《人若如此优秀，单身却为何故》（第十章）翻译项目报告.pdf

'－．、、、．．‘‘‘．＇ｔＩ．．．＇？．－－－－？：、心与，，与，，，与，Ｖ－．、、节料节．心Ｖ、六Ｖ．ｖ《若Ｖ．节《若ｔＨ啼、茜一；幾攻请々巧豁；辨—？．、．＇，、＇．‘．：‘、＇、＇、＾麻、．泌贵，冷巧巧式尽心、一＇－、＇－疗．一、—－．？：咕＇Ｉ－＇一．：＇＞＇：；、－：：ｒ．只、巧苗山；＾中＇‘．、．—‘＇．．气；ｒｘ７－＇、．，：Ｊ－、、＇，、？．’．心，’－心１－一＇；，、、＇备．．＾令．＾：，，二巧二巧译专业学化颗女论文；ｉ六；气－一—？‘：‘＇－一－一Ｊ－．．＼？之Ａ．裹署ｆ《我务化化《，单身舞＆辉Ａ？》为、寶谓＇■’’’’‘＇＇’－‘？－－？？’？．、分’－．、、．、？备袜．、？－？一？－心、’－：／占－帝辭豁手章．；谁１；：站屋；—．為霞，逵：讀鼓主心、．ｉ，＇＇＇琴Ｉｎ＃Ｔ巧８旅告一．戸、‘－＇々為女．节＇句每＇作―＇＇－一．＇一，，－．一＾—祭．■一一去．？＾。三—一．‘：六－－＇—，乃＇；乂：：麟．＇．．蓄片乃里肤如＼．如．．ｖ．一－资品贊＇？ｒ．、—－知Ａ，一一、．＞、、一ｒ、．－．乂Ｖ心？一一一、’、‘‘＇丫中…？：：—１：＇巧．‘．一－。－．＇＇．公啤之這ｖｒ贵．廷吊．３导肺ｇ獲培审：指教译节若ｆ＇．’ｉ；ｒ运／若＞分．；．．－．．．Ｖ，分家祭’‘．＞＊：巧丈Ｖ专化《巧？译於户Ｖ咬弟一拍＇－＾＾ｒ：／：Ｖ，：：：：Ｘ，■＇．又．、：＇：．，，一．二．Ｕ．；；；；；诚巧户：—；．＇’訂＇心：？：．：Ｉ－尚ｉ．．巧究＊巧笔译：蒂散方向巧端心繳：一．．．．，－产击＞－：．普；嘴叫殺苗－、兴巧巧武皂二：０１６．章！是文？交椅间２年４月。论；—．－人一一义＿逆占心乂成？一二心：：；．＜每：其：，终：论义巧辩巧间全ｊｊ羣這．里－■＇－胃－护一？＇？？，，、？户广一＾奶＊？奶一？－＇＊．．占一一、＊心－＾Ｖ＇、＊．．＿：．，＊？＇．’古．－謀讓嫌满托．片访；、古Ｗ＊■——？＇如：■－：心．．／賓．：．．，．媒Ｉ祭汽截｝Ｖ．＇＇祷＃‘乂‘．＇？＾一一心山作－井起＇公透敏：。：一敏心声／兴－：Ｖ至、．．＂一、＇：．－＊＇，二．片壯－心－■蘇苗為ｒ■卢扣：戶ｉ八４＇減游一祭戶令‘’一．＇＇．．戶．＇二＞心＇‘：；禱冷而＾絲冷鶴ｔ：鶴ＩＦ祥故Ｔｒ’—．八，？＊．．），公、六备呑苗巧气巧＇＼：旋建女Ｙ懸巧早Ｖｌ＇＇、‘、－．’＇＇＇ｒ＇’■．记．寺．、＇－＇；Ｖ、．．Ｖ沁＾；；屯．巧品其．．，；＇．：辨．．■■一－？－Ｔ■．吹＊，，产；＜Ｔ？，Ｃ．．．Ｖ一‘，Ｖ／＾．Ｊ、产？ＪＩ八－．．＊．－＇．＇Ｖ？－二．．－＇：心．．．满：；Ｓ；ｖ户：公、＇１火＇：＇；—八．？．＂＊．：．．．＇蟲‘．．＞说裤＞．乃錫：：哥＞．韋為？邀知猶馨鄉班總務咕边？人．．－＇作媒：．譜：１ｆ：．痴苦篆＇－懿Ａ＂＊Ｖ巧＇．、＇－＇？，‘．、冷＂冉＇、－知．？－．知－名、占占’：．．卒為＾命二、：＂护方々，：皆＊７（六女Ｗ之＼’＾‘处’－’－．九‘‘—－？．户＼‘：．、－三一帝猎．、错與／Ｊ成齋判 SichuanInternationalStudiesUniversityATranslationProjectReportofIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?(ChapterTen)ByWanLipengAthesissubmittedtotheGraduateSchoolinpartialfulfillmentoftherequirementsforthedegreeofMasterofTranslationandInterpretingunderthesupervisionofSeniorTranslatorWeiDaopeiChongqing,P.R.ChinaMay2016 学位论文独创性声明本人声明所呈交的学位论文是本人在导师指导下进行的研究工作及取得的研究成果，除了文中特别加Ｗ标注和致谢的地方外，论文中不。据我所知包含其他人已经发表或撰写过的研究成果，也不包含为获得四川外国语大一＾或其他教育机构的学位或证书而使用过的材料。与我同工作的同志对本研究所做的任何贡献均已在论文中作了明确的说明并表示谢意。）＾＾曰／学位论文作者签名；闲！签字曰期：兴年月学位论文版权使用授权书本学位论文作者完全了解四川外国语大学有关保留、使用学位论文的规定，有权保留并向国家有关部口或机构送交论文的复印件和电子版，允许论文被查阅和借阅。本人授权四川外国语大学可将学位论文的全，可Ｗ采用影印部或部分内容编入有关数据库进行检索、缩印或扫描等复制手段保存。、汇编学位论文（保密的学位论文在解密后适用本授权书）：学位论文作者签名：导师签名签字曰期：如／居年知＾曰签字曰期：兴年月＾曰学位论文作者毕业后去向；杏如工作单位：：电话通讯地址：：邮编ｉｉ， 《我若如此优秀，单身却为何故？》（第十章）翻译报告摘要本文是一篇翻译报告，翻译项目原文摘自苏珊·佩吉（SusanPage）所著《我若如此优秀，单身却为何故？》（IfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?）一书中的第十章。作者从自我意识、自爱、自尊及自我接纳等方面客观分析了单身问题。同时从社会心理和社交角度提出相应的解决策略。文本类型属于信息类文本，译者以目的论为依托，将翻译实践与经典实例相结合。遵从目的论三原则：目的原则、连贯原则和忠实原则。此外，译者运用相应的翻译策略，以期达到翻译目标。笔者在面对长句翻译时也采用相应的翻译技巧，如顺译、倒装、分译和增译，以便为之后信息类文本的翻译提供参考。本报告包含五部分。第一部分简要介绍本翻译项目，第二部分介绍原文作者并对原文进行分析，第三部分是报告中用到的翻译理论，介绍了目的论的主要原则及其应用，第四部分是本报告的主要内容，研究翻译过程中遇到的翻译难题及解决方法，第五部分为总结，梳理本次翻译实践的经验教训并提出本翻译报告的局限性。关键词：单身；信息类文本；目的论；翻译技巧；长句翻译iii ATranslationProjectReportonIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?(ChapterTen)AbstractThisisatranslationreport.Thesourcetextofthisprojectisthe10thchapterofIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?writtenbySusanPage.Inthischapter,theauthorobjectivelyanalyzestheissueofthesinglefromtheperspectivesofself-awareness,self-love,self-esteem,self-acceptance,etc.Besides,theauthoralsoprovidesrelatedstrategiesonsocialpsychologyandsocialcommunication.ThetypeofthetextisinformativeandthetranslatorcombinestranslationexperiencesandtypicalexamplesfromthetheoreticalperspectiveofSkoposTheorycomposedofthreebasicrules,whichincludetheSkoposrule,thecoherenceruleandthefidelityrule.Furthermore,thetranslatoradoptspropertranslationstrategiessoastoreachagoal.Inthisreport,translationtechniques,suchassequentialtranslation,inversion,divisionandaddition,areadoptedforthetranslationoflongsentences,sothatthetranslatorisaimingatprovidingsomereferencestothetranslationofinformativetexts.Thereportcanbedividedintofivepartsasfollows:Partoneisabriefintroductiontothetranslationproject.Parttwoisaboutthesourcetext,includinganintroductiontotheauthorandtheanalysisofthesourcetext.PartthreeintroducesthebasicrulesoftheSkopostheoryanddescribestheapplicationofSkopostheoryinthisreport.Partfourisabouttheencounteredtranslationdifficultiesandsolutions.Thelastpartservesasaconclusionofthereport,statingsomelessons,experiencesandlimitationsofthereport.Keywords:single;informativetext;SkoposTheory;translationtechniques;translatinglongsentencesiv AcknowledgementsThanksgototheSichuanInternationalStudiesUniversityforacceptingmyproposalandtheprojectreportinacourageousway.Firstandforemost,Iwouldliketoshowmydeepestgratitudetomyacademicsupervisor,WeiDaopei,arespectable,responsibleandresourcefulprofessorinSouthwestUniversity,whohasprovidedmewithvaluableguidanceineverystageofmypaperwriting.Withouthisenlighteninginstructionandimpressivepatience,Icouldnothavecompletedmytranslationandthesis.Hiskeenandvigorousacademicobservationenlightensmenotonlyinthisthesis,butalsomyfuturestudy.Thankstoallhiskindnessandhelp,Ihavebenefitedalotandimprovedmyselfgreatly.Iamalsoverygratefultomyclassmates,whosecarefulandmicroscopicscrutinyofthemanuscriptresultedintheeliminationofmanyinconsistencies.Lastbutnottheleast,bigthanksgotomyfamilywhohavealwayssupportedmewithloveandconsiderationthroughoutthecomposingofmythesis.v Contents摘要…………………………………………………………………………..……iiAbstract…………………………………………………………………………....…iiiAcknowledgements…………………………………………………………………ivChapterOneGeneralIntroductiontotheProject………………….…….....…11.1IntroductiontotheProject………………………………………………........11.2TargetsoftheProject……………………………………………………........11.3SignificanceoftheProject…………………………………………21.4StructureoftheProject…………………………………………….………….2ChapterTwoTheSourceTextoftheProject…………………………………...42.1Introductiontotheauthor…………………………………………….…..42.2IntroductiontotheSourceText………………………………………….....42.3TextualAnalysisandLinguisticFeaturesoftheSourceText….…….....…5ChapterThreeSkoposTheoryinTranslationStudies…………………..…….73.1SkoposTheoryandItsThreeBasicRules……………………………….73.2ApplicationofSkoposTheoryintheProject.…………………...........8ChapterFourDifficultiesinTranslatingandCorrespondingSolutions……....104.1DifficultiesEncounteredintheTranslationProcess…………..………..104.2TranslationofProperNouns……………………………....…………............104.2.1AdoptingEstablishedTranslations………………....…………....114.2.2CreatingNewTranslations………………………....…………...........134.3TranslationofLongSentences……………………....…………....................144.3.1SequentialTranslation……………………....…………......................154.3.2Inversion…………………………….…........….…........….…......164.3.3Division…………………………….…........….…........….….......174.3.4Addition…………………………….…........….…........….…..........18ChapterFiveConclusions…………………………….…........….…........….…..205.1FindingsoftheTranslationReport………………....…………....…....20vi 5.2DeficienciesandExpectationsoftheTranslationReport……....…......20WorksCited……………………………….……….………..….………............22AppendixISourceText..……….……….………..….………............……...........23AppendixII中文译文………………….……...….……..….……...........48vii ChapterOneGeneralIntroductiontotheProjectThischapteristobrieflyintroducethetargets,significance,andthestructureofthewholereport.1.1IntroductiontotheProjectThesourcetextofthistranslationprojectisthetenthchapterofIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?,anon-fictionalbookwrittenbySusanPage,anAmericanwriter.ItwaspublishedbyRosettaBooksinSeptember2013,andthereisnoChinesetranslation.Thetextmainlydealswith“LeftoverWomen”,aimingtoprotectthemfrombeingsingle.Filledwithanecdotes,casestudiesandquizzes,thebook’sdown-to-earthguidancewillappealeveryonewhowantsafulfillingintimaterelationship.Thebookcontainstwelvechapters,eachdealingwithatypicalissueconcerningthesingle.Forthetenthchapter,theauthoranalysesthecauseofbeingleftoverandprovidesfivesteps,suchasself-awareness,self-love,change,self-esteemandself-acceptance,tostrengthenself-awarenessandself-esteem.Inaddition,thewriterofthistranslationreportshouldberesponsibleforthetranslationwork.Toaccomplishtheproject,alotofworkneedstobedone,includingtheunderstandingofthetext,somepsychologywordstranslation,translationprocessandproofreading,whichextendsoveraperiodofthreemonths.Besides,toguaranteethereadabilityofthearticle,propertranslationtechniquesneedtobeadopted.1.2TargetsoftheProjectThefollowingtargetsaresupposedtobeachievedincompletingtheprojectoftranslatingthetenthchapterofIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?Nowadays,manypeople,especiallywomen,aresingle.Ithasbecomeanormal1 phenomenon.However,theycan’trealizethecauseofbeingsingle.Thisbookmainlydealswiththe“LeftoverWomen”.ItstranslationissupposedtobeavaluableinformativetextforthoseChinesereaders.Itnotonlyprovidesrelevantinformationforthesufferer,butalsoausefulresourceforprofessionalswhoseacademicfocusisonhumanpsychology,thus,areadableandaccuratetranslationisrequired.Secondly,toensurethereadabilityandaccuracy,theauthorshouldgraspthestyle,purpose,contentandmainideaofthesourcetextbeforetranslating,andtranslationtechniquesareadoptedintheprocessoftranslating.Also,translationtheoriessuchasSkoposTheoryareappliedtodescribethetranslationofspecificsentencesfromtheproject.Inall,thetranslatorneedstotransfertheideasofthesourcetexttoreaderscompletely.1.3SignificanceoftheProjectRecently,“Leftoverwomen”hasbecomeaserioussocialphenomenoninChina.Moreandmorepeoplechoosetobesingle,whichcanleadtosocialinstabilityandagingofthepopulationduetotheimbalancedpopulation.Furthermore,Peoplewhoaresinglemaysufferfromillnesssuchasdepression,anxietyandobsession,sincetheycan’trealizethetruecauseoftheproblem.Itisdifficultforthemtodealwithsuchproblemsinarightattitude.SusanPage,analysesthephenomenoninherbook,andoffersstrategiesforreaderstobetterself-understandingandgainingafulfillingrelationship.Thistextoffersintelligent,practicalandengagingguidancetosingleslookingtoimprovetheirromanticrelationships.Americanreaderscandrawlessonsfromthisbook.However,thereisnoChineseversionsofar,thusthetranslationprojectcanbeveryusefulforChinesereaders,andafluentandreadabletextisneeded.1.4StructureoftheProjectThereportconsistsoffivechapters.Thefirstchapterisintroduction.Itincludes2 theintroduction,targets,significanceoftheproject,whichprovidesusageneralknowledgeoftheprojectanditsreport.Forthesecondpart,itisanintroductiontothesourcetextoftheproject,whichdescribestheauthorandlinguisticfeatures.Thenitcomestothethirdpart,thethreerulesofSkoposTheoryanditsapplicationinthisproject.Chapterfouraddressesthedifficultiesencounteredintranslationprocess,namelythetranslationofpropernounsandlongsentences,andthetranslatorrepresentssomeremedieswithspecificexamples.Thefifthchapteristheconclusionpart.Itbringsaconclusiontothereportbysummarizingthefindingsofthetranslationproject,includingthedeficienciesthatneedtobepaidattentionto.3 ChapterTwoTheSourceTextoftheProjectThischapterdescribesthebackgroundofthesourcetext,includingitsauthor,maincontentandlinguisticfeatures.2.1IntroductiontotheAuthorIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?iswrittenbySusanPage,anAmericanwriter.Shehasbeenconductingworkshopsforbothsinglesandcouples,nationallyandinternationallysince1980.ShehaskeynoteddozensofrelationshipconventionsandwasinvitedtosharetheplatformwithJohnGrayathisrecentMasonicAuditoriumeventinSanFrancisco.Herinternationalspeakingandmediacareerhastakenhertotwenty-sixstates,Canada,Korea,Australia,andMexico.SheisapastchapterpresidentoftheNationalSpeakersAssociation.Moreover,asaveteranofnationaltelevisionandradio,SusanPagehasappearedontheOprahWinfreyShow,GoodMorningAmerica,CNN,NPR,Donahue,Geraldo,Leeza,MontelWilliams,SonyaLive,TheDianeRehmShowplusdozensofotherradioandTVshowsacrossthecountry.ExcerptsofSusan"sworkshaveappearedorbeenreviewedinPeopleMagazine,USAToday,Cosmopolitan,Redbook,Glamour,Self,NewWoman,McCall"s,Woman,Marriageandscoresofotherpublications.Inall,theauthorhasrichexperienceinresearchcasesonsingles.Thus,shecananalyzesthetextwithexamplesandclearevidences.2.2IntroductiontotheSourceTextItisofgreatsignificancetointroducethebookasawhole,becausethetexttobetranslatedisthetenthchapterofIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?,whichiswrittenbyanexperiencedwriterwhohasbeenconductingworkshopsforbothsinglesandcouples,nationallyandinternationallysince1980.Inthisclassic,SusanPage4 