我从未觉得自己很优秀。我很抱歉自己那样虐待你妈妈。我很惭愧但我抑制不住自己的情绪。我只是想要发泄出自己的愤怒和痛苦。我爱你，我想要你做到最好。我陷在自己的伤痛之中不知如何解脱。我很抱歉自己对你做的一切。（在站在自己父亲的立场上思考后，马特情绪有些激动。）艾米丽:现在做回你自己。既然你已经站在父亲的立场上重新思考过你们的关系，那么你想跟你父亲说些什么呢？马修:天呐！我从来都不知道原来你也承受着这么多的痛苦。我爱你！（马特有些抽泣了，他内心里感受到了父亲的伤痛。）艾米丽:现在像奥普拉那样，站在这个三角形的第三个顶点，作为一个中62 间人来观察一下。马特和戴维之间会怎么样呢？马修：马特的过去带给了他太多的伤害。他没有自我意识，缺乏自信，他把这些都归咎于自己的父亲。而戴维的过去也给他带来了很多伤痛，因此他才会对马特的母亲施以暴打和谩骂。马特吸收了家庭生活中的负面能量，以为这都是自己的错，自己是他们的负担，所以他们才会动粗。艾米丽：现在请站在中间者的立场。从内心情感的高度上讲，要怎么做才能改善马特和戴维之间的关系呢马修：（从情感层面上说）马特和戴维需要彼此的谅解。戴维如此深陷在过去的伤痛中，他不知如何才能表现出自己作为父亲慈爱的一面。他只是在重复自己曾经所经历的方式，对孩子施以家庭冷暴力。他们还是爱着彼此的⋯⋯他们只是需要原谅彼此。马特需要忘掉过去，宽容父亲。他的父亲不会做出改变但马特可以，他可以换一种角度看待父亲的感情和行为方式。他需要同情自己父亲的不幸经历。这一阶段治疗后的任务是给父亲写一封永不会寄出去的原谅信。如果感觉自己已经释怀，那就可以把这封信扔到壁炉里烧掉或是撕掉。这封信会消除他剩余的负面情绪。既然马特已经开始同情父亲了，那么下一次见面时，他应该不会再感到恐惧了。这一切给我们的教训是，我们都是“受害者的受害者”。当我们开始理解自己的父母（或者其他曾带给我们伤害的人）的经历时，我们对待他们的看法会发生改变。宽容会带给我们怜悯之心，这反过来会促进我们的成长。如果你紧抓住伤痛和仇恨不放手，受伤的是你自己，而不是别人。每一种处境或每一段经历都本无积极或消极之分，除非你自认为如此。那么现在你可以站在他人的角度上客观地看待问题——找出他们这样做的原因。这会让你不受自己的情感束缚。我们继续下一阶段的治疗。63 艾米丽：马特，上一次我们采用三角形练习法之后你能理解和原谅你的父亲了。如今哪天你想起过父亲？你有什么感触？马特：现在我和父亲相处得很好。经过多年的治疗，我找到了自己的问题所在。我克服了自己的沮丧心理，让负面情绪不再有机可乘。现在完全没有那种“啊，受不了”的感觉了。64'