sweepsasideallthepopularexcusesfornotbeingabletofindamateandzerosinontherealreasonsmostinvoluntarysinglesremainsingle:ambivalence,pseudohighstandards,"BTN"relationships(betterthannothing),andthe"intimacygap."Pagewasoneofthefirsttoidentify"commitmentphobia,"andherguidetoconfrontingitremainsthedefiningstandard.Thesourcetextofthetranslationprojectisthetenthchapterofthebook,inwhichtheauthorputforwardcertainissuesconcerningherselfandherfriends,suchasherinappropriatesmileinpublic.Also,sheemphasestheimportanceofincreasingself-awarenessandself-esteemandlistsfivesteps—self-awareness,self-love,change,self-esteemandself-acceptance,aimingtoshowushowtodevelopasuccessfulrelationshipwiththepersonyoulove.Thesourcetextcontainsabout10,000wordsandthetranslationincludesaslightlyover13,000Chinesecharacters.2.3TextualAnalysisandLinguisticFeaturesoftheSourceTextAccordingtoReiss,therearethreekindsoftexttypes,namelyinformative,expressiveandoperative,andReisssummarizesthemaincharacteristicsoftheinformativetexttypeas“plaincommunicationoffacts,creativecompositionandinducingbehavioralresponses”(Reiss,pp.108-109),whilethecontentofthetextismainlyfocusonthecommunication.Thisbookismainlyforsingleswhotendtofindthereason.Throughreadingthetenthchapterofthebook,wecanfindthatitstypeismainlyinformative,becauseinthetexttheauthorprovidesmuchinformationaboutthephenomenonandofferssomestrategies,whichcanbereferredfromthefollowingexample:Example1:Somepeoplearesinglebecausetheymakemistakesinrunningtheirlovelives:TheygiveintoambivalenceorlowertheirstandardsorstayinaBTNrelationshiptoolong.Butotherpeoplearealonebecausetheyaren’tverygoodlovepartners.Theymaybetooself-centeredortoodomineeringortoodepressive.Somepeoplearecoldandunlovingorverytiedtotheirparentsor5 reclusive.Manypeoplethesedaysarenarcissisticandcan’tenlargetheirworldenoughtoincludethewelfareofanotherhumanbeing.Thesepeoplemaythinktheyarewonderful,butfromthepointofviewofanotherperson,theyaren’t.有些人单身，其缘由是在维系爱情关系时总是犯错：他们要么屈从于矛盾心理，要么低眼看人或纠结于“好人难觅，有比无好”这样的错误理念。然而，某些人单身，其原因是自身原本条件欠佳，却自以为是，性格倔强，情绪压抑。这种人冷酷无情，缺乏爱心，不孝父母，性格孤僻。然而这些人却至今自我感觉良好，内心空虚，却容不下别人。他们自以为是，却被人嗤之以鼻。Aswecansee,thesourcetextreflectsthesocialphenomenonandofferssomesuggestions,itishighlyinformativeforbeingplain,stronglylogicalandcontent-focused,anditslanguageiseasytounderstand.Inaddition,thetextisobjectivewithouttheauthor’spersonalemotions.Moreover,forthetextconcernstheissueofself-awareness,itcontainscertainpropernounsonsocialpsychologysuchasself-love（自爱）,self-acceptance（自我接纳）,activeself（主动自我）,observingself（观察自我）etc.6 ChapterThreeSkoposTheoryinTranslationStudiesThischapterintroducesthebasicrulesoftheSkopostheoryanddescribestheapplicationofSkopostheoryinthisreport.3.1SkoposTheoryandItsThreeBasicRulesSkoposisaGreekword,whosemeaningis‘aim’and‘purpose’.Inthe1970s,itwasintroducedintotranslationtheorybyHansJ.Vermeerasatechnicaltermforthepurposeofatranslationandoftheactionoftranslating.Skopostheorydeterminesthetranslationmethodsandstrategiesthataretobeemployedinordertoproduceafunctionallyadequateresult.Therefore,“inskopostheory,knowingwhyaST(sourcetext)istobetranslatedandwhatthefunctionoftheTT(targettext)willbearecrucialforthetranslator”(Munday,2009,p.79).ReissandVermeeraimforageneraltranslationtheoryforalltextsintheirbook,thebasicunderlying‘rules’ofthetheory(ReissandVermeer,1984,p.119)areasfollows:(1)Atranslatum(orTT)isdeterminedbyitsskopos.(2)ATTisanofferofinformation(informationsangebot)inatargetcultureandTLconcerninganofferofinformationinasourcecultureandSL.(3)ATTdoesnotinitiateanofferofinformationinaclearlyreversibleway.(4)ATTmustbeinternallycoherent.(5)ATTmustbecoherentwiththeST.(6)Thefiverulesabovestandinhierarchicalorder,withtheskoposrulepredominating.WhentheSTandTTarerelatedtotheirfunctionintheirrespectivelinguisticand7 culturalcontexts,rule2isimportant.Rule3mainlyfocusonthedifferentfunctionoftranslatumbetweentargetcultureandsourceculture.Rules4and5concentrateonthesuccessoftheactionandinformationtransfer:thecoherenceruleisinternaltextualcoherencetosomeextent,andthefidelityruleisalmostthesametotheinter-textualcoherencewiththeoriginaltext.ThecoherencerulestatesthattheTT‘mustbeinterpretableascoherentwiththeTTreceiver’ssituation’(ReissandVermeer,1984,p.113).Inotherwords,theTTmustbetranslatedinawaythatitisalsoreadablefortheTTreceiverswithdifferentcircumstancesandknowledge.Thatis,tomakethetexteasy-to-understandandmeaningful,thetranslatorneedstopickupinterestinginformationaccordingtothepurposeofthetranslation,andthenchooseappropriatestrategiestomakeiteasierforthetargetreaderstograspthepoint.ThefidelityrulerefersthatthecoherenceisthekeyissuebetweentheTTandtheST,whichmeansthatnotonlytheSTinformationreceivedbythetranslator,butalsotheinterpretationmadebythetranslatorsandtheinformationthatistranslatedshouldallrespecttherule.AccordingtoVermeer,onemusttranslateconsciouslyandconsistentlyinaccordancewithsomeprinciplesrespectingthetargettext(Vermeer,1989/2004,p.234).Oneoftheadvantagesofskopostheoryisthatthesourcetextcanbetranslatedindifferentwaysaccordingtothedifferentpurposeofthetargettext.3.2ApplicationofSkoposTheoryintheProjectSocialpsychologybelongstosocialsciences.ThesourcetextisderivedfromthebookIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?,whichisfocusonthesocialphenomenon—Leftoverwomen.Ithasfollowingcharacteristics,suchaspopularityandinteresting.Also,theutilizationoffirst-personvoiceinthisbookmakesitdifferentfromotherkindsofscientificbooks.Aswecansee,thephenomenonreflectedinthebookhasbecomeaseriousissueinmodernChina.AlthoughtheauthorofthebookjustanalysestheconditioninAmerica,itprovidesopportunitiesfor8 Chinesepeopletoabsorbgoodskillsfromherbooks.Thestrategiesinthisbookcanhighlyimprovepeople’sawarenessandsocialcommunication,aswellasmaintainingthesocialstabilityandharmony.Thus,itistotallyinconformitywiththeSkoposTheory.Firstly,thetextshallcomplywiththeskoposrule.Theskoposofthistranslationprojectistohelpthosepeoplewhoarestillsingletoenhancetheirself-awarenessandself-esteem.Andtomeettherequirement,thetranslatormustclearlyunderstandthetextandtranslatethepropernounsaccurately.Moreover,thestyleoftheTTshouldbetranslatedinaninterestingandhumorouswaytoattracttheattentionoftargetreaders.Asstatedbefore,thesourcetextofthistranslationprojectismainlyinformative.sothetranslationshouldfocusonthecontent.However,manylongsentencesandpropernounsinthesourcetextmakeitdifficultfortargetreaderstounderstand.Inordertomakesense,thesourcetextneedtobetranslatedundertheguidanceofthecoherencerule,andthetranslatorshouldtaketheircircumstancesandknowledgeintoconsideration,andusesometranslationtechniquestomakeitreadableforTTreceivers.Undertheinstructionofthefidelityrule,theTTshouldfullytransferthemeaningandpurposeoftheST,butitisworthnoticingthatthefidelityisdifferentfrom‘equivalence’.Moreover,thesequenceofsomesentencesintheTTandSTshallbethesame,andsequentialtranslationcanbeadoptedtohelpthetargetreaderstounderstandthemeaningofthesentences.Forpropernouns,translatorscantakenewtranslationstrategiesaccordingtotheirunderstandingofthesourcetext,sothatthereaderscanfullyunderstand.Inall,anadequatetranslationneedsnotonlytheinstructionoftheory,butalsothetranslators’strongcapabilityinfinding,analyzingandsolvingissues.9 ChapterFourDifficultiesinTranslatingandCorrespondingSolutionsThischaptermainlyconsistsofthedifficultiesencounteredinthetranslationprocessandrelatedtranslationtechniquesbeingappliedinthisreport.4.1DifficultiesEncounteredintheTranslationProcessThereexisttwokindsofdifficultiesinthetranslationprocess.Oneisthetranslationofpropernouns,includingnamesofpeople,organizations,psychology,andabbreviationsaswell.Thepropernounsshowupthroughouttheessay,andpreciselytranslationisneeded.SothetranslatormustrefertothedictionariesorsearchesthemontheInternetbeforetranslation.Especiallyforthepsychologynouns,thetranslatorshouldfullyunderstandthewholetextanditsbackgroundinordertofindthepropermeaningofthem.Theotherdifficultyisthetranslationoflongsentences.ManysentencesintheSTaredisorderedandrepeated.Translatorneedstoanalyzethetextfirsttofindtheinnertruemeaningandlinks,andthenreorganizedthetargettest.MoreattentionshouldbepaidtothecoherenceoftheTT.4.2TranslationofProperNounsAsweallknow,propernounsreferstothepsychologicaltermsandnamesofpeople,organizationsandabbreviations,theconceptsofwhichrangesfromsciencetolife,orwecansay,coveringallareas.ForthethreerulesofSkoposTheory,theskoposrulecomesfirst.Seeingthatsomepropernounsarenotveryfamiliartothetargetreaders,whichmayhighlyaffectsthespreadingoftheinformation,thusaccuratelyandpreciselytranslatingthepropernounsisvitaltothetranslator,andtwo10 methodsareadoptedtotranslatethepropernouns.4.2.1AdoptingEstablishedTranslationsIntheContrastiveStudiesonEnglishandChinese(LianShuneng,2006),Lianutilizedsevenmethodstotranslatingpropernounsandtechnicalterms.OneistocomplywiththeestablishedtranslationsinthatcorrespondingChinesetranslationsarefamiliartoChinesereadersandcreatingnewtranslationsmayconfusesChinesereaders.So,whendealingwiththepropernounsdifficulttounderstand,thetranslatorwilladoptsestablishedtranslationsaccordingtothefidelityrule.Example2:Iliketousethemetaphorofwesternfist-fightingversusmartialarts.Inwesterns,whenGusaimedhisfistatJoe,Joeputhisownarmuptoblocktheblow.Theimpactonhisarmhurt.ThenJoewouldhitback.GuswouldblockJoe’sfist,andthefightwouldescalate.IfJoewereusingmartialarts,however,Guswouldpunch,andJoe,ratherthanresistingtheattack,wouldgrabGus’sfistandjustkeeppullingitinthedirectionitwasmovinganyway.Hewouldpullthefist,pullGusoffbalance,andpossiblyevenfliphimoverontohisback.Therewouldbeaminimumofinjury,andthefightwouldbeover.就拿西方拳击与武术来做比较吧。在西方，古斯挥舞着拳头冲向乔，乔抬起胳膊抵挡。胳膊受到重创。然后乔予以回击。古斯同样抬起手臂阻挡，冲突随之升级。然而，若乔运用武术的策略，古斯击向他时，乔非但不阻挡，反而抓住其拳头并顺势向拳击方向一拉。古斯就失去了平衡，很可能还翻倒在地。造成了最小的伤害同时，冲突也得以制止。Example3:InAldousHuxley’svisionofUtopia,describedinhisbookIsland,magpiesareconstantlyflyingabouttheislandcryingout,“Attention.Attention,”simplyremindingeveryonetowakeupandbefullyalive,andnottomissanything.阿道司·赫胥黎的小说《岛》中描绘了美好的乌托邦愿景，喜鹊不断地飞过小岛，大叫着：“注意了”就是为了告诫人们保持清醒和活力，不要忽视身边巨细。11 Asindicatedinexample2andexample3,thenamesandsomenounsaretranslatedinaccordancewiththeirestablishedtranslations,namelyAldousHuxley,Gus,Joe,westernfist-fightingandmartialarts.Also,inordertoidentifythebook’sname‘Island’andwriter’sname‘AldousHuxley’,thetranslatorreferstoonlinematerialsandfindsthatifheisanordinarypeople,itcanbetransliteratedas“赫克斯利”,however,thefamousevolutionist’snameThomasHenryHuxleyhasbeentranslatedas“托马斯·亨利·赫胥黎”accordingtoconventionalrules,thus,thename‘AldousHuxley’and‘island’canbetranslatedas“岛”and“阿道司·赫胥黎”.Forthenamesofpeople,thetranslatoradoptstheirestablishedtranslations.whiletranslatingthewords‘fist-fighting’and‘martialarts’,thetranslatoranalyzethetextandputthemintothecontext,thenfindsthepropertranslationofthem.Sothatthetargetreaderswillnotbeconfusedandthepurposeofaccuratelytransmittingtheknowledgeisachieved.Example4:Self-awareness,self-love,self-esteem,self-acceptance,self-judgments,self-centered自我意识、自爱、自尊、自我接纳、自我评判、自我为中心Inthisexample,wecanfindthatallthesepropernounshavethesameprefix“self-”，whichhasthesamemeaningwithChinese“自我”.Andthiscanbedescribedasanestablishedtranslation.Example5:SupposeyouareaworkaholicoraconversationhogorashypersonoraBTNjunkieoryouhaveidentifiedanyotherbehavioryouwouldliketochange.Thestepstochangingself-defeatinghabitsarethese:试想，你若是工作狂、话匣子、害羞的人，抱着“好人难觅，有比无好”的想法，或有其他想要改变的行为。以下步骤有利于你改变自我挫败的习惯：12 Inthesourcetextexample5,thewords“workaholic”,“conversationhog”aretranslatedas“工作狂”、“话匣子”.Wecaneasilyunderstandtheformer,butforthe“conversationhog”,somepeoplefeelconfused.Throughtheinternet,Ifindthemeaningof“hog”,whichis“贪婪的人”inChinese.Forthe“conversation”refersto“谈话”,wecanfindthemeaningofthe“conversationhog”as“喜欢谈话的人”,thatis“话匣子”.4.2.2CreatingNewTranslationsItmayoccurthatthereisnoestablishedtranslationforpropernouns,thetranslatorneedstocreatenewtranslationsallbyhimself.Inthistranslationreport,therearecertainpropernounswithoutestablishedtranslation,thus,newtranslationsneedstobecreatedforthepropernouns.Example6:Imaginethateachofushastwoselves,theactiveselfandtheobservingself.Theactiveselfistheonethateatsbreakfast,takesthekidstoschool,goestowork,makesdecisions,hasdinnerwithafriend,callsMom,runsoutofmoney,losesweight,gainsitback,caresaboutpolitics,getsanxious,argues,makeslove,hashealthproblems,reactstothings.Whiletheactiveselfisbusydoingallthesethings,theobservingselfisstandingsomedistanceawaywatching,muchasanaudiencewatchesaplay.Theactiveselfisquiteinvolvedwithwhateverisoccurringatthemoment.Theobservingselfseesthepresentactivityasonesceneinamuchlargerdrama.每个人都有两个自我，即主动自我和观察自我。主动自我负责吃早餐、送孩子上学、去上班、做决定、与朋友吃饭，给妈妈打电话，花钱，减肥，体重反弹，关心政治，变得焦虑，与人争执、做爱、提出健康问题和作出回应。当主动自我忙着做这些事时，观察自我远远观察着，如同观众观看比赛。主动自我与正在发生的任何事都有关联。观察自我则将进行的活动视作一场戏剧。Fortheexample6,therearemainlytwowordsthatinvolvingpsychologyterms.13 Thatis,activeselfandobservingself.Throughonlineresearch,theycanbedescribedas“主观自体”and“观察者自体”fromthepsychologybooks.Ialsoconsideredtotranslatedtheminto“主观自我”and“客观自我”.However,thesewordsseemstobeunfamiliartothetargetreaders,andtheyarenotestablishedtranslations,sothetranslatorborrowedthetranslatingmethodsofestablishedtranslationandtranslatedthemas“主动自我”and“观察自我”accordingtotheanalysisofthecontext.ThiskindoftranslatingisalsoindentifiedbyLianShuneng,whoclaimsthat“directborrowingsoftheoriginalabbreviationsaremoreoftenusedthanbeforeasaresultoffrequentcross-culturalcommunications,thedevelopmentofforeignlanguageeducationinChina,theintroductionofscienceandtechnology,andtheremarkableprogressinthespreadofEnglishasinternationallanguage”(LianShuneng,2006,p.351).InorderthatthetranslatedpsychologicaltermswouldbeeasytounderstandforTTreaders,thetranslatortranslatesthemintosimilartermsorcreatesnewterms,sothattargetreaderscanfullyunderstandthetext.4.3TranslationofLongSentencesEnglishsentencesaregenerallylongerthanChineseonesinthatitisfeaturedwithitssubordination.Manylongsentencesarecharacterizedbyfrequentuseofsomeinflectionsandagreatvarietyofconnectives,suchasprepositions,prepositionalphrases,conjunctions,relativepronouns,relativeadverbs,whichareenrichedbytheverbals(participles,gerundsandinfinitives).Alloftheseaboveexiststoconnectonepartwithanothergrammaticallyandlogically.LongerEnglishsentencesareorganizedmainlyinanarchitecturalstylewithcompletegrammaticalstructure,whileChineseonestendtobeshortandlooser.(LianShuneng,1993,pp.64-65).Therefore,whentranslatingthelongsentences,thetranslatorhastofindoutthegrammaticalrelationoftheST,andthenreorganizedthemtomeettherequirementsofChineselanguage.Indetail,itis‘findoutthebasicpattern,thesubordination,themeaningsofthewords,thegrammaticalrelations,thefocus,temporalorlogicalsequences’,and14 then‘rearrangevariouspartsaccordingtoChinesewaysofthinkingandmodesofexpression’,lastly‘revise,modifyandpolishthedraft’(LianShuneng,2006,p292).Undertheguidanceoftheabovesteps,fourmeasuresaretakentosolvetheproblems.4.3.1SequentialTranslationSequentialtranslationmeansthattranslatetheEnglishsentencesintoChineseonthebasisoftheoriginalorderoftheEnglishversion.Ingeneral,whenthecontentofEnglishlongsentencesbasicallyinaccordancewiththeChinese,sequentialtranslationseemstobeabetterchoice.Example7:Wearecomplexpsychologicalbeings.Wecarryaroundthe“souls”—oratleastthebehaviorandbeliefs—ofourparents,ourgrandparents,andwhoknowswhatotherpeoplewhoinfluencedusinourearlyyears.我们是有着复杂心理活动的生物。我们都有“灵魂”——至少有行为和信念——无论是我们父母或祖父祖母，或其他对我们孩提时产生重大影响的人。Example8:Peoplewhoelecttoremain“unconscious,”whonevermakeanyefforttoexpandtheirawareness,arenotveryfree.那些选择保持“无意识”状态，从不努力增强自我意识的人，是没有自由的。Example9:Programmingyourself—ororderingyourself—tomakeachangeisalmostalwaysdoomedtofailure.驱使自己——命令自己——去做出改变注定是失败的。Thetranslation,withitsnaturalformofexpression,demonstratesthesequentialtranslation.Example7consistsof35wordsandclearlyshowspsychologicalactivity15 byparenthesisandpostpositiveattributiveclause.WhileExample8consist19words,alsoshowsaphenomenonbytwoattributiveclauses.Example9alsoshowstheimportanceofthesequenceofthetext,whichmakesiteasiertobeunderstoodforthetargetreaders.Inall,inordertotransmitthespiritandmanneroftheST,thetranslatoradoptssequentialtranslation,andmaintainsitsoriginalorderintranslation.4.3.2InversionAsweallknow,inversionisalsoacommonpracticeinChinese-Englishtranslation.Itimpliesanecessarychangeofwordordertoconformthegoodusageinthetargetlanguage.Throughinversion,translatorcanexpressidiomaticlanguageinTT,whichprovidestheTTreceiverswithmorereadabletranslationversion.Example10:Inotherwords,theoutercircle—neuroticworkaholismorcriticalnessorguiltorgushinessorwhateveryourneurotictendenciesare—iswhatyouwouldratherexperiencethanthe“real”painthatliesunderneath.换句话说，与隐藏在外环下“真正的”痛苦相比，外环中的痛苦——神经质工作狂、挑剔、内疚、感性或是任何神经质倾向——都是你更愿意接受的。Example11:Itisimportanttorealizethatboththeactiveselfandtheobservingselfarefunctioningcontinuously.Theactiveselfdoesnotstopwhenittunesintotheobservingself.主动自我与观察自我一直在不停运转，认识到这点至关重要。当把主动自我转换到观察自我时，主动自我依然存在。Beforetranslatingthissentence,thetranslatoranalyzesthestructureandlogicoftheST,fullyunderstandingitsmeaning,andthenexpressesitinChinese.ThissentenceisdifferentfromtheExample7andExample8,ifthetranslatoralsousessequentialtranslation,thetargetreadersmayfeelconfusedaboutthemeaningand16 logicoftheoriginalinthatitdoesn’tcomplywiththeexpresshabitsofChineseculture.thus,thetranslatoradoptsreversetranslation,Example10and11arebothchangethesequenceofthesentence,theformerexamplebringsthe“与隐藏在外环下“真正的”痛苦相比”tothehead,whileExample11brings“认识到这点至关重要”totheend,makingthetextmorereadableandacceptabletothetargetreaders.4.3.3DivisionEnglishsentencesusuallyincludesubordinateclausesandmodifiers,whichrunscountertotheChinesesentencestructure.Byadoptingdivision,thetranslatorcantranslatesthesentenceintoseveralpartsorshortsentencesintranslationprocess.Example12:Otherpeoplecaneasilyseebehaviorthatissohabitualtoyouorsolong-deniedbyyouthatyouwillmissitevenwhentheypointitout.他们可轻易发现你的习惯,或长期抵制的行为，但即便他们指出，你也很容易忽视。Example13:Teenagersoftenexhibitlittleabilitytoseebeyondthemselves.They“knowitall.”Theyaresocaughtupintheirownearthshakingdramasthattheycan’tevenbroadentheirperspectiveenoughtoseetheneedsofmembersoftheirownfamilies.青少年大多能力不足，目光短浅;他们“自以为是”。整天沉溺在自己惊天动地的剧本中，不能拓宽视野顾及到家人的需求。Example14:Theactiveselfisalwaysdoingorthinkingorfeelingsomethingfortheobservingselftoobserveandtoplaceinawidercontext.它会不断地行动，思考和感受，而观察自我观察后会从更深层次分析。Example12isnotaverylongsentence,butitisnoteasytotranslate.The17 grammaticalandlogicalstructureofthissentenceisdifferentfromthatofChinese.Becausetheclause“behaviorthatissohabitualtoyouorsolong-deniedbyyou”istoolongtobeanindependentmodifierinChinese.Thetranslatordividedthesentenceintofourshortparts,whichisinaccordancewiththelanguagestyleofthetargetlanguage.ForthefirstsentenceofExample13,it’sbeensplitintotwowords:“能力不足，目光短浅”,andthelastsentenceoftheSTisalsodividedintotwopartstocomplywiththeChineselanguagestyle.ForExample14,thesourcetextisalsotranslatedintotwoparts,whichisofgreatbenefitstotransmitthemeaningandlogicoftheSTaccuratelyandclearly.4.3.4AdditionAdditionisaskillcommonlyusedintranslationpractice.Itimpliesthattheoriginalisexplainedwithsomeadditionalparts,namelyconjecture,phrases,etc.,anditstotalmeaningisnotchangedintheprocess.IthasactuallybeenemployedintheskillofextensiontopreservethemeaningoftheSTandmakeitaccuratelytransmitted.Example15:Soinordertomakeyoursurveyofthereasonsyoumaystillbesinglereallycomplete,youhavetotakearealisticlookatyourself.所以，若要彻底找出单身的缘由，需要脚踏实地，认识自我。Example16:Thesameworldweareusedtocanlookdramaticallydifferentwhenviewedthroughdifferent“spectacles,”thatis,withnewawareness.俗话说的好：“横看成岭侧成峰”。随着新的自我意识的产生，总会有新的发现。It’sevidentthattheChineseversionofExample15isalittledifferentfromthe18 Englishversion.Ingeneral,theword“realisticlookatoneself”isrefersto“认识自我”.However,thetranslatoradds“脚踏实地”tothetargettext,soastohelpthetargetreadersunderstandthewholetext.ForExample16,“横看成岭侧成峰”inChineseversionisusedtodescribethefollowingwholesentence.ItisfitfortheChinesethinkingpattern,whichwillhelptheTTreceiversgraspthemainideaandthelogicofthearticle,thusachievingabetterunderstandingofthewholetext.19 ChapterFiveConclusionsThischapteristheconclusionofthereport,includingthefindings,deficienciesandexpectations.5.1FindingsoftheTranslationReportThroughthetranslationpractice,wecandrawtheconclusionthattheapplicationoftheSkoposTheoryisofgreatbenefitfortranslatortoutilizemethodsoftranslatingandimprovethequalityofthetranslatedtext.Furthermore,fullypreparationshallbemadebeforetranslation,whichincludesthebackground,theauthor,andthecontentofthesourcetext.Then,itisofgreatimportancetoanalyzethestyleofthetextcorrectlyandfindcorrespondingmethodtotranslateit.Lastbutnottheleast,differencesbetweenEnglishandChineseshouldbepaidattentiontoduringthetranslationprocess,whichrequiresthetranslatortoacquiremoreknowledgeofthetwolanguages,sothatafluenttranslationcanbeachieved.5.2DeficienciesandExpectationsoftheTranslationReportAlthoughalotoffindingsarelearnedduringthetranslationprocess,therearestillcertaindeficienciesforthetranslatortosolveinthefuture.Firstly,thebackgroundofthephenomenoninAmericaisnotveryfamiliartothetranslator,whichmaycausesomemisunderstandingingraspingtherealmeaningofST,soitisstillalongwaytogoinfullyunderstandingthetext.Secondly,duetothelimitedexperienceintranslation,sometranslationsofthelongsentencesarenotbriefandpithy,sothetranslatorisexpectedtoimproveinthefuture.Lastbutnotleast,thisreportisonlythetenthchapterofIfI’mSoWonderful,WhyAmIStillSingle?,itisnot20 enoughforthetargetreaderstolearnthestrategiescompletely,thus,morecontentsofthebookareexpectedtobetranslatedinthefuture.21 WorksCitedMundayJ.(2009).IntroducingTranslationStudied:TheoriesandApplications.(p.79).London&NewYork:Routledge.NordChristian.(1997).TranslatingasaPurposefulActivity:FunctionalistApproachesExplained.(P.29).Manchester:StJeromePublishing.Vermeer,H.J.(1989).SkoposandCommissioninTranslationalAction.ShanghaiForeignLanguageEducationPress.ReissK.(1989).Texttypes,TranslationTypesandTranslationAssessment.Readingsintranslationtheory,105-115.OyFinnLecturaAb.ReissK,VermeerHJ.(1984).GroundworkforaGeneralTheoryoftranslation.Tubingen:Niemeyer.ShuttleworthM,CowieM.(2014).DictionaryofTranslationStudies.London&NewYork:Routledge.冯庆华.(2008).实用翻译教程.上海：上海外语教育出版社刘宓庆.(2006).文体与翻译.北京:中国对外翻译出版社廖七一.(2000).当代西方翻译理论探索.南京:译林出版社连淑能.(1993).英汉对比研究.北京：高等教育出版社连淑能.(2006).英译汉教程.北京：高等教育出版社22 AppendixISourceTextTheTenthStrategy:IncreasingYourSelf-AwarenessandSelf-EsteemCHAPTER10Onebigquestionunderliesallwehavediscussedsofarandremainsunanswered:Whyhaven’twebeenapplyingthesestrategiesallalong?Whydowelowerourtruestandardsandsettleforlessthanwewant?Whydoweconvinceourselvestherearenowaystomeetpeople?WhydowehangaroundinBTNrelationshipsformonthsonend?Whydowehavesomuchtroublesayingno?Whydoweletfearcontrolourlivessothatwecanneverletgoandsayyes?AccordingtoJewishfolklore,mostofusaredrivenbydybbukswehardlyknow.Adybbukisthesoulofadeadpersonthatentersthebodyofalivingpersonandcontrolshimorher.It’sakindofmetaphorforthereasonsweengageinself-defeatingbehavior.Wearecomplexpsychologicalbeings.Wecarryaroundthe“souls”—oratleastthebehaviorandbeliefs—ofourparents,ourgrandparents,andwhoknowswhatotherpeoplewhoinfluencedusinourearlyyears.Whenyouscoldyourchild,youhearyourmother’svoice.Whenyoucriticizeyourlover,yousoundlikeyourdadcriticizingyourmother.Dybbuks—beliefsandbehaviorofothers,nowdeeplyetchedintoourbeings.Theycontrolus.Theyareus.Theymakecorrectingapparentlysimplemistakesverydifficult.Whatsortofpersonareyou—you,whowanttobeinarelationshipwithsomeoneelse?Whatdoyouhavetoofferanotherperson?Whatareyourliabilitiesasapartner?Areyoucontrolledbycertainbeliefsorbehaviorthatmakeithardforyoutosettledown—orforsomeoneelsetosettledownwithyou?Inotherwords,somepeoplearesinglebecausetheymakemistakesinrunning23 theirlovelives:TheygiveintoambivalenceorlowertheirstandardsorstayinaBTNrelationshiptoolong.Butotherpeoplearealonebecausetheyaren’tverygoodlovepartners.Theymaybetooself-centeredortoodomineeringortoodepressive.Somepeoplearecoldandunlovingorverytiedtotheirparentsorreclusive.Manypeoplethesedaysarenarcissisticandcan’tenlargetheirworldenoughtoincludethewelfareofanotherhumanbeing.Thesepeoplemaythinktheyarewonderful,butfromthepointofviewofanotherperson,theyaren’t.Soinordertomakeyoursurveyofthereasonsyoumaystillbesinglereallycomplete,youhavetotakearealisticlookatyourself.Correctingmajorpersonalitydeficitsisbeyondthescopeofthisbook.Butmostofusordinary,wonderfulpeoplecanbenefitbylookingathowwemightmakeourselvesevenmoredesirable(orlessundesirable)aspartners.Whatareyourdybbuks?Putanotherway,howareyougettinginyourownwayofmakingloveworkforyou?Thatiswhatweshallexamineinthischapter.First,youstandinyourownwaywhenyoufightagainstyourself,ratherthanmovingwithyourself.Iliketousethemetaphorofwesternfist-fightingversusmartialarts.Inwesterns,whenGusaimedhisfistatJoe,Joeputhisownarmuptoblocktheblow.Theimpactonhisarmhurt.ThenJoewouldhitback.GuswouldblockJoe’sfist,andthefightwouldescalate.IfJoewereusingmartialsarts,however,Guswouldpunch,andJoe,ratherthanresistingtheattack,wouldgrabGus’sfistandjustkeeppullingitinthedirectionitwasmovinganyway.Hewouldpullthefist,pullGusoffbalance,andpossiblyevenfliphimoverontohisback.Therewouldbeaminimumofinjury,andthefightwouldbeover.Thesedays,ouradversariesaremostlyinternal.Supposeyourealizethateverytimeyougetintoarelationship,youbecomecriticalofyourpartner,andyoudecideyouwanttostopthispattern.Ifyoujustforceyourselftostop,youwillbelikethewesternfight.Thedybbukinsideyouthatneedstocriticizewillcomebackwithavengeance.Thenyou’lltryallthehardertostopit,andyourcriticizingwillescalate.Now,besidesbeingcritical,youwillfeelbadabout24 yourselffornotbeingabletostop,andyourself-esteemwillplummet.Whatyouresistpersists.Indeed,yourdybbukwillpersistwithaddedenergy,preciselybecauseyouaretryingtokillit.Thedybbuksinsideyoubelievetheyareservingyou.Theyareinterestedinsurvival—theirsandyours.Deepinyoursubconsciousmind,yourcriticizingdybbukbelievesthatifyousomehowkillitandstopcriticizing,youwilldie.Yourdybbukisprotectingyoufromsomeallegeddisaster.Thatiswhyitcriticizessoconvincingly.Butsupposeyouuseamartialartsapproach.Ratherthanresistingyourcriticalself,youmovewithit.Youwatchyourselfbeingcritical.Younoticehowyoufeelinsidewhenyouarecritical.Youstartthinkingaboutwhyyouaresocritical,whoelseinyourfamilyiscritical,whatmighthappenifyouweren’tcritical.Ratherthanhatingandresistingyourcriticaldybbuk,youacceptit.Youviewitasafriendwhohasbeenwithyouformanyyears,servingyou,protectingyou.Yourecognizeaspectsofyourcriticalselfthatyoulikeandvalue,aswellaspartsthatyouloatheandfeelyoucouldgiveupnow.Youmakefriendswiththisdybbuk,andyouandthefriendlylittlemonsteragreetoworktogethertowardabalancethatwillserveyoubetter.Thereisawordthatdescribesthismartial-artsapproachtoyourself.Itis“self-acceptance.”Fewpeopleareperfectlyself-accepting.Butifyouunderstandwhatself-acceptanceisandyouareonthepathtowardself-acceptance,yourchancesofsucceedingwiththeprogramoutlinedinthisbookwillbefargreater.Ifyouwanttochangeapersonalitytraitthatyoufeelmakesyoulessdesirableasapartner,youwillseeinthischapterthatchangeandself-acceptancearecloselyrelated.And,ifyouareself-accepting,whenyoudofindarelationship,itwillhaveafargreaterchanceofsuccess.Forallthesereasons,weshalldiscussself-acceptancehereatlength.Wecanbestunderstandself-acceptancebylookingfirstatfour“steps”alongthepathwaytoit.Thestepsarenotchronological,foreachisgoingonallthetime.Yetthereisasenseinwhichonestepmustprecedethenext.Thestepsareallverycloselyrelated;indeed,theyoverlapquiteabit.ButIhavedividedthemintoseparatesteps25 becauseIbelieveitwillbeeasiertodiscusscertainconceptsbydoingso.Letuslook,then,at1.Self-awareness2.Self-love3.Change4.Self-esteem5.Self-acceptanceStepOne:Self-AwarenessYoucan’tacceptyourwholeselfifyouaren’tawareofyourwholeself.Mostpeopleknowonlyabouthalfofwhotheyreallyare.Letmeillustratewithapersonalexample.WhenIfirstjoinedawomen’sgroup,aftersometrusthaddeveloped,awomanaskedmewhyIfeltIhadtosmileallthetime.Shesaiditmadeheruncomfortableandthatshefoundithardtotakemeseriously.Iaskedseveralotherpeopleiftheyhadnoticedthis,andtheyallquicklyagreed.Ihadbeenutterlyunawareofmyconstantsmile.ButthenIbeganpayingattentiontoit.Soonafterthat,Iwastellingmygroupaboutanincidentwithmyhusbandthathadhurtmeverymuch,andIsuddenlynoticedIwasgrinning.ThenInoticedthatIfeltnervous,embarrassed,andthatIwasn’tactuallytellingthewholestory.IrelaxedmyfaceandwassurprisedathowmuchcalmerIfeltandhowmucheasieritwastotellmystory.Thewomenreportedthattheycouldbelievememoreeasily.Thatlittlepieceofself-awarenesshelpedmetobecomemoregenuine,morehonest.Yetbeforetheincident,Ididn’trealizetherewasthis“something”thatIwasn’tawareof.Mywomen’sgroupcontinuedtoworkwithmeonmysmiliness.WhenIsmiledinappropriately,theywouldmentionit,notinacriticalway,butasasupportivereminder.Andwetalkedmoreaboutit.IdiscovereditwasamaskIworebecauseIwasterrifiedthatpeoplewouldnotlikemeunlessIwaswarmandsweetandbubbly.Howironic!TheverythingIwasdoingtomakepeoplelikemeactuallyputthemoff.Icouldhavegonethroughmywholelifesmilinginappropriately.Iwouldhave26 missedexperiencingthecalmnessoftalkingmoredirectlyandhonestlytopeople.Iwouldneverhaveunderstoodwhysomepeoplewereputoffbyme,andIprobablywouldhaveblamedthemandresentedthem.Worstofall,ImayneverhaverealizedthatIdon’thaveto“make”peoplelikeme.ImaginehowdeeplypleasurableandpeacefulafeelingIhadthefirsttimesIletgoofmysmileyroutine—andpeopleseemedtolikemejustfineanyway!AllthesethingsIwouldhavemissedifIhadneverbecomeacquaintedwithmysmiliness—butIwouldn’thaveknownthatIwasmissingsomething!IjustwouldhavegonethroughlifevaguelyconcernedthatIwasn’treallywelllikedandnotknowingwhy.AndIwouldn’thaveknownwhatwasstandinginmywayoffeelinggoodaboutmyself.Self-awarenessisoptional.Manypeoplegothroughlifewithalimitedamountofit.Butexpandedself-awarenessenricheslife!Ittookmealongtimetoletgoofmycompulsivesmiling.Givingitupwasadifficultstrugglebecauseitwasalifelonghabit,andbecauseIwassoafraidwhenIventuredoutwithoutit.ButIforcedmyselftoexperimentandfinallylearnedthatpeoplecouldgetclosertomeandlikedmebetterwhenIletgoofmybubblyact.Thealternativewasnot,asIhadimagined,thatIhadtogoaroundasamorosezombie.Ilearnedthattherealmeisveryenergeticandenthusiastic,andIdidn’thavetoletgoofthat.Asisoftenthecasewithdefenses,theycloselyresembletherealperson.Thedifferencemayseemsubtletoanoutsider,butitwasalife-changingdifferencetome.Anditcameaboutbecauseofanewpieceofself-awareness.Self-awarenessisthefirstcriticalsteponthewaytoself-acceptance.Youcan’tacceptyourwholeselfunlessyouknowyourwholeself.Sohowdoyougoaboutexpandingyourself-awareness?Itallboilsdowntotwothings:gettinginput,andpayingattention.GETTINGINPUTExcepttoalimitedextent,youcannotexpandyourself-awarenessjustbyanactofwill,becausebyyourself,youhavenowaytodiscoverwhatyouarenotawareof!27 Youneedsomeoneorsomethingtodirectyourattentiontowhatyouaremissing.Sourcesofinputarelimitless.Oneobviousresourceispeoplewhoknowyouwell.Otherpeoplecaneasilyseebehaviorthatissohabitualtoyouorsolong-deniedbyyouthatyouwillmissitevenwhentheypointitout.Whenmysmilingbehaviorwasfirstmentioned,Iwasstunnedtolearnthatallofthewomeninthegroupsawit.ThenIbegantoremembercommentsIhadheardinthepast:(Tomymother)“My,youcertainlyhaveabubblydaughter.”(Tomyhusband)“Idon’tthinkIcouldlivearoundsuchhighenergyallthetime,”or“Isshereallythathappyallthetime?Shedoesn’tseemreal.”(Howaccuratethatpersonwas!)ThesepeoplewereallseeingsomethinginmethatIdidn’tsee.Otherpeopledoseeyoumoreclearlythanyouseeyourself.Thinkaboutyourownfriends,co-workers,orrelatives.Doesonetalktoomuch?Doesoneinterruptalot?Doesoneputpeopledownallthetime?Doesonefailtolookyouintheeyesduringaconversation?Doesonelaughloudlywheneverhefeelsuncomfortable?Thesepeopledon’tseethesethingsaboutthemselves.Butyoucanseethemclearly.Nowdon’tyouwonderwhattheymayseeinyouthattheynevermention?Youcangetalotofinformationaboutyourselffromthepeoplearoundyou.Buthow?Inourday-to-daylives,thisisnotthesortofinformationwegenerallysharewitheachother.Onepossibilityistoaskforit.Whereelsecanyouturntogetmoreinformationaboutyourself?Movies,TV,dramas,novels,biographies,self-helpbooks.Wheneveryouhaveastrongreactiontosomethingyoureadorsee,askyourselfwhatitmighthavetouchedoffinyou.Whydosomepartsofabookmakeyouangryorsad,whileotherpartsdon’t?Howarethecharactersinamoviesimilartoyou?Thesamealsogoesforreal-lifedramastakingplaceallaroundyou.Whenyouhaveastrongreactiontoanything,don’tassumeithastodoonlywiththeotherpeopleinvolved.Askyourselfwhatyourreactiontellsyouaboutyourself.Oneofthebestwaystoexpandyourself-knowledgeistoaskyourselfquestions.Youmayhaveagreatdealmoreinformationwithinyouthanyouhaveeverstopped28 tolookat.Thefirstpartofexpandingyourself-awarenessisgettinginput,informationaboutyourself.Butwhateveryoursourcesofinformationaboutyourself,noneofthemwillworkunlessyoudothesecondpartofexpandingyourself-awareness.PAYINGATTENTIONNormally,aswegoaboutourlives,wepayattentiontoonlyasmallfractionofwhatisgoingonaroundusandwithinus.Wecan’tpayattentiontoeverythingallatonce,butwecanpayattentiontoagreatdealmorethanwedo.Iwassmilingallthetime,butIwasn’tpayingattentiontoit.OnceitwaspointedouttomeandIdidstarttonoticeit,alothappened.WhatalossformeifIhadneverpaidattentiontomysmile!Thesameworldweareusedtocanlookdramaticallydifferentwhenviewedthroughdifferent“spectacles,”thatis,withnewawareness.Forexample,supposeyoureadanarticlebyaresearcherwhohasdiscoveredthatmentendtointerruptmoreoftenthanwomen.Suddenly,youmaynoticeeverytimeamaninterrupts.Orsupposeafriendtellsyouthatshefeelsyougripealot.Suddenly,you,too,maybegintonoticehowoftenyoucomplainaboutthings.There’sastorytoldofamanwhosoldhisbrotheramulewiththepromisethatitwasasuperioranimal,nevergiventoboutsofstubbornness.Thebrotherwasdelighted,tooktheleadrope,andstartedofftowardhome.Themulewouldn’tbudge.Themantuggedandpulledandswattedthemule,butthemulewasoblivious.Finally,themanwentbacktohisbrotherwithangrycomplaints.“Ithoughtyousaidthiswasnotastubbornmule!”“Oh,it’snot,”saidthefirstbrother.Hegrabbedanenormoustwo-by-four,raisedithighandbroughtitdownfullforceonthemule’shead.Thenhepickeduptheleadropeandofftheywent.Hecalledbacktohisbewilderedbrother,“Youjusthavetogethisattentionfirst.”Mostofuscouldbenefitfromagoodswatwithatwo-by-four.Thereisagreatdealgoingonwithinus,andwegenerallypayattentiontojustafractionofit.Thereasonexpandedawarenessiscriticalisthatthemoreyouareawareof,the29 morechoicesyouhave.IfIhadneverbecomeawareofmyexcessivesmiling,Icouldneverhavechosentostopdoingit.Inmyearlychildhood,Iprobablygotpositivelyreinforcedforbeing“happy”and“enthusiastic,”sowaybackthenIprogrammedmyselftokeepthatactgoing.Itbecameunconscious.Iwasbehavingautomatically,asthoughIwereonautomaticpilot—withtheswitchrustedto“on.”Myfirsttaskwastogetoffofautomaticpilotandbacktomakingfullyconsciouschoices.Peoplewhoelecttoremain“unconscious,”whonevermakeanyefforttoexpandtheirawareness,arenotveryfree.Theyareenslavedtotheirownprogramming.Theyneveraskthemselveswhytheythinkorbelieveorbehaveastheydo.Theyneverconsideralternativesbecausetheyaren’tawareofalternatives.Theydon’tmakechoicesabouttheirlives;theyjustlivethem.Onceyouembarkuponapathofexpandedself-awareness,youwillprobablygetdrawnintowantingmore.Thepathofself-knowledgegoesdeeperanddeeperwithinyou.Youcanchoosetostopatanypoint,andyoumay,forIreiteratethatexpandedself-awarenesscanbepainful.Butifyouarewillingtoexperiencesomepain,staywithit,andgoalittledeeper,therewardscanbeverygreatindeed.Supposeyoubegintoexpandyourself-awarenessandyoudiscoverthatyouinterruptpeoplefarmorethanyourealized.Thenextthingyouwillwanttoaskyourselfiswhyyoudothis.Payattentiontohowyoufeelwhenyoucatchyourselfinterrupting.Youmayhavetoadmitthatyouaremoreinterestedingettingattentionthanyouareingivingittosomeoneelse.Why?Becausealthoughyouappeartobeconfidentwithallyourverbalabilities,infactyouareveryafraidofbeingleftout,andyouwantmorethananythingtobeapartofthings.Why?Becauseyouhadahardtimegettingattentionfromyourfamilyasyouweregrowingup.Thiswaspainfulforyouasasmallchildandasateenager,soyoubecamestronglymotivatedtoengageinbehaviorthatwouldforceotherstonoticeandrespondtoyou.Nowcomestheexcitingpart.Asyoubegintoexperimentwithinterruptingless,youdiscoverthatpeoplelikeyoubetterandyouaremoreapartofthings.Itturnsoutyoudon’thavetoworksohardtobeliked.Andyouwilldiscoverwhatapleasureitis30 tolistentoothers,togivethemattention.Youbegintoconnectwithpeoplemorequicklyandmoregenuinely.Gradually,youcanletgoofyourfearofbeingleftout.Iamdescribinginafewsentencesaprocessthathappensgraduallyoveraperiodofmonthsorevenyears.Awarenessandbehaviorchangeslowlybymeansofsmall,seeminglyinsignificantevents.Overandover,youmaynotice,afterthefact,thatyouhaveinterrupted.Thenyoumaystartcatchingyourselfasyouaredoingit—orevenbefore.Youmaystartnoticingwhenotherpeopleinterrupteachother.Buteventuallyyouwillreachapointwhereyoulookbackandsay,“Boy!Ireallyusedtobeobnoxious!”Youwillbeabletofeelaverybigdifferenceinyourself—theabsenceofyourfranticefforttogetyourshareoftheattention.Youwillhaveincreasedyourself-esteem,notonlybecauseyougaveupanannoyinghabit,butbecauseyoufoundoutthattherealyou,underneathalltheinterrupting,isverylikable.Onemorewordaboutself-awareness:Wehavetalkedmostlyaboutexpandingyourawarenessaboutyourownbehavior.Butthatisjustoneaspectofallthethingsyouareprobablyignoringnow.Ifyouchooseto,youcanbecomemoreawareofwhatyouarefeeling,whatemotionsyouareexperiencing.Youcanseemoreofwhatyoulookat,tastemoreofwhatyoueat,listentomoreofwhatyouhear,fullyexperiencemoreofwhatyoutouch.Youcanbecomeawareofhowyourthoughtprocessesworkandhowyourthoughtsassistorhinderyou.Youcanbecomeawareofyourvaluesandhowtheyaffectyourlife.Youcanbecomeawareofyourfearsandwhetherornotyouareincontrolofthem.Allthatisrequiredisthatyoukeepaskingforinput,gettinginformationaboutyourselffromwhateversources,andthenkeeppayingattention.InAldousHuxley’svisionofUtopia,describedinhisbookIsland,magpiesareconstantlyflyingabouttheislandcryingout,“Attention.Attention,”simplyremindingeveryonetowakeupandbefullyalive,andnottomissanything.Wewouldalldowelltohavelittlemagpiesflyingaroundinourbrainsremindingustopayattention.“Whatareyoufeeling?”theywouldsay.“Areyoudoingwhatyouwanttobedoing?Noticethis.Noticethat.Wakeup.Payattention.”31 Self-awarenessisaskillthatincreaseswithpracticeandbecomeseasierovertime.StepTwo:Self-LoveSowhatdoyoudowithyournewlyexpandedself-awareness?Whatdoyoudowiththenew“you”youhavediscovered?Asmuchasyoucan,youbecomelikeacompassionate,lovingparenttoyourselfandgiveyourselfunconditional,tenderlove.Asyoupaymoreattentiontoyourinterrupting,itmaybegintodriveyounuts.Buttryingnottointerruptwillbeevenworse.Youmaystarttohateyourself.You’llexperiencefearasyoutrytoventureforthwithoutahabitwhichhasservedyouformanyyears.Butthroughitall,keepsayingtoyourself,likethemostlovingmotherintheworld,“Iknowit’shard.Butyou’redoingjustgreat.Keepitup.Youarecourageous.Youarewisetoeventacklethisbigproblem.Itdoesn’tmatterifyoubackslide.Interruptingispartofwhoyouare!Nomatterwhatyoudo,Iloveyou.”Manypeoplehaveamistakennotionaboutself-love;theybelievethatpeoplewhoareself-lovinghavesimplygottenridofalltheirdybbuks,theirfears,theirfaults,theirinsecurities.Theylovethemselvesbecausetheyaresuchgoodpeople.Wrong.Peoplewhoareself-lovinghavesimplylearnedhowtotakethebadwiththegood.Self-loveisnotaboutlovingthepartsofyourselfthatareeasytolove.That’snochallenge.Self-loveisaboutlovingallofyourselfincludingthepartsyoudon’tlikeordon’twanttolookat.Self-lovingpeoplehavebecomewellacquaintedwiththeirweaknessesandfears;theyrealizethat’swhotheyare,andtheyhavelearnedtolovetheentirepackage.Thisdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tchangethingsyoudon’tlikeaboutyourself.Changeisthenextstepweshalldiscuss.Butevenifyouhopetochangesomething,youcanbelovingtowardyourselfinthemeantime.Self-loveisnoteasytocomeby.Formanypeople,itisalifelongstruggle.Butachievingitispossible,andstrivingforitistheonlysensiblechoice.32 Youarewhoyouare.Youhavedonewhatyouhavedone.Nothingcanchangethat,sowhyfightit?Generally,itmakesbettersensetoridethehorseinthedirectionitisgoing.Itookafriendofmineouttolunchforherfortiethbirthday.“Sohowdoesitfeeltoturnforty?”Iaskedher.“Ireallylikeit,”shetoldme.“IfinallyfeelthatI’lltakewhatI’vegotandbehappywithit.IfIhaven’taccomplishedallmyself-improvementgoalsbynow,IfigureIprobablyneverwill,andthat’sjustfine.I’mgoingtoquitpesteringmyselftogetbetterorganizedandwritemoreletters,andbakeforthekidsmore,andallthatstuff.I’mnotperfect.I’mnotevenwhereIthoughtI’dbeatforty.ButI’mverycontent.Somehowturningfortyseemstogivemepermissiontoletgoofthestrugglesandenjoymyself.”That’sself-love.Atoneofmyworkshops,Iinvitedparticipantstochooseanissueorproblemintheirlivesandspendafewminutesmeditatingonit.Onewomanaskedherself,“HowcanIstopbeingsohardonmyselfandfindingsomuchfaultwithmyself?”Shetoldusthatduringhermeditation,theimageofanornatelycarvedandbeautifullypaintedtotempoleemergedinhermind,andshehadnoideawhatitmeant.Tomeitwasaperfectanswertoherquestion,andItoldherwhatthesymbolmeanttome.“Thetotempoleisallthedifferentpartsofyou.Youhavemany‘faces.’Sometimesyouarekind,sometimesimpatient,sometimesenergetic,sometimeslazy,sometimesproudofyourself,sometimesashamed.Thetotempoleisremindingyouthatallofyouislovable,notjustthe‘good’faces,butallofthefaces.Theentiretotempoleisbeautiful—justasitis.Yoursubconsciousselfisjustpatientlywaitingforyoutorealizethis.”Genuineunequivocalself-loveisharderforsometoachievethanforothers,becausetheparentingwereceivedasyoungchildrenmakessuchamajor,lastingimpactonourpropensityforself-love.Childrenwhoareabusedorneglectedmaycarryabeliefintoadultlifethattheyare“bad,”unworthyoflove.Childrenwhowereaffirmedandlovedhaveaneasiertimeexperiencingthemselvesaslovable.33 Nevertheless,nomatterwhatyourbackgroundis,youcanexperienceself-love.Youcanbepatientwithyourselfasyoustruggletochangethingsyoudon’tlike.Tellyourselfthatyouaredoingthebestyoucan,andthatisallyoucanaskofyourself.Letmedescribethejourneytoself-loveusingthispictureasamapoftheself.1.Theouterlayerisyourpublicself,theselfyoupresenttotheworld.Forpeoplewhohavenevergoneonajourneyofinnerdiscovery,itistheonlyselftheyknow.Theoutercircleistheregular,everyday“you”includingallyour“defensive”or“mask”behaviorsthatwediscussedinthelastchapter.Itistheprofessional“you,”thecompetent“you,”theadult“you.”Whenyoubegintoexpandyourself-awareness,itistheoutercirclethatyoubecomemoreawareoffirst.Whatareyour“stories”aboutyourself,yourbeliefsaboutyourself?Youcanidentifyyourownoutercirclebywritingashortparagraphsayinghowyouwouldintroduceyourselfto,forexample,aprospectiveroommatewhomyouhadnotyetmet.Forexample,“I’mfivefootthree,attractivebutnotgorgeous.I’maprettyhappypersonmostofthetime.I’mveryenergetic.Iliketomakeotherslaugh.Ilovechildren.Ihatenumbersandanythingtodowithbusinessandfinance.Iloveone-to-oneconversationsandamagoodfriend—generous,attentive,thoughtful.ButIdislikecrowds;I’mlousyatsmalltalk,”andsoon.Whatisyourpersonality,whatareyourskills,likes,dislikes?Howdoyoubelieveothersviewyou?Howdoyouviewyourself?Sometimesyouroutercircleiscompletelytrue.Youreallyarehappy.Youreallyareagoodfriend.Mostoften,theoutercircleispartiallytrue.Thatwasthecasewithmyexcessivesmiling.Mydeeper,truernatureisenthusiasticandhappy.Butinmyfrenzytocoverupmyinsecurities,Ioverdidthe“nice”meandfeltIhadtodoitallthetime.Occasionally,theoutercirclehasverylittletruthinit.Thepersonwhoactslikethelifeofthepartyallthetimemayreallybeaterrifiedchildunderallthestudiedglitzandurgententertaining.Peoplewhohavealottocoverupoftenhaveakindof34 compellingqualitytotheirbehavior.Theyseemtooperateautomatically,unconsciousoftheirimpactonothers.2.Justundertheouter“layer”ofyouarethefearsandinsecuritiesthattheouterlayerisdesignedtohide.WhenIbecameawareofmyinappropriatesmiling,IhadtoaskmyselfwhyIdidthat.Ifoundoutbyexperimentingwithnotsmiling.WhenIdidn’tsmile,IdiscoveredIwasterrifiedthatpeoplewouldnotlikeme,wouldnotevennoticeme.IrealizedIwascompulsivelymanipulatingeveryoneImettopayattentiontome.SoIhadtoexperiencethatfearofbeingignored(Circle2).Itwasextremelyunpleasant.Andseeinghowobnoxiousmybehaviorhadbeenmademehatemyself(moreofCircle2).Allofthat“stuff”isinthesecondcircle.Itcanseemlikeabottomlesspitofself-hate.Itisallthefacesonthetotempole.It’sallyourregretsandunfilleddreamsandunachievedgoals.It’sthetruthaboutthepartsofyourpastyouhaveglossedoverbecausetheyweremiserable.Forsome,allthisrealityissopainful,thereisareasontheyneverchoosetolookatit.Butthesepeoplewillneverbeabletorelaxfully,fortheywillhavetobeconstantlyvigilanttokeepallthepaincoveredup.Theywon’teverbecomedeeplyandfullysatisfiedwithlife.Unfortunately,itisprobablytruethat,inordertobecomegenuinelyself-loving,youhavetogothroughsomepainfultimes.Nopain,nogain.Thereasonisthattheonlyroutetotheinnercircleofself-loveisthroughcirclenumber2.PsychologistCarlJungsaidthatneurosisisasubstituteforlegitimatesuffering.Inotherwords,theoutercircle—neuroticworkaholismorcriticalnessorguiltorgushinessorwhateveryourneurotictendenciesare—iswhatyouwouldratherexperiencethanthe“real”painthatliesunderneath.3.Theinnercircleonthemapisself-love.Self-lovehappenswhenyourealizethatallthoseawfulpartsofyourselfinthesecondcirclearepartofyou,andtheyareokay.Someofthemyoumaywanttochange;andthat’sgood.Butsomeofthemareunchangeable.Tocontinuetofight35 themandhatethemwillonlykeepyoumiserable.Youronlyrealchoiceistoacceptyourwhole,entireself,withallyourregretsandimperfections.Makepeacewithyourself.Letgoofthestruggle.Youarefine,justasyouare.You’lldo.Thetwooutercirclesarestillthere.Butnowyouarefamiliarwiththem.Youdon’thavetofearthemorhidefromthem—orhatethem.Forexample,Istillcatchmyselfsmilinginappropriately.ButnowwhenIdomyreactionisnot“Oh,rats!There’sthatuglypartofmeagain.Ihatemyself.I’llneverlearn.”Instead,myreactionis,“Oh!There’smyoldfriend,SmileyMe.Ibetterpayattention.WhatlittleuglythingamItryingtocoverupnow?Ahha!IseeIjusttoldalittlelietokeepthemfromseeinghowlazyIreallyam.ShallItellthem?”(NotethatIhaveachoice.Idon’thavetotell.)“ThistimeIwilltellthetruth.”(WhenIdo,Ifeelrewardedbecausetwoothersadmithowlazytheyfeelunderneath,too,andweallfeelbetter.)Thereasonthatself-loveprovidessuchserenityisthattherearenomoreunknownstofear.Youknowyourwholeselfandyouloveyourwholeself.It’ssimple.Thereisanironyaboutself-love.Youcan’twillittohappen.Youhavetoworkforit—orworkagainsttheobstaclestoit.Butintheend,itwilljustbethere.Youhavetobewillingtokeeppayingattention,tolookatunpleasantpartsofyourself,eventoexperiencesomepainfulfeelingsofself-hate.Butself-loveisnotsomethingyoucanearnlikepayattheendofajob.Youdon’tdeserveself-lovebecauseyouworkedforit.Youdeserveitbecauseyouarehuman.Everyhumandeservesit.Allreligionstellusthisinonewayoranother.Self-loveisagiftthatwillonedaybeyoursifyouareopentoreceivingit.Onceyouhaveexperiencedtotalself-love,evenifyouhavejustglimpsedit,yourlifewillneveragainbethesame.Forevenifyouaredepressed,oryou’vebeenrejected,oryou’vefailedandyoufeelawful,youwillknowwhatself-lovefeelslike,andthatknowledgewillgiveyourlifeadifferentcharacter.Youwillknowyoucanexperienceitagain.Atfirst,yourself-lovemaybefragile,likeatendergreenshootinearlyspring.36 Peopleandexperiencesinthecruelworldwillcomeclompingalongandcrushit.Buttheshootwillappearagainandintimewillgrowintoasturdyplantthatisimpervioustooutsideinfluencesofanykind.Gradually,youwillbecomesecureinyourself-love.StepThree:ChangeSupposeyoudecideyouwanttochangesomeofthethingsyoubecomeawareofasyoubeginpayingattentiontoyourself.Itiscriticaltounderstandhowchangeoccurs.WhenIfirstheardthatpeoplewereuncomfortablewithmysmiliness,myinitialreactionwastostopsmiling.Iwouldgointoameetingdeliberatelysomber-faced.Ifeltunnaturalandbegantoresentthepeoplewhodidn’tlikemysmile.Iwentbacktosmilinganddecidedtheywerewrong.Iwouldbemeandsmilingfeltbetter.Then,aGestalttherapistpointedoutthat,ratherthantrytochangemybehavior,Ishouldsimplystartpayingattentiontoit.AsIdidthatoveraperiodoftime,Irealizedthatsmilinginappropriatelyfeltuncomfortabletome.Thenthebehaviorchangedallbyitself.Whatwasmorecomfortableemerged,andthatturnedouttobenotsmilingsomuch.Behaviorchangesonlyasbeliefchanges.Rememberthemanwhosprinkledgolddustonhislawntokeepthetigersaway?Aslongashebelievesheisindangerunlessheperformshisdailyritual,he’llkeepdoingit.Heistrappedinhisownbeliefsystem,whichperpetuatesitselfbyitsowninternallogic.Onlywhenthismanisabletochangehisbeliefaboutthetigerswillhisbehaviorchange.Whateverbehavioryouwouldliketochangeistiedtosomeinternalbeliefsystem.Forexample,IbelievedthatpeoplewouldignoremeunlessIsmiledatthemallthetime.OnlyafterIlearnedfromexperiencethatIcouldsurvivewithoutperpetualforcedsmilingwasIabletogiveitup.SupposeyouareaworkaholicoraconversationhogorashypersonoraBTNjunkieoryouhaveidentifiedanyotherbehavioryouwouldliketochange.Thestepstochangingself-defeatinghabitsarethese:1.Withoutchangingyourbehavior,beginpayingcloseattentiontoit.Howdo37 youfeelwhenyoudoit?2.Experimentgentlywithalteringyourbehaviorandseehowthatfeelstoyou.Itwillprobablybeextremelyuncomfortable.Itmaymakeyoufeelinsecure,possiblyevenafraid.Payattentiontothosefeelings.Whatareyouafraidof?Trytofindoutwhatunderlyingfearcompelsyoutobehaveasyoudo.3.Bepatientwithyourself.Don’tforcechange.Rather,keeppayingattentiontohowyoufeelwhenyoudoanddonotengageinthebehavior.Gradually,asyouseetheassaultsthatyoufearareimaginedorexaggerated,andasyouexperienceyourselfsurvivingandevenfeelingmoresecureandmorealivewithoutyouroldhabits,yourbehaviorwillchangeallbyitself.Programmingyourself—ororderingyourself—tomakeachangeisalmostalwaysdoomedtofailure.Ifyouorderyourselftochange,youwillnotbeabletofindoutwhyyouwereusingtheself-defeatingbehaviorinthefirstplace.Whatisitthatyoufear?Thisiscriticalinformationforyou.Ifyousimplyorderyourselftochange,youwillbeworkingagainstyourselfratherthanwithyourself.YourSelfhasbeensurvivingagainstbigoddsformanyyears,andyouarenotlikelytodefeatitwithonesimpleNewYear’sresolution.Ifyoureallywanttochangesomethingaboutyourself,youwillalsoneedsupport.Thebestsupportisapartnerwhowantstomakethesamechangeyoudo.Butanyonewhounderstandswhatyouaretryingtodoandiswillingtoofferyounon-judgmentalsupportwillbeanenormoushelptoyou.Expectbacksliding.Whenyouarechangingalifelonghabit,itwon’thappenovernight.Youwilltaketwostepsforwardandoneback,overandover.Itispainfultodiscoverthatyouareregressingafteryoufeelyouhavemadegoodprogress.Butitisinevitable.Don’tbehardonyourself.Therearemanythingsaboutyourselfthatyouwon’tbeabletochangecompletely,fortheyareanintegralpartofyourmakeup.Butawarenessaboutanissueinyourlifecantransformit.Ihaveacounselingclient,Amanda,whoselifeseemstoberunbyguilt.Ifshedoesn’thavesomethingtofeelguiltyabout,shefindssomething.Shehasbeenpaying38 attentiontoherguiltforsometimenow,andshehasitinperspective.Shetoldme,“Ihaven’tcompletelyeliminatedtheseguiltmessagesthatrunthroughmybrainallthetime.ButI’vesucceededinturningthevolumewaydown.Idon’tgetsocaughtupintheguiltanymore.Idon’tchoosetofocusonit.ButIthinkitwillalwaysbethere.Iacceptitnow.Ijustdon’tletitruleme.”Amandahatesherongoing,ever-presentguilt.Butshehaslearnedtoloveherself.Shehaschangedherguiltmessagesasmuchasshecan,givenwhosheis.Sometimesherguiltisstillpainfultoher,butjustasoftennowshecanmakejokesaboutit.Shehasacceptedherguilt,andbyacceptingit,hasbeenabletoreduceitsimpactonherlife.StepFour:Self-EsteemSelf-esteemfluctuates.Somedaysit’sup,somedays,down.Self-love,onceyouhaveachievedit,remainsconstant.Youmaybehavingaweekinwhichyourself-esteemislow,butyourunderlyingself-loveenablesyoutocopewiththelowself-esteem.Youcanknowthatyouareagood,lovablepersoninspiteofitall.Youcanholdontoavisionofwhatself-lovefeelslikeandknowthatyoucanandwillreturntothatplace.Self-loveisthebedrock,thefoundation.Lowself-esteemisnotnearlysopainfulordifficultifasolidbaseofself-loveistheretostartwith.Yousimplyacceptthatyouarehavingaperiodoflowself-esteem.It’snotpleasant,butit’snotadisaster.Periodsoflowself-esteemarepartofthewhole,lovable,acceptablepackageofyou.Self-esteemishowyoufeelaboutyourself.Generallyspeaking,whenyourlifeisgoingwell,youfeelgood.Whenthingsaretough,youfeelbad.Self-esteemisaffectedbylifeevents,byhowthingsaregoingwithyourjob,yourlovelife,yourfriends,bymistakesyou’vemadeandsuccessesyou’vehad.IthasnothingtodowithI.Q.,achievements,status,orfame.Manyfamous,accomplishedpeoplefeelterribleaboutthemselves;manyordinaryfolksfeeljustgreataboutthemselves.Self-esteemisnotaboutwhoyouareorwhatyouhave;it’sabouthowyoufeelaboutwhoyouareandwhatyouhave.Iwanttomakeseveralpointsaboutself-esteem:39 Somethingsthataffecthowyoufeelaboutyourself,youcan’thelp.Forexample,ifyourloverbreaksupwithyou,ifyoufailtogetapromotionyouwanted,ifyouloseacompetition,ifyouinadvertentlyhurtsomeoneormakeamistakeyouregret,youmayfeelbadforawhile.Youjusthavetogetthroughitbylovingyourselfandlettingtimepass.However,manythingsthataffectyourself-esteem,youdohavecontrolover.Forexample,ifyouspendmuchofyourtimeinajobthatgivesyoulittleornosatisfaction,oracareerthatdoesnotletyouuseyourbestskills,youmayhavedifficultysustainingfeelingsofhighself-esteem.Feelinglowisanormal,healthyresponsetoanycircumstancethatsteadilybelittlesyou.ManyBTNrelationships,inwhichoneorbothpartnersfeeltheyarenotgettingalltheywantoralltheydeserve,contributetofeelingsoflowself-esteem.Youmaynotrealizehowmuchimpactyourday-to-dayexperiencesarehavingonyourself-esteem.Youmaythink,“Workisreallygivingmeproblems.Ican’tstandmyboss.AndIfeelawfulaboutmyself.IfIcouldjustfeelbetteraboutmyself,Icouldhandleworkbetter.”Butifyouaregettingputdownatworkandyougetlittleornocreditforthegoodyoudothere,orifyoufeelyouaren’tabletouseyourbestskills,orifyoucan’tgetalongwiththepeoplethere,thatwillmakeamajorimpactonyourself-esteem—littlebylittle,daybyday.Ifyourownself-esteemisbeingerodedbysomethingyoucouldchange,itisalmostcertainlyworthanydifficultyyouhavetoenduretomakethechange.Everyoneneedscontinuingsourcesofaffirmation.Themostcommonsourcesarefriends,lovers,clients/students/customers,bosses,employees/supervisors,relatives,andoneself.Mostpeoplecannotrelyonallthesesources,butyouhaveabetterchanceoffeelinggoodaboutyourselfifyouhearfrequentlyfrommorethanonesourcethatyoudidwell,thatyourthoughtfulnessisappreciated,thatyouareattractive,thatyouareagreatcookoraspecialfriend.Youneedsomepositiveinteractionswiththepeopleandactivitiesinyourdailylife.Eventhoughyourself-esteemisaffectedbyexternalcircumstancesand40 affirmations(orlackthereof),theultimatesourceofself-esteemisfromwithin.Ifyourbedrockofself-loveisfirmenough,ifyoubelieveinyourself,thenyoucanwithstandcriticism,failure,andperiodswhenyoursourcesofaffirmationhaveallbutdriedup.Amistakemanypeoplemakeistorelyexclusivelyonexternalsourcestomakethemfeelgoodaboutthemselves.Theyare“outer-directed.”Theircoreofself-loveisweak,andtheycan’trelyonit.Sotheylooktoothersforapproval.Theysometimesworkveryhardtomanipulatetheirenvironmentsothatitpropsthemup.Some“outer-directed”peopleareostentatiousconsumers;theysurroundthemselveswithmaterialevidenceoftheirsuccess,sometimesinthehopethatotherswillenvythem.Thefeelingofbeingenviedisthebestfeelingtheycancomeupwith.Ortheymaybepeoplewho“fishforcompliments,”usuallyindirectly.“Oh,Ididn’tdoaverygoodjob.”(Expectedreply:“Ohbutyoudid!It’smarvelous!”)Whenanouter-directedpersongetsintoanintimatepartnership,problemscanresult.Iinterviewedaverytroubledman,anattorney,agetwenty-seven,whohadjustbrokenupwithawomanwhosoundedtometobequiteouter-directed.“Shewasconstantlyaskingme,‘HowdoIlook?Howdidyoulikethevegetables?Howdidyoulikethemeat?Doyoustillloveme?Doyoulikemyhair?DoyouthinkItalkedtoomuchatdinner?Wasn’tmycommentfunny?’Itwassad.Ididn’tseethissideofheratfirst.Butitgottobetoomuchforme.Itoldher,‘Ican’tmakeyoufeelgoodaboutyourself.’”Comparisonisthebasisofallmisery.Youcanmakeyourselffeelbadifyoudwellonpeopleyouseeasmoresuccessful,moreaccomplished,morebeautifulthanyou—orjustpeoplewhoseemtohaveanicerlife.Comparison,orplaying“one-up/one-down,”istoxicwhetheryoujudgeyourselftocomeoutontoporbottom!Ifyouhavetoputsomeoneelsedowninordertofeelgoodaboutyourself,itissimplyasignthatyouarefeelinginsecure.Andofcourseifyoufeelyourselftobeworseoffthansomeoneelse,youcanreallyfeelmiserable.Self-esteemisasimportanttolifeasfood,water,andoxygen.Withoutit,youmayexist,butyoucan’tbefullyalive.Yetmanypeoplegoonforyears,knowing41 theirself-esteemislowanddoingnothingtoraiseit.Lowself-esteemmakesfindingaloverelationshipdifficult,too.Soifoneofthe“dybbuks”youcarryaroundislowself-esteem,letmeencourageyoutotakesomestepstochangethis.Lowself-esteemisoneoftheproblemsthatrespondswelltotherapy,soyoumightwanttoconsidersomekindofcounseling.Orstartwiththesuggestionsinthischapter.Don’twait.Lifeisgoingonrightnow!Wehavelookedattheimportanceofexpandingourself-awareness,ofcultivatingafoundationofself-compassionandself-love,andofworkingwithourselvestomakechangeswewanttomake.Wehaveseenthatthenatureofself-esteemisthatitfluctuates,andthattherearethingswecandotostrengthenit.Butbeyondallthisliesyetanotherlevel,thatofself-acceptance.StepFive:Self-AcceptanceImaginethateachofushastwoselves,theactiveselfandtheobservingself.Theactiveselfistheonethateatsbreakfast,takesthekidstoschool,goestowork,makesdecisions,hasdinnerwithafriend,callsMom,runsoutofmoney,losesweight,gainsitback,caresaboutpolitics,getsanxious,argues,makeslove,hashealthproblems,reactstothings.Whiletheactiveselfisbusydoingallthesethings,theobservingselfisstandingsomedistanceawaywatching,muchasanaudiencewatchesaplay.Theactiveselfisquiteinvolvedwithwhateverisoccurringatthemoment.Theobservingselfseesthepresentactivityasonesceneinamuchlargerdrama.Forexample,takeJane.Let’ssupposeshe’shadacoupleofdateswithamanshelikesverymuch.She’sexpectingtohearfromhimthisevening.Whenhecalls,hetellsherthathefeelshemustcomecleanwithher;heisinarelationshipwithanotherwoman.HelikesJaneagreatdeal,buthedoesn’twanttoseetwopeopleatonce,andheisalreadyinvolved.Janeiscrushed.Whenshehangsup,shecriesforawhile.Thenshecallsherbestfriendbutgetstheansweringmachine.Shetriestoconvinceherselfthathe’snottheonlymanleft,thatshe’llgetoverit.Shestartstellingherselfthatshehasterribleluck.Shefeelssounluckythatshecan’tbelieveit.Sheordersherselftodosomething,to42 turnontheTVorstartanovel,orcallsomeoneelse,orgooutforawalk.Butshecan’tmakeherselfdoanyofthesethings.Shejustplainfeelsmiserable.Herself-esteemislow.Shedoesn’treallyfeelthatthisepisodeisherfault,orthatheditchedherbecausehedidn’tlikeher.Butshefeelsvictimized,cheated.Shefeelsshehastherottenestluckofanyoneonearth,andthat,tryasshemay,shecan’tmakeherluckchange.Shefeelsdoomed;sheisindespair.It’sworsetoknowthatsheisagoodpersonwithalottoofferaman,butthatwhosheisdoesn’tseemtomakeanydifference!Whileallthisisgoingon,Janeisalsojudgingherself.She’sthinking,“It’sgoodthatI’msobbinglikethis.I’msureit’sgoodformetoletoutfeelings.IttookcouragetocallmyfriendwhenI’mfeelingsolow.That’sgoodthatIdidthat.Hmm.Iseemtobetakingitamazinglywellthatshewasn’thome.Good.Anotherpatontheback.Butgetoffthisnow.Gooutanddosomething.You’restupidtojustsithereandfeelrotten.You’reimmaturetoletthisgettoyou.You’reslippingintoapoolofdespair.Stopyourself,dummy.”(NowJanefeelsdespairandshefeelsstupidforfeelingdespair—twoseparatebadfeelings.)AllofthisisJane’sactiveself.Sheisveryinvolvedwithherself,veryintense.Sheiscompletelyattachedtoallherthoughtsandfeelings.Asfarassheknows,sheisherthoughtsandfeelings.Sheisallcaughtupinherlittledrama;itmightbecalled“JaneandHerPain.”Janehasnoawarenessofherobservingselfatthistime.Butherobservingselfisthere,standingperhapstwentyfeetoutsideherapartment,observingthesceneasifshewereaneutraloutsider,notatallattachedtoJane’sfeelingsorthoughts,butsimplyawareofthem.Theobservingselfmightbesaying,“Janejustgotanawfulblow.She’sfeelingterriblepain.Nowshe’ssobbing,reallylettingherselfgetintoit.Onapainscaleof1to10,thisfeelstoherlikea10.It’sverypainful.Nowshe’stellingherselfshe’sagoodgirlforcryingsothoroughly.Nowshe’sfeelingdreadfulandtellingherselfshe’sbadforfeelingdespairing.”TheobservingselfisnotjustmorethoughtsgoingoninJane’sheadbuta43 different“system”altogether.AllJane’sthoughtsandfeelingsarepartofheractiveself.Herself-esteem,herabilitytolikeherself,tohavegoodjudgmentsaboutherself—indeed,toloveherself—areallpartofheractiveself.Jane’sobservingselfdoesn’tjudge.Itnoticesherself-judgmentsandherlevelofself-esteem.ItnoticeshowintenselyinvolvedJaneiswithherself.Theobservingselfmightsay,“Janeisveryinvolvedwithherselfrightnow.RightnowJanebelievesthatshehasalwaysbeenunluckyandshewillalwaysbeunlucky.Thatisthenatureofthefeelingssheiscaughtupwithrightnow.Andthat’sfine.That’swhatis.OfcourseIknowthisisnotthecase.BecauseIstandbackatadistance,Iamawareofmorethanjustthisintensedramagoingonrightnow.IknowtherearetimeswhenJanehasfeltverylucky,andIknowshe’llfeelluckyagain.Iknowthatoneofherbestassets—whichshehastotallyforgottenaboutrightnow—isperseverance.IknowJanewon’tgiveup.”Theobservingselfisaseparatesystemfromtheactiveself,aseparatelevelofawareness.Awarenessoftheobservingselfisactuallyanextensionofthe“self-awareness”wespokeaboutinStepOne.Themoreyoupayattentiontoyourself,themoreyouwillgraduallybecomeawareofyourobservingself.Yourobservingselfissimplyapartofyouthatyoumayormaynotpayattentionto,asyouchoose.Whyisawarenessoftheobservingselfbeneficial?Becausetheobservingselfiscompletelyself-accepting.Everythingtheobservingselfseesjustis.It’snotgoodorbad,itjustis.Sothemoreyoucanidentifywithyourobservingself,themoreself-acceptingyoucanbe.Jane’sactiveselfwasbusyjudgingherself.“It’sgoodthatI’mcrying.It’sbadthatIfeelsuchdespair.”Butherobservingselfsimplyobserved.“Janecries.Janeberatesherself.Janehasapieceofbadluck.”Theeventexists.Thefactthatitisbadorgooddoesnotexist.Thejudgment“good”or“bad”issomethingJaneaddstotheevent.Itishowsheexperiencesit.Sincetheobservingselfisalwaysawareofabiggercontext,itknowsthatinafewmonths,whenJanefallsinlovewithsomeoneelseforexample,Janemayviewher“tragic”phonecallas“good.”44 Jane’sobservingselfacceptsallofJane.Itacceptsherjudgments,herself-love,herself-hate,hertriumphs,hermistakes—theentiretythatisJane.Awarenessoftheobservingselfisbeneficialforanotherreason:expandedself-awarenessisanintegralpartofmaturity.Childrenarecompletelyself-absorbed.Teenagersoftenexhibitlittleabilitytoseebeyondthemselves;they“knowitall.”Theyaresocaughtupintheirownearthshakingdramasthattheycan’tevenbroadentheirperspectiveenoughtoseetheneedsofmembersoftheirownfamilies.Somepeoplenevermatureverymuch.Infact,plainoldimmaturityisthebasisofmanyofthemaritalandrelationshipconflictsIsee.Peoplejustdon’thaveaverybroadperspectiveofthings.Theycan’tdevelopenoughofanobservingselftobecomeawareoftheirownself-defeatingprocesses.Forexample,Johnoftenbelittleshiswife.Itispointedouttohimoverandover.Buthecandevelopnoawarenessthathedoesthis.Hefeelsheissimplycommentingonsituationsthatneedtobecommentedon.Hedefendshisbehavior.Hecan’tstandbackfromhimselfenoughtoseehowhis“comments”affecthiswife.Hisworldisonlyasbigasheis,andheiscompletelyabsorbedinit.Iftherewereahugepinkelephantstandinginthecorneroftheroom,Johnwouldnotbeabletoseeit.Hewouldjustgoondefendinghisbehavior.Howdoesonegoaboutdevelopinganawarenessofone’sobservingself?Itallboilsdowntopayingattention,andthemoreyoudoit,themorenaturalandeasyitbecomes.Indeed,alltheexperimentsinthisbookhavebeendesignedtoexpandself-awareness.Otherwaystopracticepayingmoreattentiontotheobservingselfincludeinteractionswithotherpeople(especiallyconversationsaboutawareness),personaljournalordiarywriting,readingorhearinglecturesaboutawareness,somekindsofpsychologicalwork,variouskindsofsupportortherapyorconsciousness-raisinggroups,andsomespiritualdisciplines.Regularmeditationisoneofthemostdirectroutestoawarenessoftheobservingself.Itisimportanttorealizethatboththeactiveselfandtheobservingselfare45 functioningcontinuously.Theactiveselfdoesnotstopwhenittunesintotheobservingself.Theactiveselfisalwaysdoingorthinkingorfeelingsomethingfortheobservingselftoobserveandtoplaceinawidercontext.Gettingintouchwithyourobservingself,experiencingyourselfastotallyacceptablejustasyouare,isactuallyaspiritualdisciplineinthesensethatitinvolvesmorethanmindandbody.Itgoesbeyondrational,cognitive,andevenemotionalexperiences.Manypeopleneverhaveanyknowledgewhatsoeveroftheirobservingselves.Theyarecompletelyattachedtotheimportanceofwhatisgoingonintheirownlives—theyare“self-centered.”Whenthesepeoplegetintoarguments,theybecomeconsumedwiththeirpointofview.Theyhavenoabilitytostandbackandsmileatthemselvesandsay,“My,yousurelyarecaughtupinthisthing.Itcertainlydoesmattertoyou!”Otherpeoplearevaguelyawareofanobservingself—becausetheyoccasionallyexperienceit.Forexample,supposeyouseeyourselfgettingreallymadatyourlover.Suddenly,yourealizeyouareabouttohavethesamefightyou’vehadfiftytimesbefore,andyoumakeajokeaboutit.Youlabelthedisagreementandchoosenottotrotitoutatthistime:“Let’snothaveourmoneyargumentnow,okay?”Yourobservingselfhas“caughtyou.”Acertainpatternhasbecomesofamiliarthatyouhavebecomeawareofthehabitualnatureofit.Stillotherpeople,asmallgroup,becomeextremelyfamiliarandfriendlywiththeirobservingselves.Theyhavemadeanactivedecisiontodoso,andtheydevotetimeandenergytoit.Someofthesepeoplebecomespiritualteachers;theyaresimplyfartheralongthepathofawarenessthantherestofus.Nowletuslookmorecloselyathowallthisrelatestorelationships.Aswesaidatthebeginningofthechapter,inassessingwhyyouarestillsingle,youhavetolooknotonlyatthestrategiesyouuse—orfailtouse—inrunningyourlovelife,youhavetolookatyourself.Whatdoyouhavetoofferanotherpersoninanintimaterelationship?Whatqualitiesinyoumightapotentialpartnerfindundesirable?Whatbelieforbehaviorofyourskeepsdefeatingyouinyourquestforlove?46 Ifthereasonyouaresinglehastodonotwithyourstrategiesbutwithyourself,theninordertofindlove,youmustmakesomechangesinyourself.Ifyouareapersonwholikesyourself,youwillbemoreappealingtoapartner.Thisisnottosayyoucan’tworkonyourself-esteemwhileyouareinarelationship.Butmypointhereisthatifyouarestillsinglebecauseofalackofself-awarenessandself-acceptance,thenallthestrategiesandtechniquesintheworldwon’tbeveryusefultoyou.Agoodrelationshipwithyourselfisaprerequisiteforasuccessfulrelationshipwiththepersonyoulove.Ifyoudon’tloveyourself,youwillplaceanunfairandimpossibleburdenonyourpartner:youwilltrytogethimorhertomakeyoufeelgoodaboutyourself.Nooneelsecandothisforyou.Goodself-esteemisthefoundationofallthestrategieswehavediscussedinprecedingchapters.Forexample,itisdifficulttolookforhighstandardsinothersifyoudon’tmaintainhighstandardsinyourself.Yourambivalencemaybebasedonafearthatyouaren’tgoodenoughtogetwhatyouwant.OryoumaybehangingaroundinaBTNrelationshipbecauseyoubelievethat’sallyoudeserve.Ifyouareindifferenttoyourself,oryoudon’tknoworlikeyourself,howcanyouexpectsomeoneelsetogettoknowandlikeyou?Greatrelationships—withoneselfandwithothers—beginwithself-awareness,whichitselfisanongoing,everexpandingprocess.Sofigureoutwhatyourdybbuksare,andmakepeacewiththem.Youhavenothingtolosebutyourownnaiveté.Andwhatyouhavetogainislove.47 AppendixII中文译文策略十：增强自我意识和自尊截至目前，我们讨论的一大问题仍悬而未决：为何不一开始就采用这些策略呢？相应的问题还有：为何要降低真正的标准，退而求其次？为何又觉得交往路径难觅？干嘛要纠结于“好高骛远”而月复一月的耽误下去？为何不学会自我否定而自视清高？为何对这类敏感话题有恃无恐，以至于不敢放下包袱，广泛结交呢？犹太人有个民间传说，即：我们大多数人都受未知的恶灵驱使。恶灵是指逝者的灵魂，附到生者体内并控制其行动。这是一种比喻，喻指让我们产生自我挫败的原因。我们是有着复杂心理活动的生物。我们都有“灵魂”—至少有行为和信念——无论是我们父母或祖父祖母，或其他对我们孩提时产生重大影响的人。责怪孩子时，耳边总回响起妈妈的声音。当与爱人争吵时，仿佛是爸爸在责怪妈妈。恶灵——他人的行为举止和信念已根植于内心，犹如恶魔制约着我们。换句话说，它们已使原本简单明了的错误变得异常复杂。你是怎样的人——想与人建立某种关系吗？你愿为其付出什么？身为伴侣，你的责任何在？是不是有某种信念或行为使你内心难以平静——让你难以相处？换句话说，不幸单身，其缘由是在维系爱情关系时总是犯错：他们要么屈从于矛盾心理，要么低眼看人或纠结于“好高骛远”这样的错误理念。然而，某些人单身，其原因是自身原本条件欠佳，却自以为是，性格倔强，情绪压抑。这种人冷酷无情，缺乏爱心，不孝父母，性格孤僻。然而这些人却至今自我感觉良好，内心空虚，却容不下别人。他们自以为是，却反被嗤之以鼻。所以，若要彻底找出单身的缘由，需要脚踏实地，自我反思。当然，改善人性的弱点并非本书要旨。人们大多平淡无奇，但优秀者却对自身能否受欢迎心如明镜并从中获益。那么，你心中的恶灵又是什么呢？换句话说，你该如何按自己48 的方式找到心怡呢？这是本章要谈及的内容。首先，你要立场坚定，战胜自我，而非随意。就拿西方拳击与武术来做比较吧。在西方，古斯挥舞着拳头冲向乔，乔抬起胳膊抵挡。胳膊受到重创。然后乔予以回击。古斯同样抬起手臂阻挡，冲突随之升级。然而，若乔运用武术策略，古斯击向他时，乔非但不阻挡，反而抓住其拳头并顺势向拳击方向一拉。古斯就失去了平衡，很可能还翻倒在地。给自己造成了最小伤害的同时，冲突也得以制止。如今，我们的对手大都源于自己的内心。假定你能意识到自己每次与人交往时，都要求对方无可挑剔，进而你想改变这种模式。仅强迫自己停止这种行为，那就类似于西方人的那种交恶。此时，你体内的恶灵就会出来与你挑剔。内心矛盾也会随之升级，你极力要阻止它，可内心的挑剔恶灵却挥之不去。此时，除了挑剔，你还会因没能有所作为而感觉很糟，自尊严重受挫。你所抗拒的恶灵不仅仍旧存在，而这正是因为你想要去掉它，它才变本加厉，让你内心感觉很糟。无论是它们还是你们——它们只对生存感兴趣。潜意识里，挑剔的恶灵认为，不管何种原因，要想消灭它或停止评判他人，你都会无所适从。它们是在保护你免于所谓的灾难。这就是为何恶灵评判如此令人信服。但你若采用另一种类似于武术的策略，则另当别论。与其忍耐，还不如顺其自然。你会注意到在挑剔别人时的内心感受。你开始思考为何要过分挑剔，家中其他人也这样吗，你若不这样又会有什么结果呢。与其厌恶或忍耐挑剔的恶灵，还不如接受它。把它当作伴随自己多年不断服侍自己，保护自己的朋友。你会发现挑剔本身具有一些你喜欢和看重的方面，还有可放弃的厌恶和糟糕的感觉。与内心的恶灵交朋友，与这个友好的小恶魔达成一致，协同努力做到平衡，以便它能更好的服务于你。用一个词描述这种策略，那就是“自我接纳”。几乎没人能完全做到“自我接纳”。但当你真正理解自我接纳的含义时，你就已走在了自我接纳的路上，这样阅读，完成本书概述的成功概率也会大大提高。你若觉得自己的个性特点不足以成为别人理想的搭档，而想做出改变，你会在本49 章发现改变和自我接纳之间的紧密联系。此外，自我接纳会大幅提高你寻求一段感情的成功几率。综上所述，我们需要充分的讨论自我接纳等问题。首先，关注自我接纳道路上的四个“步骤”可帮助我们更好的理解其概念。这些步骤并不是按时间先后顺序排列的，每一项都贯穿始终。然而，在某种情况下其中一项要先于下一项。各个步骤之间联系紧密，甚至在很多方面相同。之所以把它们单独罗列出来，是因为我认为这样做更便于论述某些观点。请看以下步骤，1.自我意识；2.自爱；3.改变；4.自尊；5.自我接纳。步骤一：自我意识自我接纳前要先对自己有全面的了解。然而，大多数人只了解某些方面。就我而言，第一次加入妇女组织，相互熟悉后，一女人问我为何总笑。这让她感觉很别扭，觉得我不严肃。我问其他人是否注意到这点，她们纷纷认同。我之前从没发现自己一直在笑，之后的我开始重视起来。有一次，在说起丈夫给我带来的巨大伤害时，我突然发现自己笑嘻嘻的，当时既紧张又尴尬。因为故事还没讲完。于是我放松了脸部肌肉，收起僵硬的笑容，惊讶地发现讲起来反倒轻松很多。她们看起来也更愿意相信我。这一点自我意识让我变得更加真诚和坦率。但在此之前，我却并不知道自己忽视了“某些事”。组里的成员不断帮助我。每当我发出不合时宜的笑声时，她们总会善意的提醒我。我们经常说起此事。后来发现我如同戴了一张面具，为了不惹人厌而强颜欢笑。真讽刺啊！为了讨人喜欢而刻意做的事反而更招人厌。我本可能一辈子带着笑面具，不能真诚地与人交流，为何他们总是讨厌我，甚至会为此责怪和痛恨他们。更糟的是，我可能永远不会明白，不必去“讨好”别人来取悦自己。当我第一次放下笑容包袱时，内心无比的愉悦和平静——不管50 怎样，大家似乎更喜欢我正常一点。如果之前我不了解自己的笑，就会失去这一切——而自己又全然不知！一辈子搞不懂为何不招人喜欢，却找不出根源，让我困惑不已。自我意识是可选择的。虽然许多人一生只需要有限的自我意识。但是增强自我意识可以使生活丰富多彩。改掉不自然的笑不仅花去我很多时间，而且极具挑战，因为它已伴我多年；此外，而没有这，我与人交流会产生恐惧。我迫使自己做出改变，之后，我猛然发现他们更理解和喜欢我了。若不改变，我与人相处就如同一具阴郁的僵尸。可真实的我完全可以充满活力，我不能失去这些。习惯与别人相处一样，也会偶然无所适从。这在外人眼中微不足道，却能改变我一生，而这些改变源于自我意识。自我意识是通往自我接纳的关键步骤。在全面了解自己之前，是无法完全接纳自己的。那么，如何增强自我意识呢？可归结为以下两点：信息摄取关注自我信息摄取除特殊情况，仅通过意志是无法增强自我意识的。原因是靠自身难以发觉未知的东西。因此要找回被忽视的信息，就需要某人或某事的提示。可摄取的资源是无限的。最明显的就是那些了解你的人。他们可轻易发现你的习惯或长期拒绝别人的行为，但即便他们指出，也会轻易忽视。别人第一次说起我的笑时，得知已众所周知，我很吃惊。之后想起听到的一些话：（对我妈妈说）“天啊，你的女儿真活泼。”（对我丈夫）“总是这么充满激情我可做不到，”“她一直都那么开心吗？看起来不像真的。”（他说得真对啊！）这些人都注意到我没意识到的事。当局者迷，旁观者清。想想你的朋友、同事或亲戚。他们是否很啰嗦？喜欢打断别人谈话？背后说人坏话？有没有在聊天时眼神飘忽不定？有没有在不自在时就放声大笑？他们自己一无所知，但你却一目了然。现在难道你不想知道他们眼中的你是怎样的吗？身边朋友可为你提供很多信息。但该怎么做呢？我们平时不会与人谈此，而最简单的方法就是直截了当的询问。除此之外，还有哪些途径呢？电影、电视、戏剧、小说、传记或自主图书。51 当对看到的任何事物有强烈的感触时，扪心自问是什么打动了你。为什么书中的内容让你感到愤怒和伤心，其他人却不为所动？电影中的角色与你有哪些相似之处？生活也一样，不管你对什么事深有感触，别以为这些只会发生在别人身上。想想自身的反应告诉你了什么。提高自知之明最好的方法是扪心自问。你看到的那些问题也只是冰山一角。增强自我意识的第一步是摄取与自己有关的信息。但是，第二步开始前，你得到的任何信息都毫无用处。专注我们一般只会关注周边生活的小事。不可能一次性了解所有的东西，但我们可以尽可能多的给予关注。我之前从不知道自己会一直笑。别人指出后我才注意到。改变由此产生。要是我没有注意到自己的笑，该多遗憾啊！俗话说的好：“横看成岭侧成峰”。随着新的自我意识的产生，总会有新的发现。比如：你读到一篇文章，研究者发现，男人比女人更喜欢打断别人。然后你的脑海中就会闪现出一次次男人打断别人的场景。再比如，你朋友说你爱抱怨，然后你可能会注意到自己总是在抱怨。有这样一个故事，一个人卖给弟弟一头骡子，并告诉他骡子的品种很好，非常听话。弟弟很开心，牵起骡子就往家赶。骡子却并不挪步。弟弟一边猛扯一边拍打着，但骡子始终不为所动。无奈，弟弟骂骂咧咧的去找哥哥，“你不是说骡子很听话吗！”哥哥说道：“对啊，它是很听话”，说着拿起一根宽四寸厚二尺的木板，高高举起，一下拍到骡子头上。骡子顺从地走了。哥哥转过头对目瞪口呆的弟弟说：“首先，你要吸引它的注意力。”大多数人都需要别人用四寸二尺的木板来善意地点醒。我们心中有太多的东西，可我们却只注意到一部分。之所以要增强自我意识，是因为我们了解的越多，选择也就越多。我若没意识到自己过多的笑，就不会有所收敛。小时候我可能更想表现出自己“开心”和“热心”的一面，之后就顺势而为。这些都毫无意识。我的行为变52 得顺理成章，如同自动驾驶——开关停在“打开”键。我的首要任务是解除自动驾驶，改为人工操控。那些选择保持“无意识”状态，从不努力增强自我意识的人，是没有自由的。他们受限于自己的既定轨迹。从不询问自己为何会如此思考和行动。他们从未考虑过其他方式，因为并没意识到还有其他选择。他们不为自己的生活做选择，而是浑浑噩噩的度过一生。一旦走上增强自我意识的道路，你可能会想了解更多。你会在自知的道路上越走越远。你只要愿意，可以选择任何时候停下来。我再次重申，增强自我意识的过程无比痛苦。但若你愿经历一些痛苦并坚持下去，回报将是丰厚的。增强自我意识后，你发现自己总是打断别人的谈话。接下来，思考这样做的原因。重视自己的内心感受。不得不说，你更关注的不是别人，而是是否被人关注。为什么？因为尽管你说的话显得很自信，实际上你害怕自己被忽视，特别想成为他们中重要的一员。为什么？因为在成长过程中，家人并没有给你过多的关注。孩童和少年时期的痛苦促使你做出一些行动，来博得他人的关注和回应。接下来的部分很关键。你很少再打断别人，他们也就更喜欢你了，而且越来越把你当回事。看起来让别人喜欢自己并不很难。此外，你会发现，倾听和关注他人是多么的快乐。你开始更真诚地与人交流。慢慢地，你也就不必害怕被人忽视了。说来简单，但要做到这些却要耗费数月甚至数年。那些看似微不足道的事会逐渐改变你的意识和行为。之后，你会发现自己喜欢打断别人，可能还会注意到自己打断别人的过程——甚至打断别人之前你就会有所察觉。周围的人这样做时你也会注意到。总有一天，回顾之前，你会感慨：“唉，我之前真的很令人生厌啊！”你会察觉到自身的巨大变化——不再疯狂地去博取关注。你的自尊也会得到极大提升，不仅是因为你改变了惹人厌的习惯，还因为你发现别人更喜欢真实的你。关于自我意识还要再提一句：我们讨论的是你忽视的行为，但那只是一小部分。如果你选择改变，就可以更充分地体会到自己的情感变化。观察得更细致，品尝更丰富，聆听更清晰，体验更深刻。你会认识到思维的利弊，了解到价值观对生活的影响，意识到内心的恐惧以及是否尽在掌握。53 你要做的就是从身边的资源中筛选出关于自己的信息，然后予以重视。阿道司·赫胥黎的小说《岛》中描绘了美好的乌托邦愿景，喜鹊不断地飞过小岛，大叫着：“注意了，注意了”就是为了告诫人们保持清醒和激情，不要忽视身边巨细。脑海中若也有喜鹊盘旋并不断提醒我们，那我们同样也会变得优秀。它们叫道：“你有什么想法？真要这样做吗？小心这个、注意那个、保持清醒、小心。”自我意识是一项技能。随着时间的推移和不断的训练，很容易得到增强。步骤二：自爱那么，该如何接受新的自我意识？如何接纳“崭新”的自我呢？多数情况下，你如同慈爱的父母，无条件溺爱自己。当你更多地注意到自己喜欢打断别人，可能会抓狂。但试图控制自己不去打断别人，事情会变得更糟。你可能讨厌自己。多年的习惯突然消失了会让你恐惧万分。你要放松心态，像世上最慈爱的妈妈那样不断鼓励自己：“我知道很艰难，但你做得很好。坚持下去，你又勇敢又聪明，一定能解决这个问题。不要害怕失败。打断别人只是你的一方面！不管你做什么，我都爱你。”许多人对自爱有着错误的观念；他们觉得自爱的人内心没有恶灵、恐惧，错误和不安。他们优秀，所以才爱自己。大错特错。自爱者仅仅是明白该如何看待人生的酸甜苦辣。自爱不仅是爱自身，这很容易，不具有挑战意义。自爱指的是喜欢与自己有关的一切，包括你不喜欢和不愿看到的方面。自爱的人很清楚自己的弱点和恐惧；他们不仅了解真实的自己，而且努力去爱上自己。并不是说你不能改变自己讨厌的方面。改变的事之后再说。即便希望做出改变，你也同样可以喜欢自己。自爱并不容易，许多人为其奋斗终生，但还是有可能做到的。唯一明智的选择是努力争取。你是什么样就怎么做。该做什么就做什么。既然什么都改变不了，那为何要与其作对呢?一般而言，顺其自然，更有意义。54 朋友过四十岁生日，吃午饭时我问她道：“四十岁了有什么感想？”。她说：“我很享受这个过程，最终我还是如愿以偿，只是到现在还没有完成自我改善的目标，以后估计也无法完成了，不过没关系。我不会再逼自己有条理地做事，不会再写那么多信，不会更多地为孩子做烘焙，凡此种种。我并不完美，甚至与我想象中四十岁的样子都有很大差别，但我很知足。不管怎样，四十岁似乎给我打开了一扇门，让我放下拼搏，享受生活。”这就是自爱。在一研究小组中，我邀请参与者找出自己生活中所遇到的问题，并花几分钟时间冥想。一位女士问：“我竟然发现自己有如此多的错误，怎样才能不这么苛刻？”她谈到了冥想的过程，脑海中浮现出一根雕刻精美、漆绘精致的图腾柱。她不明白其中的含义。我正好可以回答她。于是便告诉她图腾对我的意义。“图腾柱代表着你的方方面面。你的特征有许多方‘面’。时而善良，时而急躁，时而精力充沛，时而懒散，时而自傲，时而自卑。图腾柱寓示着，这一切都很讨人喜欢，不仅是“好”的方面，而是所有的方面。整根柱子很华丽——与此同理。你的潜意识在等着你自己去发掘。”要真正做到自爱，这对有的人来说异常困难，因为我们孩童时期接受的教养长久以来深深地影响到我们的自爱倾向。被虐待和不被重视的孩子在成年后可觉得自己“糟透了”，不值得被爱。被认同和宠爱的孩子更容易产生惹人爱的感觉。尽管如此，无论何种家庭背景，你都可以体会到自爱。要保持足够的耐心，告诉自己正尽全力改变，这是你所能做的一切。这张地图用来描述达到自爱的过程。外层是你在公众里的自我，是展现给世界的一面。对从未探索过自己内心的人来说，他们了解的只有这些。外环指的是生活中的“你”，内在包括上一章中谈到的“自我防卫”或“面具型”的行为。这是职业的“你，”称职的“你，”成熟的“你”。增强自我意识后，你会先了解到外环中的你。关于你的“故事”和信仰？你可以在外环中用一段话来描述自己，如，你的潜在室友。“我五尺三寸，迷人但不惊艳。大多数时间是个快乐之人，总是活力四射，喜欢逗人开心。爱孩子。讨厌数字以及与商业和金融有关的一切。喜欢一对一交流，是好朋友最佳人55 选——慷慨大方，细心周到，体贴入微。但我不喜欢人多之处；讨厌聊天”等等。你是什么性格，有什么特长，喜好，厌恶什么？关于别人对你的看法，你怎么看？你觉得自己怎样？有时，你外环的描述与你很相吻合。你过得很开心且是很好的朋友。但更多时候，外环中只有一部分准确。就像我那过多的笑。而真实的我却带有几分狂热与欢乐；但当我疯狂掩饰不安时，却过度地展示了“快乐”的我，以至于自认为应当时刻如此。有时，外环中的描述一点都不符合。那些追求浮华娱乐的派对狂人很可能是个受惊的孩子。那些掩饰很多的人有着明显的强迫症行为。他们只顾行动，忽视对他人的影响。外层掩饰下的你充满了恐惧和不安。每次发现自己不合时宜的笑时，我都探寻原因。通过尝试不笑，我找到了答案。我不笑时，很担心别人不喜欢我，甚至是注意不到我。我只是刻意地去引起大家的关注而已。因此，我不得不体验被人忽视的恐惧（环2）。那种感觉糟透了。讨厌的习惯让我更讨厌自己。（环2中更多部分）。所有的“感觉”都在圆环2中。它如同一个自怨自艾的无底洞，代表图腾柱的所有面；包括你所有的遗憾，未实现的梦想和未尽的目标。因为太过痛苦，你掩饰了过去这段真实的经历。对有些人来说，真相是痛苦的，这也是他们刻意回避的原因。但却不能有丝毫松懈，因为他们需要时刻警醒自己去掩盖痛苦。他们对自己的生活永远也不会满意。不幸的是，要想达到真正的自爱，你不得不经历这些痛苦。俗话说：“不劳无获”。通往内圆中自爱的唯一途径就是圆环2。（环和圆最好统一）心理学家卡尔·荣格称神经衰弱症是痛苦的替代品。换句话说，与隐藏在外环下“真正的”痛苦相比，外环中的痛苦——神经质工作狂、挑剔、内疚、感性或是任何神经质倾向——都是你更愿意接受的。图片中内圆是自爱。当你意识到环2中糟糕的部分只是自身的一方面，并没太大影响，你就会更56 加自爱。想要改变固然很好，但有些是无法改变的。怨恨或与其作对只会让你更痛苦。唯一的选择就是接受这一切，包括遗憾和瑕疵。放弃武力，和平相处。你看起来一切都好，一定可以做到。两个外环仍旧存在。熟悉之后，你不必畏惧或躲避——甚至怨声载道。举例来说，我现在仍会发现自己不合时宜的笑。但我的反应不再是“天哪，又是这样，我恨我自己。我总是意识不到。”相反，我的反应是：“噢！是我的老朋友，微笑的我。我最好注意了。我要掩饰的这件事简直微不足道？啊哈！我只是说了个谎，让他们不会发现我到底有多懒。这也要告诉他们吗？”（注意，这里我有一个选择。我不必告诉他们。）“这次我会讲真话。”（当我这样做时，我得到了回馈，因为有两个人也承认自己很懒，之后，我们都感觉好多了。）自爱使人平静的原因是不再有未知的恐惧了。你了解和喜爱自己的一切。就这么简单。关于自爱有一个讽刺。你不能期待它从天而降，需要努力争取——哪怕历尽艰难险阻。最终，它会出现在你面前。你要打起精神，洞悉自己令人讨厌的一面，甚至经历使你自怨自艾的痛苦。然而，自爱并不像工作，付出不一定有回报。你没有得到，因为你一心只为它。你应该得到，因为每个普通人都理应拥有自爱。所有的宗教都用这样或那样的方式向我们阐述这个道理。自爱像是礼物，只要你敞开怀抱，总有一天会是你的。一旦你体会到自爱，哪怕只是一眼瞥之，你的人生都会大有不同。当你感到沮丧，被人拒绝，无比痛苦，你就会体验到自爱的感觉。而且，这种经历能让人生呈现出不同的特点。你知道自己还能再次体验到。最初，你的自爱可能很脆弱，就像早春绿油油的嫩芽。世上残酷的人和惨痛的经历会不断的碾压它。但之后嫩芽会再次长出，然后茁壮成长，无视任何挫折。渐渐地，你可以从自爱中获得安全感。步骤三：改变假定你开始关注自己，并决定做出改变。关键是要了解如何才能有所改变。第一次听别人谈到对我的笑感到不自在时，我的第一反应是停下来不笑。我会沉着脸地去开会。这使我感到很难受，进而怨恨那些不喜欢我笑的人。之后，57 我认定他们是错的，又恢复原样，做回自己，自我感觉笑了会更好。之后，一名完型治疗专家指出，与其尝试去改变行为，不如开始关注它。关注一段时间后，我发现不合时宜的笑使我浑身不自在。于是，我的行为随之改变。现在的我觉得更舒服的方式是不要过多的笑。行为随信念而变。还记得那个把金沙撒到草坪上吓退老虎的人吗？他觉得如果不这样做就会有危险，所以他会一直坚持下去。他受困于自己的信念，由自己的内在逻辑不断的提供支撑。除非他改变了有关老虎的信念，否则他的行为不会有所改变。你想改变的任何行为都与内在信念有关。举例来说，我总以为如果不笑的话就会被人忽视。直到我发现不用刻意微笑也可生存之后，我才改变。试想，你若是工作狂、话匣子、害羞的人，抱着“好人难觅，有比无好”的想法，或有其他想要改变的行为。以下步骤有利于你改变自我挫败的习惯：1.先不改变，而是开始关注它。看看有何感受？2.小心尝试做出改变，看看自己的感觉。有没有不适，不安，甚至恐惧。重视这些感受。你在害怕什么？试着找出恐惧背后迫使这样做的因素。3.保持耐心。不要胁迫自我。相反，更多地体会做出和停止这种行为时的感觉。慢慢地，你会发现畏惧的只是你臆想的或被夸大了，改变旧习惯之后，自己不仅活着，而且活得更好更安心，你的行为自然而然就改变了。驱使自己——命令自己——去做出改变注定是失败的。如果你做了改变，就无法找到当初自我挫败的原因，不了解自己畏惧什么？而这些信息都至关重要。若迫使改变，你就站到了自己的对立面，而不是协同作战。你的自我已在困境中生存多年，不可能仅凭一个任务清单就击败它。自我改变需要支持。最好的支持者是与你有同样想法的搭档。理解你的人可给出客观的评判，这对你帮助很大。做好倒退的心理准备。俗话说：“罗马不是一天建成的”。你可能会“进两步退一步”，如此反复。当你以为取得很大进展时发现自己倒退是痛苦的。但这些都不可避免。不要对自己太苛刻。许多东西无法彻底改变，因为它们是你的一部分。但意识到问题可以使其有所改观。阿曼达是前来咨询的客户，她一直很内疚。即便没有使她内疚的事，她也会58 找出一些。如今，她已经注意到自己的问题，而且可以正确的看待它了。她告诉我：“我始终无法消除心灵中的内疚感。我只是减少了它的影响，不再过多地陷入内疚。我选择忽视它。但我明白它一直存在，我接受这个现实。只是不再受其控制。”阿曼达一直很讨厌那如影随形的内疚。但她懂得自爱，并努力避开那些内疚因素，做回真正的自我。有时，内疚仍会令其痛苦，但她却经常一笑了之。接纳的自我越多，内疚带来的影响也就越小。步骤四：自尊自尊会不断波动。时而上升，时而下降。但自爱却可以保持不变。你可能会在某一周自尊很低，但内在的自爱会帮你处理这种状况。不管自尊有多低，你都要明白，自己既优秀又惹人爱。保持这种感觉，告诉自己可以成功。自爱是基本原则和根基。有了它，低自尊并不是那么痛苦和困难。认清一个事实，低自尊只是一段时间。虽让人很失落，但并不是一场灾难。低自尊时期也是你完整外在的一部分。自尊是一种感觉，一般来说，生活很好时，你会感觉不错。生活艰难时，你会感觉很糟。自尊受生活琐事影响，与工作情况、感情生活、朋友关系、获得的成功和犯下的错误有关。与智商、成就、地位和声望无关。许多名人和成功人士都有过糟糕的感觉，而许多普通人却对自己非常满意。自尊与你是谁和拥有什么无关，它与你认为自己是谁和拥有什么有关。关于自尊还有几点：面对影响自我评价的一些因素，你无能为力。比如，伴侣与你分手，晋升失败，竞赛失利，无意中伤他人或犯下过错，你可能会难过很久。但你若懂得自爱，随着时间流逝，这些都会过去。然而，部分影响自尊的因素，你却能控制。如，你耗费很长时间做一份工作却获得极少的回报，或是你无法发挥特长的职业，都很难让你产生高自尊感。面对贬低和轻视，郁闷很正常。许多勉强凑合的关系经常会产生低自尊感，因为一方或双方对自己想要及应得的东西没有得到满足。你可能没意识到日常生活对自尊的影响。可能会想：“工作太麻烦。我受不了老板那套。感觉太糟了。如果能感觉很好的话，我就能更好的工作。”59 你努力工作却得不到任何信任和回报，无法发挥特长或无法与同事相处，这些都会影响你自尊——一点点，一天天。通过改变可提升自尊，这样，经历任何艰难困苦都是值得的。每个人都渴望得到别人的认同。这些认同源自朋友、情侣、客户/学生/顾客、上司、雇员/主管、亲人和自我。大多数人不可能得到所有人的认同，但经常得到他人认同会让人感觉良好。如：你工作认真，做事深谋远虑，魅力四射，你是一个伟大的厨师和绝佳的朋友。你需要在生活中经常与其他人进行积极的互动。尽管自尊受外在环境和他人认同（信仰缺失）的影响，最终还是源自内心。只要你珍爱自己，相信自己，就能承受批评和失败，度过无人认同的时期。许多人常犯的错误就是只依赖那些感觉良好的外在原因。他们是“外趋型。”他们自爱的根基不牢固，无法依赖，因此就寻求别人认同。为了自我鼓励，他们有时会非常努力的工作来改变周围环境。一些“外趋型”的人是阔绰的消费者。他们穿金戴银，展现自己成功的一面。希望引起他人嫉妒。被人嫉妒是他们期望的最好感受。还有些人“故作谦虚”，这种人说话不直截了当。“唉，我做得并不好”（期待的回应：“哇，但你做到了，简直太棒了！”）当外向型的人步入感情生活时，问题就来了。我曾经采访过一位陷入困境的律师，他27岁，刚离婚。在我看来，她的妻子就是外向型性格。“她总是问我，‘我看起来怎样？你喜欢吃蔬菜吗？肉呢？喜欢我的头发吗？你觉得我吃饭时话多吗？我说话不搞笑吗？’真是可悲。我之前没发现她这样。这些我都无法接受。我告诉她：“我无法让你感觉更好。”攀比是一切痛苦的根源。看到身边的人更成功，更有成就，更漂亮——也许只是看起来很美好，你都会感觉很糟。比较，或者玩“比上不足/比下有余”的游戏，无论你是出人头地还是相形见绌，都如同一剂毒药！通过把某人比下去来体现自我优越，说明你缺乏安全感。当然，你若觉得自己比他人更糟，那你真会过得痛苦不堪。自尊对生命来说犹如食物、水和氧气一样重要。失去它，你能够生存，但却无法充满激情。然而，随着时间流逝，许多人明知自己的自尊心不强，却不能有所作为。低自尊甚至会影响寻找伴侣。因此，你若内心的“恶灵”是低自尊，跟60 着我一步步改变。采取心理治疗，效果会立竿见影。你可能想听取一些建议。就从本章开始。抓紧时间，开始崭新的生活！我们已了解到增强自我意识，树立自我同情和自爱根基以及向着目标努力改变的重要性。此外，我们还发现自尊不断起伏的特点和可提升的方法。除此之外，还有另一层面，即自我接纳。步骤五：自我接纳每个人都有两个自我，即主动自我和观察自我。主动自我负责吃早餐、送孩子上学、去上班、做决定、与朋友吃饭、给妈妈打电话、花钱、减肥、体重反弹、关心政治、变得焦虑、与人争执、做爱、提出健康问题和作出回应。当主动自我忙着做这些事时，观察自我远远观察着，如同观众观看比赛。主动自我与正在发生的任何事都有关联。观察自我则将进行的活动视作一场戏剧。就拿简一例来说，她与爱慕的男士有过几次约会。晚上一直期待着他的消息。对方打来电话向她坦白；说自己正与其它女人交往，虽然很喜欢简，但不能同时与两人约会，他已爱上另一人。简顿时五雷轰顶。放下电话痛哭流涕。她给好友打电话，却没接通。她试图说服自己，好男人多的是，她一定能度过难关。她觉得自己运气糟透了，不敢相信命运会如此不公。她迫使自己做事情。看电视，写小说，给其他人打电话，或是出去散步。但却一件都做不到，因为她已陷入痛苦深渊，自尊心渐行渐远，她丝毫没意识到这件事其实是自己的错，别人之所以抛弃她是因为不爱她。她觉得自己受到伤害，又被人骗，一定是世界上最倒霉的人。尽管她努力尝试，却还是无法改变命运，一切仿佛是命中注定，她不禁陷入绝望。更糟的是，她是一个好女孩，可给予男人的很多，但她的改变却没能如期而至！日子一天天过去，简也一次次地反省。她想：“哭未必不好，宣泄情感。情绪低落时给朋友打电话需要勇气。这件事做得也没错。嗯。知道她不在家我也处理得很好。不错，值得表扬。现在该放下了。出去做事。整天待在家里抱怨简直太愚蠢了。为小事烦恼是不成熟的。你正陷入绝望，就此打住，傻瓜。”（现在的简不仅感到绝望，更因为感到绝望而觉得自己愚蠢透顶——两种糟糕的感觉。）这些是简的主动自我。她沉溺在自己的想法和情绪中，既纠结又紧张。只在乎个人想法和感觉，以至于完全迷失在自己的小剧本中。戏剧名叫“简与其痛苦。”61 此时的简还没意识到观察自我。但主动自我可能就在屋外二十英尺，以局外人身份观察着。对简的感受和想法无动于衷，只是远远看着。主动自我可能会说：“简遭受了可怕的打击。她感到非常痛苦。哭得无法自拔。如果从1到10划等级，她的应该是10级——极度痛苦。她边哭边暗示要做个好女孩。此外，她感觉很糟，并不断暗示自己绝望了，就是坏女孩。”主动自我不仅指简脑海中的思绪，更是完全不同的“系统”。简的所有想法和感受都是主动自我的一部分。她的自尊，自爱包括好的自我评判——其实就是爱自己——都是她的主动自我。简的观察自我不作评判，只会关注自我评判的好坏和自尊心的强弱。它关注简与自我之间的密切关系。观察自我可能会说：“现在的简和自我的关系密切。她如果运气不好，那就不会有好运。就像她现在的真实感觉。不过没关系，这才是真正的她。然而，问题不在这儿，因为我是旁观者，所以能看到这场紧张的戏剧外更多的东西。简有时觉得自己很幸运，幸运会再次降临的。她最大的优点——现在的她已经全忘了——就是毅力。简是不会放弃的。”观察自我是不同于主动自我的独立意识层面。观察自我的意识实际上是“自我意识”的扩展。你越关注自己，发掘出的观察自我就越多。观察自我只是你选择忽视的一方面。为什么要了解观察自我？因为观察自我就是完全的自我接纳。观察自我都是客观地看待问题，无所谓好坏。因此，你对观察自我的认可度越高，自我接纳的程度就越高。简的主动自我在不断地评判：“哭是对的，感到绝望是不对的。”但她的观察自我看到的却是：“简在哭。简在责怪自己。简运气有点差。”其实并无对错之分。“对”和“错”只是她自己的感受。观察自我总是从更深层次来看问题，如：简与某人恋爱的几个月中，会经常把“不幸的”来电称作是“美好的”。简的观察自我接纳了她的所有。包括她的自我评判、自爱、自怨自艾、成功、错误——那是简的一切。之所以要发掘观察自我，是因为增强自我意识是迈向成熟的重要一步。孩子们都是只顾自己的。青少年大多能力不足，目光短浅;他们“自以为是”。62 整天沉溺在自己惊天动地的剧本中，不能拓宽视野顾及到家人的需求。有的人很不成熟。实际上，这也是许多夫妻冲突的根源。人们总是不能深层次地看问题。他们缺乏足够的观察自我，无法意识到自我挫败的过程。举例来说，约翰总是辱骂妻子。对于旁人的提醒，他置若罔闻。此外，他还不断辩解，坚称只是就事论事。他无法置身事外，也就注意不到“言语”对妻子的伤害。他眼中只有自己。就算屋子角落有只粉色大象，约翰也视而不见，他还会不停地辩解。如何发掘观察自我呢？归根到底是要保持专注，重视越多，就越会水到渠成。实际上，本书的实验旨在增强自我意识。发掘观察自我的方法包括：与人互动（特别是关于意识的谈话），写私人日志或记日记，阅读意识方面的书籍或参加意识方面的讲座，进行各种心理工作，接受多方支持和治疗，参加自我意识提高组及其精神训练。其实，定期冥想是最直接的途径之一。主动自我与观察自我一直在不停运转，认识到这点至关重要。当把主动自我转换到观察自我时，主动自我依然存在。它会不断地行动，思考和感受，而观察自我观察后会从更深层次分析。与观察自我沟通，体验自我接纳的感觉，实际上就是精神训练。某种意义上说，它涉及到身心以外的东西。它超越理性、认知甚至情感体验。许多人对观察自我一无所知。只关心自己的生活——他们是以“自我为中心”的。争吵时只在乎自己的想法，不能置身事外给自己善意的提醒：“天啊，它对你来说确实很重要，但你陷得太深了！”有的人对观察自我有所了解——因为他们曾体验过。比如，你发现自己在对爱人发脾气，很可能会像之前那样付诸武力；于是你决定不再追究，而是一笑了之：“关于钱，我们不要争论太多了，好吗？”你的观察自我已经“注意到你”。你对观察自我的这种模式已经非常熟悉了。然而，仍有部分人对观察自我深有所悟，且处理得很好。他们耗费大量时间和精力去研究。这些人中有的成了精神导师；在意识的道路上，他们走得更远。接下来，我们分析一下这些与感情的关系。正如本章开头所讲，探究单身的缘由，不仅要看你追爱时采取的策略——哪63 怕是失败的策略——你还要认识自己。你能为另一半付出什么？你哪些缺点他/她不喜欢？哪些信念和行为使你在追爱的道路上步履维艰？如果你单身的缘由与策略无关，而与自身有关的话；那么，为了爱情，你必须做出改变。只有喜欢自己，你的搭档才会更喜欢你。并不是说在恋爱过程中不能保持自尊。我认为，你若单身是由于缺乏自我意识和自我接纳，那么任何策略都没用。维持美满恋情的前提是爱自己。如果连自己都不爱，你会给恋人留下难以承受的负担：你只能迫使他/她来让你感觉良好。其实，在这件事上，没人可以帮你。良好的自尊是对策的基础。如果你不能高标准地要求自己，就很难以高标准来要求他人。你的矛盾源于恐惧。害怕自己不够优秀，不能得到想要的一切。亦或者你总抱着“好人难觅，有比无好”的想法生活，因为你觉得那是你受之应得的。你若对自己漠不关心，不了解甚至不喜欢自己。别人又怎么会了解和喜欢你呢？美满的恋情——与自己/他人——始于自我意识。自我意识是不断发展和增强的过程。因此，与内心的恶灵和平相处。褪去了不成熟，终能收获爱情。64'